How to Think Outside of the Box

Let me share with you one of the coaching sessions I have with clients.  This works for anyone!  The goal of this session is to learn about who you are and who you want to become.

First –watch this video (don’t worry it is under 18 minutes)

Michael Bahr, Education Director for the Utah Shakespeare Festival

 Direct Link for: Thinking outside of a box requires a box

*if there is not a video in the space above please click here to access the link

Second - Now let’s review a few things:

In order to be “outside of a box” you need to know the box.  You are a box – your disability is a box– your life is a box.  For each box you need to comply with the following rules.

Rules:

1.   Know your box
2.   Embrace your box
3.   Push outside of the box
4.   Build your own box - & live by the rules of the box
5.   REPEAT

Third – Start with one aspect of your life - here we will focus on your disability. 

1 – Know yourself:  Learn about your likes and dislikes.  Define your values.  Discover your passions and interests.    

2 – Embrace the yourself:  Appreciate everything about you. Know you are not perfect so embrace your imperfections! Accept this is your life, interests, talents...

3 – Push outside of yourself:  Don’t get comfortable inside this box of YOU - now you must challenge yourself to be outside of the box.  Go beyond what you think you can do and expand who you are.   

4 – Now build this new box:  Define what this new life looks like and live this life.  

5 - REPEAT:  You must keep doing this or you will get stuck in a box again.  Don’t ever stay in a box & never let anyone keep you in a box.  (“Nobody puts Baby in a corner!”  Quote from Dirty Dancing.  *Sorry, my movie quote obsession oozing out of me).

Finally, you can do this with all aspects of your life so go out there and get “outside the box!”  

How my disabilities are also my superpowers... Sharing my story!

It is Dyslexia Awareness month and I want to share my story...

My story:  Jill Marie-Grandstaff Lam (because I am dyslexic and ADD I don't eye-read fast so I added a lot of short video clips to help tell my story).

Dyslexia, dysgraphia, and ADD (plus anxiety and depression) are genetic and strong in my family tree.  Like many others, I didn't know what was wrong with me or the names dyslexia and dysgraphia.  I also didn't know that I had Attention Deficit Disorder, I just thought everyone lived in the thoughts in their head.  Here's an example of me in school and even now - 

I could always relate to these Ralph Phillips cartoons!  My mind wanders because it thinks in creative ways.  I tend to get lost in the stories in my own brain.  Someday, I'd love to take time to write these stories down but due to my dyslexia and dysgraphia, that process isn't easy.

I still don't know my math facts (times tables) and it wasn't because I was daydreaming during the lessons it was due to being dyslexic.  My rote memory just isn't there.  School was also challenging because I struggled with reading.  I have NEVER been able to sound out an unknown word.  I was taught Whole Language (insert eye-roll here and if you are educated about dyslexia I bet you did the eye-roll all on your own) and therefore was not taught phonics.  I didn't even learn how to say some of the letter sounds correct until my own children were going through their private Orton-Gillingham tutoring.  I will probably never be able to write a haiku poem because I have no idea how to separate words into syllables.  People who can break words into syllables always try to teach me to do this after they learn that I can't but what they don't understand is I really CAN'T.  When people do this I wonder if they would try to make a person who can't use their legs walk just because they themselves can walk. The same thing happens with learning a foreign language.  I struggle with pronouncing English words so foreign words are even worse, yet people who speak another language make an assumption that I'm just not trying hard enough.  I am trying as hard as I can! Finally, my reading fluency sucks.  I can't even get half-way through the subtitles of a movie before the screen changes. I had to see each of the Star Wars movies 12 times before I completely read the opening words- (okay, those of you who know me well know I was thrilled to see each one a dozen times).  

Yes, I struggled immensely in school from kindergarten to my Ph.D. program. Oh heck, I struggle every day with my disabilities!  I could share some stories of heartache and pain, stories about how I never fit in and worked hard to hide my disabilities; but I will not share these stories today.  I want to share with you 3 SUPERPOWERS I have BECAUSE of my disabilities. 

1:  The Superpower of Empathy

My brain is not able to process language like a non-dyslexic brain but I have more mirror neurons than my peers which means I experience deeper levels of empathy.  I knew from very early on that I felt the feelings of others.  I used to take these feelings on as my own because I didn't know the difference between the other person's feelings and my own feelings. Here's a video of mirror neurons and empathy to help you understand!   

So how do I know I have more mirror neurons and excess empathy?  I wish I could explain it or even prove it scientifically but I can't right now (working on that).  I just know.  Over the years I have developed this sixth sense so well that I am able to read even subtle body language and facial expressions of others.  When I meet people I can tell exactly what they are feeling and experiencing.  I can sense those around me that have this similar Superpower and it is often very strong in people with dyslexia.  Let me point out that not everyone has this as a Superpower or even a strength.  They may think they do because they have some mirror neurons and can show empathy but it is very different than what I am talking about; what I mean is an exceptional level of being able to feel exactly what another person is experiencing.  For those of you who have it to this degree - you know exactly what I mean. 



2:  The Superpower of Acceptance

I not only have an abundance of mirror neurons and empathy because these are the strength of my brain, but I was also raised by parents who also have a brain wired for extra mirror neurons and empathy.  My parents taught me to accept EVERYONE and to help those in need.  I was blessed with acceptance and not judgment. I was taught the love of ear-reading and given audiobooks to listen to from Zig Ziglar, Earl Nightingale, Dale Carnegie... and many more.  I was taught about Leo Buscaglia and his values.   I live my life based on the teachings of Leo even when people are mean to me or treat me bad.  Oh, you don't know Leo Buscaglia?  Well then, here's a very short clip of him in action:

Doesn't he just make you smile?  Well, that's my reaction.  I have an intrinsic passion for the inclusion of everyone.  

3:  The Superpower of Tenacity

Having dyslexia, dysgraphia, and ADD (plus anxiety and depression) is not easy and as a child, I didn't know anyone else like me so I knew that I was different.  I was on a quest to find others like me, as well as, to find the real ME.  I searched for answers in movies and books.  In high school, I found the answer in Joseph Campbell's book The Hero with a Thousand Faces and knew that I was on my own Hero's Journey!  I learned we are all on our own Hero's Journey and each movie and book took me on these adventures. The characters in these books and movies are like friends to me.  I am not an outsider looking in but immersed in the stories as if I too were living them and experiencing the same adventures. I mastered my own Superpower skill of Tenacity!  I don't give up.  Watch my friend, Samwise Gamgee, explain exactly what I mean to Frodo Baggins:

Yes, I am a person with dyslexia, dysgraphia, and ADD (plus anxiety and depression) but I am also a person with many Superpowers- Empathy, Acceptance, and Tenacity.  In elementary and junior high my life was filled with shame and exclusion.  In high school when I became "friends" with Joseph Campbell I heard my calling to help others.  Like many, I refused this calling. I thought, who was I to help others- I am not worthy.  Due to my inner tenacity, I took the leap of faith and headed off to college to pursue a degree in Psychology (I also have minors in Health Education and Marketing).  With the help of all my Supernatural Aids (the characters of my movies and books), I went on to get a Master's degree in Clinical Counseling and became a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor with supervisory status and then entered Crossing the Threshold into the working world.  I was taught how to diagnose all types of learning disabilities, worked in many areas of special education as a therapist, and eventually, I entered the Belly of the Whale by opening my own private practice as a Psycho-educational Diagnostician and Counselor in 2007- Forest Alliance Coaching (and Forest Alliance Coaching FB page).  On my journey of helping others I have been down many Roads of Trials and I'm still on these roads but I have the tenacity to just keep going. I now have my Ph.D. in Psychology with a specialization in Educational Psychology.

As I continue my journey I have ventured into many other areas where I can help others live a better life.  A few years ago I started The Dragonfly Forest a blog where I can share insights and motivate others who are different and often have disabilities (ADHD, Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, Asperger's...).  Through The Dragonfly Forest blog, The Dragonfly Forest FB page, and my private practice I have become even more involved in the disability community and now have Dragonfly friends all over the world.   

In early February 2013, I read about the Decoding Dyslexia movement in New Jersey and knew I was receiving another calling (one I didn't hesitate to answer).  I contacted Deborah Lynam from DD-New Jersey and got started on Decoding Dyslexia Ohio by making a commitment to DD-NJ and then starting Decoding Dyslexia here in Ohio and created the Decoding Dyslexia Ohio Facebook page.   The DD-OH journey has been an exciting one and I know that I was guided this way so I can continue to help make the lives of others a better place.  I meet with the wonderful parents of children with dyslexia in Ohio and look forward to sharing this journey with them.  The parents have been such a great support system as well and these parents suggested there be another Facebook group that focused Family Support (since the website and other FB pages were focused on school and legal issues) so DD-OH Family Support Group page was started.  I am so excited by all the adventures we will be having on this DD-OH journey and thrilled that God, the Higher Power, or the Universe guided me in this direction. 

Here is one final video that I think really supports my life's journey and my Superpowers. Some of you will recognize a young Ben Foss (it was filmed in 2003 btw).   I love being on this journey with some great people like this - and YOU!  Thanks for sharing this journey with me! 

Direct link to Inside the Hidden World of Dyslexia and ADHD

(Image: photo of me, Dr. Jill Lam with Ben Foss both standing and smiling at the camera)

(Image: my own photo of a blue and green dragonfly and my own quote: "Be proud of who you are because you are great!")

  

Why we should NOT follow the Golden Rule!

* Note: this was posted in Fall 2016 but necessary to re-share today~

I have been reading and hearing from Trump supporters "What are you so afraid of?  We already had racism, hate, rape...."  Ummm Society is aware that the world was NOT safe but this point of view is very egocentric.   People are afraid not because they fear these things but because the accepted Political Correct etiquette is now gone because Americans have a role model who is NOT Politically Correct.  I have been hearing how refreshing to listen to Trump because he is real and honest with his thoughts and feelings and people are too sensitive about "offending" others so they are glad to get rid of this Political Correct etiquette.  What people don't understand is that being PC is actually just being respectful.  By saying "Happy Holidays" instead of Merry Christmas to people is respecting that the other person may not be Christian and you are accepting that they might not share your religion.  Being PC means that you don't push your views on another person because the other person has a different experience than you do and you shouldn't assume we all experience life the same way.   I am also hearing people say that they are bringing Christian values back like the Gold Rule.  Well, that isn't the right answer either...

We need to stop teaching our children the Golden Rule.  Yep, that’s right!  We are teaching our children to do unto others as they themselves want done unto.  The concept sounds great.  If we want to be treated with respect we treat others with respects.  But if we actually follow this rule it means to treat others exactly how WE want to be treated.  So, if I like being touched and appreciate being hugged I should touch and hug others.  What if they don’t want to be touched and hugged?  Then what?  If you are the type of person that wants to be left alone when hurting and leave others alone when they are hurting you may lose friends.  Some people may want you to do everything in your power to let them know you care and you are there.  So treat others how THEY want to be treated.  

The Golden Rule is essentially a person being egocentric.  This is actually a type of cognitive bias, false-consensus effect to be exact.  We have a tendency to overestimate how much other people have the same values, opinions, beliefs, and preferences.  Yes, people can have a lot in common but we should NOT assume that we have everything in common.

If we are not teaching our children the Golden Rule, what should we be teaching them?  We need to teach empathy.  Empathy is being able to understand the perspectives of other people.  So instead of treating others how WE want to be treated, we need to treat others how THEY want to be treated!  This is referred to as the Platinum Rule.