How students with disabilities are discriminated against in schools - the problem: Ableism

This article is to help you understand that people with disabilities (visible & invisible) are discriminated against and it needs to STOP. 

The REAL problem with our education system isn’t the common core curriculum but ableism.  Ableism like any other “ism” is the belief that abled people are superior to disabled people and the only way to do things (learn, read, walk, see, hear…) is the non-disabled way.  Ableism is a form of prejudice that is not only overlooked but tolerated, condoned, and defended.  

Think about it - how often do schools teach and celebrate people with disabilities?  When schools address diversity they avoid or disregard the diversity of disabilities (actually a form of ableism). 

School districts proudly state they have a culture and climate that supports inclusion but this is not a reality until we openly embrace people of all kinds of disabilities.  

I wrote this article to help you understand ableism in our schools.  Here is a great litmus test – if you replace a person’s color, religion, or gender with a disability in a situation you will come to realize that schools are discriminating against students with disabilities.

·        In order for a student with a disability to receive an appropriate education, there must be proof he has a disability.  Race and gender are no longer allowed to be used to deny a student an education but if a student with a disability does not meet the school’s eligibility requirements then he is denied an education.

For example, Jane has dyslexia which makes it hard for her to decode and keep up with her peers in reading.  Jane did not qualify for special education services because she is passing her subjects and her standardized tests scores are “average.”  The school denies her an evidence-based reading program (explicit, systematic, phonics-based approach) and requires her to learn to read via programs conducive to only non-dyslexic peers.  Umm Ableism!

·        School systems and even some parents tend to focus on “fixing” the student with a disability instead of creating educational environments conducive for all students with disabilities.  The problem lies in the belief that something is wrong with the student with a disability because they do not fit into the ‘abled’ school or social setting. 

For example, Jack not only has learning disabilities but he also experiences anxiety (often this is a result of years of discrimination, being made to feel something is wrong with them, and not being educated appropriately).  Teachers (and other adults) believe that Jack should learn information in the way they are teaching and function like his non-disabled peers.  These assumptions cause teachers to focus on “fixing” Jack by forcing him to do things their way – be it eye-reading, handwriting assignments/test, speaking in front of others…  The goal is to create an all-new Jack, one that looks, acts, and learns like his non-disabled peers.  Is this okay?  How would you feel if white teachers focused on teaching African American students how to look, act, and behave white so they would “fit in?” 

·        Referring to a person having a disability as just having a ‘difference’ is ableism.  Using the label of ‘difference’ does NOT take away the disability.  Instead of empowering a person by using the word ‘difference’ the person is actually being marginalized.  When students are told about their disability and it is acknowledged, they experience less shame.  Students with disabilities are well aware of how different they are from their non-disabled peers.  Minimizing their disabilities as just a ‘difference’ causes students with disabilities more difficulties.  Often it is a parent pushing for the label of ‘difference’ because the parent is struggling to come to terms with their child not being ‘normal.’  “See my child isn’t abnormal she is just different.”  The same can be said for the person who refers to themselves as not having a disability but only having a ‘difference.’  Denying the disability is the same as denying one’s gender or race – we are what we are! - Learn why the word disability is better!

·        School counselors and teachers tend to believe that a good way to include students with disabilities is to have a “Buddy” program where non-disabled students are paired up with students with disabilities.  Hmm, let’s put this program to the test- would it be appropriate to assign non-white students a white “buddy” so they can be included in the majority white mainstream culture?  No, this would be racist! 

·        Anti-bullying programs are everywhere (which are actually counterproductive by the way – here’s what works better).  Sadly, students with disabilities are often the target in bullying situations and school staff members condone the behaviors of the bullies.  If the student being bullied does not fit in as ‘normal’ than these students are blamed for causing the problem.  Parents of students with Asperger’s or on the Autism Spectrum are often told by school counselors and teachers that the student would benefit from social skills counseling.  The goal here is to get the student with a disability to fit in so THEY no longer are the target of the bullying behaviors.  What if a student was being bullied because of his religion?  Would it be appropriate to tell the parents of a Jewish student they need to take their child to counseling so the child can learn ways to fit in with his Christian peers?  

·        School districts require students to learn a foreign language but most refuse to offer American Sign Language as an option.  Students with learning disabilities especially language processing disabilities and dyslexia struggle with learning the English language but are forced to participate in classes where they will not be successful and are informed that no accommodations or modifications can be provided (I’ve been told this one personally).  This is actually discrimination.  When parents request their child be provided a more appropriate course, parents are told they must find and pay for the course themselves.  What happened to free and appropriate education here?  Furthermore, isn’t the school supposed to be a safe environment for students?  By forcing students with disabilities that impede their ability to learn a foreign language to meet foreign language requirements the school district is causing unnecessary emotional distress. (Universities like Yale even exempt students with dyslexia from the foreign language requirement - taking foreign culture instead so why can't high schools?)

·        When teachers tell parents that Little Johnny would be doing much better in class if he could just stay focused is ableism.  Little Johnny has ADHD and he does not need to be cured with medication or more discipline.  What Little Johnny needs is understanding and accommodations.  Telling him to “just try harder” is discrimination.  Assuming he is lazy is ableism – he has a disability and yet he is expected to behave as if he is ‘normal.’   Negative comments like these are actually attacking Little Johnny’s self-esteem and in turn, makes the ADHD worse.  Students with anxiety, depression, and other disabilities experience more negative judgments than their non-disabled peers.  Instead of embracing and understand the individual students, school staff members are discriminating against the students who don’t fit in or are more difficult to teach.  Hmm, what if school staff members said these judgmental comments to students based on their race, gender, or religion?

Are you aware that inclusion is NOT really inclusion and here are some examples of students with disabilities being excluded:

Did you know that students with disabilities that require them to receive more individualized support for their disability are excluded from extracurricular classes such as art, gym, music, or even recess?  These classes and activities are a great way for students to interact with each other, build social skills, self-esteem, and feel included.  Research has shown that the social and emotional health of students with and without disabilities has a direct impact on their academic success. A school would never be allowed to use race, gender, or religion to exclude a student from classes and activities but do it daily to students with disabilities.

School districts "must ensure that children and youth with disabilities have an equal opportunity to participate in the program or activity of the school including extracurricular activities."  Too often children with disabilities are excluded from participating in sports and other extracurricular activities by coaches and teachers.  For example, it is discrimination if a student with anxiety is denied playing time in a sport because of his/her anxiety.  It is emotionally damaging and increases a child's anxiety to have to sit on the bench while all other players get an opportunity to play yet this exclusion is often condoned by coaches and school administrators. For more examples and more details regarding the discrimination of students with disabilities in extracurricular activities read the Office of Civil Rights Department of Education Dear Colleague letter.

Furthermore, schools have a minimum GPA requirement for a student to participate in sports with no accommodation for students with disabilities. This is often a state rule but schools do have the power to make some adjustments based on the individual student.  Sometimes a student is trying exceptionally hard academically and they just can't meet the grade expectations so they are punished by not being allowed to participate in sports. Denying these students the opportunity to participate in sports because they are not successful academically is discrimination and ableism! The Department of Education agrees that students with disabilities should NOT be discriminated against and allowed to participate in sport. Furthermore, even the NCAA understands that not all athletics will meet academic eligibility, here's an excerpt & link: "For academic eligibility purposes, the NCAA defines an education-impacting disability (EID) as a current impairment that has a substantial educational impact on a student's academic performance and requires accommodations." I have written frequently about how it is NOT okay for teachers and school districts to allow students to fail: Why are students failing if schools are required to provide a free and appropriate education? and Students don't fail, the education system is failing our students!

What you should be able to notice in this article is how able-entitlement is one of the problems.  When you are able – able to walk, read, talk, see, and are free from mental health issues such as anxiety and depression… you assume that everyone else can do what you do and if they do things differently than they are doing them wrong.  You believe that your way is the best way despite research providing evidence to the contrary. 

School staff members must realize that ableism is a form of discrimination and prejudice against students with physical, mental, emotional, or intellectual disabilities.  Ableism is characterized by the belief that these students can be fixed, are not as capable as their non-disabled peers, and would be successful if they would only try harder, focus more, learn in the way their peers are learning, or build up their own self-esteem and self-worth. Adults have the power to make or break a child and sadly, students with disabilities are often broken by being discriminated against.  Research studies have provided evidence that people who are discriminated against have more mental health issues, lower self-esteem, and increased amounts of anxiety and depression.

School districts boast that they are opening and accepting of all students, celebrate diversity, recognize multicultural concerns, and have a mission to facilitate maximum learning for every student.  Sadly students with disabilities are excluded in all ways.   

Finally, as a person who focuses on the positive and strength of the student I have no problem with the term disability but I prefer to use appropriate labels – Autism, Asperger’s, Anxiety, ADHD, Depression, Dyslexia, Dysgraphia….   Teach students to work to their strength and stop trying to make them all fit into a mold of ‘normal.’   When teaching about diversity include people with disabilities.  Remember excluding or ignoring students with disabilities IS ableism.

The importance of changing Learned Helplessness in students with disabilities

RE-SHARING!!!  This is so important to understand please pass-along to anyone who works with kids!

Why do some students with learning disabilities (LD) succeed while others appear unmotivated, fail, or drop out?  The answer is quite simple.  The LD students who are more successful have grit – tenacity.  The LD students who are not achieving academic success have developed learned helplessness.  Students do not develop learned helplessness because teachers and/or parents coddle the students, do things for them, or make things too easy.  Learned helplessness is a condition in which the student has come to believe that he/she is helpless in a situation and events are out of his/her control. Learned helplessness is so damaging to a student and is the reason many quit rather than try harder, procrastinate, and even experience emotional problems. As an Educational Coach, Therapist, and Psycho-educational Diagnostician I will enlighten you on learned helplessness and changes that need to be made to help all LD students. 

BACKGROUND:

Decades ago, a psychologist, Martin Seligman, performed some experiments on dogs. Here’s the abridged version.  The researchers put dogs into different situations where they were placed in cages (shutter boxes).  Some dogs were placed in a cage where they received an electric shock but were able to end the shock by pressing a lever, while other dogs were placed in a cage where they experienced random shocks but had NO ability to make the shock stop or escape.  The dogs who had some control over their negative experiences recovered quickly but the dogs who could not escape or stop the pain learned to be helpless, gave up, and displayed clinical depressive symptoms.   Later the dogs were placed 

in another box and only needed to jump over to the other side to escape the pain.  The dogs who learned they could control their environment jumped over the small barrier quickly.  The dogs who had no control over their situation continued to display helpless behaviors and instead of escaping the situation they just laid down and whined; they didn’t even try.   Would we call these dogs lazy, unmotivated, or coddled?  No, we would not, the dogs had learned to be helpless.  No matter what, they could not change their environment or situation even if they had a desire to change– they were stuck. 

HOW THIS RELATES TO STUDENTS WITH LD:

More research has occurred over the past decades focused on learned helplessness and we have discovered that it happens in humans as well.   We are now able to understand why kidnap victims do not seize the opportunity to escape or why a battered spouse stays in an abusive relationship.  We also now understand why some students with LD give up.  

When students attend school, they are stuck.  The law says that a student MUST be in school and unless you are homeschooled you cannot just leave when you are feeling scared, vulnerable, stupid, or sometimes even sick.   Classroom management techniques are designed to assure that the teacher has all the power so students are controlled.  Granted, these classroom management techniques are often necessary but think about how similar they are to the cage the dogs were stuck in – quite similar in fact but with windows and more people.  

Now, some of these students will experience a great deal of negative pain while in these classrooms because they have LD.  They will watch other students grasp concepts and ideas quicker and with ease while they struggle.  These students with LD will also watch teachers praise and give positive attention to students who are being academically successful but they themselves cannot seem to achieve this academic success no matter how hard they try.  Often despite trying exceptionally hard, teachers send clear messages to these students that they are perceived as lazy, unmotivated, not working hard enough, not working up to their potential…  Wow, more shocking pain that they cannot escape and these LD students experience intense shame (Shaming needs to stop post).   

Students with LD often have the intellectual capabilities to be academically successful but have a false perception that they lack these abilities and have learned that trying hard or putting in effort has no positive effect.  Remember, a student’s perception is his/her reality.  So, even if they are gifted and LD they may still experience learned helplessness.  Learned helplessness undermines the student’s motivation to learn, reduces the student’s ability to learn, establishes ineffective learning strategies, and deteriorates school performance.

Over time these students with LD end up just giving up and accepting their fate that they are stupid, will never learn, or will always fail anyway so why try.  This is why there is a high dropout rate by the way!  And let’s not forget that with these feelings of learned helplessness are other problems such as anxiety, depression, stress, suicide…   Which is why I work hard to help teachers understand that students should never be labeled as a student with a behavior problem or lazy – the behaviors are a symptom of a deeper issue and behaviors often stems from learned helplessness and shame. 

FIXING THE PROBLEM:

Studies have provided evidence that the teacher-student dynamic is a major factor that contributes to the development and maintenance of learned helplessness.   This is not because teachers intend to create this environment for students but because when the student struggles and displays learned helplessness behaviors, positive reinforcements and support seldom occur.   An LD student experiencing learned helplessness will not be motivated to do better by receiving bad grades which often is frustrating for the teacher who in turn give up on trying to even help the student.  Let’s face it, teaching students who are motivated is much easier than teaching students who struggle and display self-defeating behaviors.

Ways the system needs to change:

Teach and embrace differences.  Many schools have been willing to focus on cultural and racial diversities yet few focus on learning diversities as a whole.  Some teachers are educating their students in their own classrooms about learning differences and the importance of accepting how everyone learns but this is hardly done at a district level.  School districts are focused on Academic Excellence- praising and rewarding students and teachers who are high achievers.  Yes, we want students to be achieving but school districts are “doing it wrong.”  Success in school should not be defined in regards to high scores but instead, success should be defined as progress and improvement.  Improving the academic knowledge and self-esteem of students should be the focus of all education.  School districts also need to eliminate the shaming – discussed here: Stop the shaming post.        

School districts need to stop being afraid of the numbers (amount of students in special education) and just do what is right for all students!  I’m frequently in school meetings where I hear principals, school psychologists, or special education directors tell parents that their child doesn’t qualify for services.  This is often because the student “fits in the box” of average and therefore does not need the extra support services, accommodations, or intervention programs the parents (and myself since I diagnosed the student with a disability) believe are necessary.  We are not wanting arbitrary services and supports.  We see the struggles the child is dealing with.  We are standing outside the cage watching the child disintegrating from the pain and are trying to prevent learned helplessness.  It can be extremely frustrating watching the school district continue to press the shock button over and over and refusing to help stop the pain.  By the way, I have never met a parent who has asked the school for help when the child did not need the help but I have experienced many school district refuse to provide help when it is explicitly clear what needs to be done. 

Teachers need to stop using red ink all over the papers!   When teachers focus on errors, they are teaching students that failing is wrong/bad and that it isn’t okay to make mistakes.  In reality we really do learn more from the mistakes we make than the things we get right so we need to help students embrace errors.  The score at the top of the paper should be the number the student received correct.  The answers the students got wrong should be identified and the students should be taught how to go back over their mistakes, relearn (or be retaught) the material, and correct the mistakes. This technique should be taught as early as kindergarten and continue until the student graduates cause the goal is for students to learn, isn’t it?   Some students will need to be re-taught the material they missed in a different way because what the errors (poor grades) tells us is the student has failed to learn the information.   Sometimes teachers have gotten into the habit of thinking that the F means that the student has failed to study, or the student failed to listen, or the student has failed to apply him/herself, or the parents failed to do their part… 

This leads me to the next important thing that needs changed - blame.  To learn everyone needs to participate, the students, parents, and most importantly the teachers.  The teachers are the leaders here and if a student is not progressing and improving in their learning most of this responsibility needs to fall on the teachers shoulders.  I have heard many teachers place blame on the students and/or parents.  When a student struggles with learned helplessness the teacher needs to add specific strategies to help guide the student out of their perceived electric cage.  Most students with learned helplessness require a teacher to be explicit in their instructions and take time to meet with the student one-on-one to provide assistance.  Remember, an LD student hears comments such as “Your written response is sloppy and poorly written” as criticism (an electric shock) so focus on positive constructive comments such as “Let’s think of another way to answer this problem.”  This demonstrates that you, as the teacher, really do care and are willing to help alleviate the pain.  This does not mean that you as the teacher are doing the work.  You are guiding the student on how to do the work, rewarding them for their effort, and providing the student an opportunity to feel success. 

Remember that students with learned helplessness have learned to just give up so they may be resistant to help.  Think of them as a traumatized dog that just left the cage and the shocks were conditioned with human contact – the dogs will then avoid humans.  So when interacting with these students focus on the things the student does well and avoid focusing on what they are doing wrong or it will only make them more resistant and have increased avoidance.  I coach many LD students with learned helplessness and know that they do not want to have failing grades, they don’t want to feel stupid.  These students really just want the pain to stop but have no idea how.  Parents often try to help but they often have to spend their evenings trying to glue pieces of their child’s shattered self-esteem back together (these students frequently come home and let out all their anxiety, fears, and frustrations).  Teachers can help alleviate this pain.  One of the common themes in LD students with grit, is they had at least one teacher/mentor who believed in them so they in turn started to believe in themselves.  They had teachers/mentors who never gave up on them even when the times got tough and helped teach them that failing doesn’t make them a failure.  We all need people in our lives to help instill motivation, especially these students with learned helplessness.

Finally, we need to change the structure of our educational system to include instructions on developing grit and tenacity.  To be straight forward here – schools should focus less on developing new curriculums like the “Common Core” and put more energy into developing programs to teach grit, tenacity, and perseverance.  To learn more about this read, Promoting Grit, Tenacity, and Perseverance: Critical Factors for Success in the 21stCentury.  

Just think of how much better a school district would be if they could actually educate students to be successful in the world by having a positive self-esteem and grit.  I hypnotize that our prison population would decrease and we would have more productive high achieving citizens. 

Here is an activity that is similar to the one I do when teaching college classes and for professional development workshops for schools it's only a few minutes long and is a great example of how easy it is to develop learned helplessness. (if the video doesn't appear below click the link to get to the video)

Learned Helplessness link

(Image below: picture of an adult female sitting with her arm around a young male who is looking at a book and has a distressed look on his face.  A quote from Sutherland & Singh's book 'Learned Helplessness and Students with Emotional or Behavioral Disorders: Deprivation in the Classroom-' "Students who are repeatedly exposed to school failure are particularly at risk for the development of learned helplessness." Then my explanation of learned helplessness from the research - "How to know if a student is experiencing learned helplessness: *Takes little independent initiative * Prefers easy problems & avoids hard problems * Makes negative or degrading comments about own ability *If fails one part of a task is certain to fail entire task *Gives up easily *Stops trying or avoids difficult academic work *Does not respond with pride when talking about academics *Does poorly despite having ability)

References if you need them:

Schunk, D. H. (1984). Sequential attributional feedback and children's achievement behaviors. Journal of Educational Psychology 76(6), 1159–1169.

Seligman, M.E.P. (1975). Helplessness: On Depression, Development, and Death. San Francisco: W.H.Freeman.

Sutherland, K.S., & Singh, N.N. (2004). Learned Helplessness and Students with Emotional or Behavioral Disorders: Deprivation in the Classroom. Behavioral Disorders, 29(2), 169-181.

Tollefson, N. (2000). Classroom applications of cognitive theories of motivation. Educational Psychology Review, Vol. 12, No. 1, pp. 63-83.

5 ways to deal with a professional who bullies and intimidates

Have you ever been in a meeting where someone behaved toward you in a bullying way with the intent to intimidate you?  

This may happen if you are working on trying to enlighten others to see a different perspective, you are challenging their confirmation bias, and/or you know more than the other person.  

We all have biases and we need to understand our own biases while also understanding the biases of others.  Click here's more about biases!  Sadly, many people are unaware of their biases and therefore make judgments and decisions that are skewed and/or inflexible.  

As a therapist and person with exceptionally high empathy, I tend to naturally spin the actions of others to look beyond their behaviors and emotions to the underlying reasons.  I do not often allow the negative behaviors to turn my behaviors and feelings negative.  This isn't always possible, especially after being personally attacked.  Since I am often in meetings being the voice of my clients I am frequently in situations where professionals do not act professionally. Other professionals (teachers, counselors, school psychs, administrators...) can use bullying and intimidation tactics instead of appropriate more professional forms of communication. This may happen as a response to the professionals picking up the anxiety, sadness, fear, and frustration from the parent of my client.  Parents of children with disabilities tend to have a lot of negative experiences as they work to getting their child appropriate services in an educational environment so they come into meetings bubbling with a lot of emotions.  The unprofessional bullying behaviors from professionals are also, at times, a reaction to me enlightening them to things they don't want to see or know. Sometimes it's because they realize that I know much more they do and they are feeling insecure. 

The problem with me being a therapist and person with exceptionally high empathy.... people think that they CAN intimidate and bully me!  Yes, I put up with a lot of crap from people because I can see that the person doing the bullying and intimidating is really insecure, afraid, less educated, weak, or has at least one 'ism' (racism, ableism, sexism...).  Because I don't bully or intimate back, the other person usually assumes they have won or "put me in my place."  

Don't ever assume that tolerance and empathy are weaknesses!  I am NOT weak!  I am more powerful because I don't attack back I work to create a better understanding for all.  I work to assure that everyone is felt validated.  This takes much more patience and skill to behave with integrity than "putting someone in their place" by bullying or intimidating.  

Here are 5 ways you too can be the better person when attacked by a professional using bullying and intimidation tactics.

1.)     The first thing you need to do is BREATHE!  You may or may not be shocked that a professional just used bullying intimidation tactics to attack you but either way, you will feel the punch in your gut so you must remember to breathe!  So right after it happens- take a deep breath in, all the way down to the bottom of your lungs and let it out slowly.  As you breathe in think similar words "I'm in control," "I'm better than this ASS," or "I will not be intimidated."  As you let your breath out think calm and relaxing thoughts.  You need to do this so you don't allow the ASS to win by pissing you off.

2.)    After you take a breath in and out--put a smile on your face.  Yes, this may seem passive aggressive but the bullying intimidator needs to know that you are not being "put in your place." This smile is there as evidence that YOU are the better person and gives the message that you cannot be attacked in this fashion.

3.)    This smile will also help you remember that professionals who use bullying and intimidation as a communication strategy are NOT being professional.  By keeping your cool, YOU are being the professional in the room!  Professionals do not attack even when attacked.  Professionals are mature adults that understand empathy and support.

4.)    Don't take anything the bullying intimidator says personally.  Their amygdala is out in control and they are in a lower level processing part of their brain -- think immature monkey.  They will do and say just about anything at this point & their goal is to squash you.  If they see you are taking it personally they will continue to attack.  When they see you are not bothered because you have a smile on your face they will be even more pissed off.  Do nothing back to the bullying intimidator but show as much kindness as you can muster.  It will make them even angrier and their true colors will be displayed in the meeting.  FYI be careful because retaliation will occur so you must document everything.  Parents of kids with disabilities & professionals who advocate for them are often the target of retaliation because we continue to fight battles the school districts often want us to give up on.  

5.)    Finally, reward yourself for not attacking back but standing your ground and letting the bullying intimidator know that you will not allow others to treat you this way.  Know that you were being the better person by not stooping to their level.  Don't let the behaviors of others stop you from fighting for yourself or your child.  

Key take-away:  Even when others act in an unprofessional manner continue to have integrity and behave in a manner that will make you feel pride.  People who bully and intimidate are lying to themselves if they feel proud of their behaviors or justify them by blaming others.  

(Image: photo of a brown dragonfly on a stem that also has a spiderweb attached both all covered with small drops of dew creating a dragonfly with stunning wings covered with small water beads and a cobweb enhanced by hundreds of tiny water drops and a quote from Karen Horney - “If you want to be proud of yourself, then do things in which you can take pride” )

My story is not ending - Project Semicolon & my tattoo

I know that tattoos are not for everyone but I have wanted one for a while & yesterday I finally got my tattoo.  I am thrilled to finally get this tattoo because it has so much meaning for me!  

I have shared openly about my disabilities in a past post- Who I Am. BTW, I am not ashamed to use the word 'disability' because to not use the word disability I would be denying the problems I experience with depression, anxiety, dyslexia, dysgraphia, & ADD.  Here's a better post on Why it is better to use the word disability instead of difference.  Society needs to stop making it shameful to use the words disability & mental illness!  

This is why my tattoo is so important to me!  I got my tattoo to own my struggles with depression & anxiety.  I also want to openly show my support for others who have these battles. Being open will hopefully reduce the shame & stigma around mental illnesses.  As a therapist people often think that we are the ones that have it all together and never experience depression & anxiety but that is not true. The professions of psychology & counseling often have some of the highest suicide rates.  I believe one of the reasons is because we are told it is not okay to disclose our own challenges.  Well, I am for full disclosure & I am open with my clients - I let them know that I have these as well & I can assure them that life is worth living when we have support & learn to accept exactly who we are.  

So, let me explain my tattoo to you!  This tattoo is my Dragonfly Forest (visit my FB page at The Dragonfly Forest & my private therapy practice FB page at Forest Alliance Coaching).  For those of you who don't know my married name is LAM and it means Forest in Chinese - these are the Chinese Characters for Lam/Forest. The Forest (woods) is also my escape & the place I go for inner salvation. The Dragonfly is the symbol of who I am & I'm proud to be a unique amazing Dragonfly!  The body of my Dragonfly is a Semicolon.  It is to represent that my story isn't over! It stems from Project Semicolon.  Project Semicolon is a nonprofit movement started by Amy Bleuel to honor her father, who took his own life.  It is to bring awareness & shame reduction to those who battle depression, suicide, addiction, anxiety, & other mental illnesses.  Here's the reason a semicolon is used - "A semicolon is used with an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to.  The author is you, and the sentence is your life." 

My goal is to continue to openly discuss the topics that people would rather keep hidden - learning disabilities & mental illnesses. We have nothing to be ashamed of because we have more battles to fight than others. We will have less battles to fight when there is no longer discrimination and negative stigmas about having a disability and/or mental illness.  

Be strong & Be proud!  

(Image description: photo of my left arm wearing a heart linked gold & silver watch & a bracelet that says "Just Keep Going" and my tattoo of a dragonfly with a semicolon body & the Chinese Character for Lam (my last name) which means Forest. On the right side of the picture is my own quote "Be a warrior! Be a survivor! Just keep going! Don't let your story end! Proud to be a Dragonfly!")

Why are students failing if schools are required to provide a free and appropriate education?

I continue to struggle with the concept of allowing students to FAIL, especially students with disabilities. What I mean by fail is - failing to be taught, the student failing to learn, failing grades, failing to protect a student's self-esteem,  failing appropriate educational strategies/curriculum...  Parents should not have to be paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for outside tutoring (this is very true - I have proof if people don't believe this).

I do NOT understand how people who work with students do not know what a 'free and appropriate education' means. I don't understand how educators and coaches can shame and blame children.  I was in a meeting once trying to explain what it is like to live in the learning disabled student's shoes (and parent's shoes) to educators.  They became very defensive claiming that they fully understand and took offense to my comments because this is what they do for a living.  

Well, I take offense to educators blaming and shaming students. When an educator puts in writing that a student with learning disabilities is "unmotivated" and "unwilling" that is proof these educators lack empathy and have no idea how hard it is for a student with disabilities to learn in a classroom setting where their limitations are ignored.   Yes, it can be frustrating for a teacher to have to explain the directions to a student 20 times, but if that is what is needed for the student to understand, then that is what they need to do. 

A 'free and appropriate education' (FAPE) means that every student who qualifies as a student with disabilities, regardless of the nature or severity of their disability, should be taught. Allowing a student to fail is not teaching them.  I have seen high schoolers who read at elementary school levels.  This is evidence that the school did not provide the student FAPE, especially if they did not qualify the student as a student with a disability.  I have evaluated some high school and college-aged students who had deficient reading skills that were never evaluated for a disability.  How could teachers, year after year, fail to teach these students to read?  Why were they passing a student who could not read (or write in some cases)?   Not one teacher or other educator noticed this child was struggling with academic skills?  If the student received any kind of support from the school, then that is enough evidence to think there might be a disability and therefore the school is legally required by law to evaluate that student to determine if the student does have a disability (Child Find Law).  Some students are not assessed because educators blame the student or parents for the child not learning.  

If the student is evaluated, often the student is not found eligible for special education services that will allow the student to receive specialized services to help them learn.  Again, the student and/or parents may be blamed. Also, students don't qualify because schools do not adequately acknowledge hidden disabilities and some outright ignore hidden disabilities.  A child doesn't have to have a severe discrepancy in scores to be eligible as a student with a disability. Yet, when the student doesn't have a discrepancy, the district uses this as proof the student doesn't need specialized educational support and therefore it is the student's fault.  Parents are then left to pay for outside tutoring and educational support while the student is left feeling helpless and stupid.  School districts are then creating a more significant problem - student Learned Helplessness (this post is critical to understand). 

If school districts really did care about making sure all students were educated, then they would not allow teachers to fail students.  Administrators would tell teachers that they MUST make sure the student is learning the curriculum - this means all students not just the ones that are easy to teach.  This means the students that are difficult to teach.  The ones who have difficulty staying focused in class, the ones who cannot read at grade level, the ones who cannot spell or write, the ones who have anxiety and therefore do not willingly participate.  

Students do not have the brain maturity to make adult decisions, so adults need to help guide them- no matter how long it takes.  Students do NOT want to fail but some students would rather people think they are 'lazy' and that is the reason they are failing because it is too painful to fail after putting in the effort (these students have spent years putting in effort & getting poor results). 

Students are not "unwilling" they are actually unable.  Students are not "unmotivated" they lack the skills necessary to do the work, so they are lost.  I just heard a parent say to me that even if his child was offered a million dollars to do the work the child still wouldn't be able to do the work - it's just too hard.    

Don't believe me?  Orlando Bloom, who is dyslexic once shared that his mother used to try to bribe him to read.  He wanted a motorbike really bad, and she told him if he would read 50 books she would get him that motorbike.  He never got that motorbike.  

So, the bottom line is - if educators really had empathy on what it is like for the student who has a disability they would NEVER allow them to be excluded from learning.  Educators are eliminating them by not providing them with an appropriate education & accommodations.  

This picture is an example of what is not appropriate, and I know most educators would NEVER do this, but they do it every day when they allow a student to leave their classroom without fully understanding the material they are expected to learn (such as knowing how to read).  They do it when they blame the student for not being prepared, for not studying, for not passing a test... Would you blame this boy for not being able to stand with his peers on the bleachers?  Is HE "unwilling" or "unmotivated" to join the group?   

Here's a picture that really resonated with people with disabilities- they said this is exactly what it is like.  Here's the blog post to go with the picture:  Why We Should Help Students With Learning Disabilities .  If teachers had empathy then no student would ever drown!   This is unacceptable! 

The experience of being a parent of a child with a hidden disability

Being a parent isn’t easy.  Children do not come with instruction manuals or diagrams of how their brains are designed. Therefore, much of what we do as parents is trial and error. When your child has a hidden disability it is even more challenging.  Our parent instincts tell us that something is wrong, yet these concerns are often minimized by teachers.  This makes us question our own intuitions since the teachers should know more; it is their area of expertise, is it not?  Eventually, many parents will seek outside help in trying to figure out what is wrong with their child. As a parent it may take us years or just months to finally get some validation that our instincts were correct and our child has a disability that IS impeding his/her learning.  By that time the child is even further behind but it is such a relief to finally have an official diagnosis. 

Armed with the diagnosis and a renewed sense that our parenting skills are back on track we go to the school assuming the staff will embrace this diagnosis as we have.  Unfortunately, this may not be the case.  The staff at the school is not relieved to have this official diagnosis because it only validates that they have dropped the ball, they were wrong, and they have failed to teach this child appropriately.  So parents must experience another blow to their parenting self-concept, when the school become resistant or even hostile because parents begin educating themselves and advocating for their child.   Sometimes it seems that the school district has an unwritten policy to frustrate parents so much that they eventually give up and go away (many parents actually get physically sick during this process).

To make things even more challenging for parents, we experience many feelings of guilt.  We feel guilty that: we didn’t follow our guts earlier, we didn’t insist the school do something sooner, we didn’t get our child privately evaluated as soon as we suspected something was wrong, we believed the teachers that Response to Intervention must happen before the child is evaluated at the school, and we believed things would improve over time.  All of this guilt can be overwhelming especially when we continue to watch our children failing to learn and losing their self-esteem along the way.  No parent wants to watch their child fail and our children fail on a daily basis!

Because the disability is hidden teachers, coaches, and even peers often mislabel our kids as lazy, bad, problem child, stupid, retarded, or oppositional.  These are not accurate labels and are crushing to our child’s self-esteem (as well as ours as parents).  Our kids are often not the ones picked by teachers and coaches as “superstars.”  Our kids are the ones working the hardest but gets the least amount of recognition so it is no wonder that many of them have a negative view of school or just end up giving up all together.  It is not easy for our children to watch other children learn more easily, achieve academic success with little effort, and be recognized athletically or socially as a “great kid/player/student.”  Sadly, we live in a society that values “Superstars.”  Our children actually are “SUPERSTARS” because they work so much harder than their peers who are getting all the play time, recognition, and awards.  As a parent we can see the hidden disability and know that our children are better than their non-disabled peers we just wish the rest of the world could see this greatness! 

So based on my own personal experience of having three children with hidden disabilities here is my message to other parents and to teachers/coaches:

PARENTS:

It is so easy to become overwhelmed by the challenges your child experiences and the unrealistic perception of success that you fail to recognize your own child’s growth and learning.  When children grow and learn they are making progress.  The goal is not to solve all the problems but to progress toward being a better person.  Progress means to move forward toward improvement.  So, focus on going in the right direction, raising children that are empathetic caring human beings.  Know that you are doing a good job getting your child’s needs met because you are advocating for them.  You are being their voice when they have none. Effective parenting requires you focus on any progress they make no matter how small.  Refuse to be disappointed if your child does not receive the honors and accolades like his/her peers.  Applaud the progress your child is making so he/she know that you see how much effort is going into the learning (sports, social, or academic).    

TEACHERS/COACHES:       

We are very aware that our child is different so we do not need for you to tell us how our child does not fit in with his/her peers.  This difference is because of a hidden disability and not because our child is lazy, stupid, or whatever judgment you are having about our children.  Our child wants to be successful and is trying much more than his/her peers so please respect that and see the progress that is being made, no matter how small.  Please speak to our children in a positive tone and with words of praise and encouragement.  Our children may not be able to read social cues well yet they are very aware when they are being treated poorly.  Finally, please print out the picture quote below and post it where you can see it on a daily basis! 

What is School Culture & Why it Needs to Change!

I am always on a mission to make schools a better place for ALL students.  As the school year is coming to an end I want to discuss the importance of school culture.   Sadly, I am in a lot of schools where the school culture is an 'Us versus Them' mentality.  The teachers and administrators see themselves as the experts and parents as the enemy.  This culture is not conducive to student learning.  I often hear from school staff members that it is the other way around (parents see the school as the enemy).  Educators need to have empathy to understand a parent perspective AND be in a school culture that is supportive to parents.  


Most parents are NOT educators so they do not know how to teach their child specific academic skills and they trust that the teacher is the expert.  When the student is not progressing or learning the parents become SCARED.  A parent panics and asks for help only to be told it is them, the home environment, and/or the child. The reason behind this belief is in yesterday's blog post: "The Blame Game! Are School Problems the Kids' Fault?" by Pam Wright.  Educators should put themselves in the position of the parent and see it from their point of view.  If educators are the professionals they should be the ones to make the process better and not worse for parents and students.  Educators should not become defensive when a parent is upset. The parent may sound like it is a personal attack against the teacher but the parent is really upset with the culture of the school, which allows the blaming and shaming to occur.  


Here's a quick video that explains a little about culture in a school by Anthony Muhammad:

I have written a number of times about school culture and one that went viral shared thousands of times was "How to Have a Positive School to Build Self-esteem of All Students."    The culture of the schools in our country need to change.  All our children need to be an a culturally healthy environment! 

PLEASE, watch this video and share it with everyone in the educational system.  Get Anthony Muhammad's books - read them and share them!!!   Here are a list of his books that are a must read for every parent, teacher, administrator, and school board member:  Transforming School Culture: How to Overcome Staff Division (2009) and The Will to Lead, the Skill to Teach: Transforming Schools at Every Level (2011).  

Direct link to Moving the Bus Forward: Creating Healthy Learning Environments for All Students


In a healthy school culture, NO student should be failing-- it is just unacceptable!  Teachers know that all students have the ability to succeed -they, as teachers, just need to tap into the right motivation and techniques to educate students.  Dr. Muhammad writes in his book The Will to Lead, the Skill to Teach: Transforming Schools at Every Level (2011- p. 23)- "In his definition, Kent Peterson identifies four student characteristics that are prerequisites for school success: concern, attentiveness, prior knowledge, and compliance.  Any educator would agree that these are important assets in the learning process and that not all students arrive at school predisposed to these characteristics.  In toxic cultures, students are blamed for not possessing these characteristics, which releases adults from the responsibility of properly educating every student.  This mentality is in direct conflict with the objective of public schools - learning for all." 


So if your child attends a school where it is acceptable for some students to receive grades of D's and F's then your child is in a TOXIC culture (which means the student is NOT learning the necessary information - more about this in The Reason Behind Grades and How to Make Them Valid).  If you have ever been to a school meeting where a school staff member blamed or shamed you or your child then this is a TOXIC school culture.  There is no empathy for the parent of the student if blaming and shaming are occurring just because a student is NOT learning in a "typical" fashion and needs to be taught more explicitly.  We as a society need to stop failing our children and make changes to the whole school system not just the curriculum (common core...).  This article was written to enlighten you to the importance of school culture.  I will have future articles on how to improve school culture.  In the meantime read the books suggested to educate yourself!  

Want to learn more go to Dr. Muhammad's website: New Frontier 21.  Also, as an Educational Coach and Consultant I contract with schools to help build healthier school cultures so if interested in direct support contact me- Jill Lam MS.Ed, LPCC at Forest Alliance Coaching- 614-785-6405.

Ways to deal with unwanted advice, judgment, and opinions from family and friends during the holiday season

 It is holiday time again, and I think it is important to discuss ways to stay positive when feeling judged by family and friends.  Sometimes others do not understand what it is like to be a Dragonfly or to raise a Dragonfly, which leads to unwanted advice, judgment, and opinions.    Comments can range from the covert "Where is his/her coat?" to the more overt "My child would NEVER do/act like that."  or "If they were MY child, they would behave." 

First, remember you have the power to choose how you will react. Do not let them control your behavior with their words.

Second, know that you will NOT change a person's opinions or beliefs unless they are open to changing these opinions and ideas.  

Third, try one of these tactics, depending on what is said:

• Explain instead of defending: "Oh, I thought you knew my son/daughter has [Asperger's, Autism, Dyslexia, ADHD, Dysgraphia...].  His/her behaviors/choices are related to the way the brain is developed.  There's actually a lot to learn about [diagnosis]; if you are ever interested, I'll share some of the research with you."

• Use sarcasm: "Oh, my child has [diagnosis].  What's your excuse for being rude?"  Or, "I'm so glad to know that your parenting skills are so great and your children turned out perfect.  God probably knew that you couldn't handle challenges, so He gave you calm and compliant children.  God knows I'm strong, and therefore He gave me these extra special children who needed a great parent." 

• Use humor:  "Yep, my son/daughter is working on his/her superpowers.  He/she has yet to master the ability to break windows with his/her scream."  

• Ignore the comment and change the subject:  "Oh, hey, I saw on Facebook that you just got a new job what are you doing now."  Or "That's a beautiful sweater where did you get it?  Don't tell me you made it yourself."  

Fourth, you need to know these opinions, judgment, and beliefs are often said out of ignorance, insecurity, or rudeness.  Sometimes people really think they are helpful, but most of the time, people just believe that their opinions of parenting are the "correct" way and yours are wrong.  Remember Confirmation bias (see previous posts for details on this)

The key is to NOT take these thoughts, judgments, and opinions personal.  YOU are doing the best you can do, and that is all that is needed.  You do not need to listen to the advice of others cause YOU are the expert - not them!  

Why a Dragonfly?

I am often ask – Why refer to people who are different as a Dragonfly.  So here’s why:

Dragonflies are often misunderstood, undervalued, and labeled as wrong, bad, or evil.  They have been given names such as devil’s darning needle, ear sewer, horse stinger, skeeter hawk, and the snake’s servant. 

Many people dislike Dragonflies or even fear them; mainly because they have never taken the chance to see the gifts Dragonflies provide the world.  Dragonflies are beneficial, peaceful, and stunning.   Dragonflies do not bite you or harm you in any way.  If you actually look at a Dragonfly you will see the Dragonflies reveal iridescence – the ability to show itself in different colors depending on the angle and polarization of light falling on it~~ making the Dragonfly breathtaking. 

You are a Dragonfly if you are different because you have some type of disability, disorder, or difference.   You know if you are a Dragonfly because you will feel that you just don’t “fit-in” with what main-stream finds acceptable.  Some Dragonflies are obvious because they have physical disabilities that can be seen but many Dragonflies have hidden disabilities/disorders such as ADHD/ADD, Anxiety, Asperger's, Autism, Depression, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Nonverbal Learning Disability, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Sensory Processing Disorder, and Twice Exceptional (gifted but has a disability).

Finally, the Dragonfly symbolizes change – self-realization!  So this is why The Dragonfly Forest was created – as a place where Dragonflies can come to for motivation, inspiration, education, and be accepted as a Dragonfly!   

I try to keep my blog posts short and to the point (I know many of you Dragonflies don’t like to read long posts or lose interest if a video is longer than 15 – 20 minutes).  Please stop by and visit The Dragonfly Forest often and share this with your other Dragonfly friends!  

By the way I also have a Facebook page for The Dragonfly Forest, a business FB page for Forest Alliance Coaching, and a FB page for dyslexia Decoding Dyslexia Ohio, Decoding Dyslexia OH Family Support and Decoding Dyslexia Oh Homeschool Support ~~~  Go show your Dragonfly spirit and like these Facebook pages!!!