We all have Bias - learn to stop being so judgmental

Re-sharing - a post I wrote back in June 2013 but think it needs to be addressed again!  

There has been a lot of discussion in the media about racism, sexism, homophobia, equality… (There is no need to identify these stories because they could be any story; even your own story of being oppressed, discriminated against, of judged).   I will address these issues because they are vital to making the world a better place; so we can do better now that we will know better!  To do this we must first understand implicit bias and confirmation bias.  EVERYONE makes judgments based on both of these biases.  They are rooted in our upbringing and may be so deep you are not aware they exist.  But do not think that you are not prejudice or bias because we all are; it’s human nature. 

Understanding Bias:

Implicit bias is the unconscious attitudes and beliefs that can be expressed overtly or covertly.  These implicit biases develop early in our lives and can occur even if we believe we have no biases toward others.  Implicit bias can be measured (Harvard has done some great research in this area).  These biases are not only about race but also about: age, disabilities, religion, gender, and so on. 

Watch this video of Alan Alda taking this test and explain implicit bias.

Alan Alda doing the Implicit Bias test at Harvard

Here’s the link to check your own implicit bias: Implicit Bias Test 

People do not base their decisions and opinions on fact but instead on confirmation bias.  Confirmation bias is the process of paying attention to information about a person/topic/issue that confirms (validates) your belief/opinion and ignoring, minimizing, or rationalizing the information that does not support your belief/opinion.  The more emotionally charged an issue or topic is the more this bias occurs.  The recent political race is a perfect example of confirmation bias.   If a person liked one presidential candidate then most of the things that candidate said or did was spun in a positive light.  The other candidate could have done or said the exact same things but these would have been seen in a negative light. 

 Here’s a quick video that explains confirmation bias:

Confirmation Bias

Our brains automatically engage in low-effort information processing which consists of stereotyping and judgments (implicit bias).   We then look for information that validates these beliefs and opinions while we ignore or minimize information that disproves these beliefs and opinions (confirmation bias).  This happens with EVERYONE!  

This can change only if we do a few things:  First, we need to acknowledge and accept that we have biases.  We need to be openly admit these to ourselves.  Second, we need to willingly look at all the evidence and use our OWN critical thinking skills.  Decisions need to be made based on evidence (not only the evidence you want to look at - that's confirmation bias).  This is not easy because your biases will get in the way.  We expect others to be emphatic  to understand us, our points of view, and accept our values and beliefs but we often don’t practice empathy to others. 

Remember that empathy is NOT feeling what another person feels it is UNDERSTANDING the other person’s emotions, experiences, situations…  It does not mean that you have to agree with the person but that you understand why they believe what they believe and feel what they feel.  When you have empathy you don’t try to change another person’s belief to your belief.  You don’t judge others because empathy is the antidote to bias, bigotry, and bullying!

When people become aware (conscious) of the potential for prejudice, they often attempt to correct for it and are less likely to exhibit bias behaviors (overt and covert).  Nevertheless, just understanding implicit bias and confirmation bias is not enough.  Actions, with the intent to do better, must occur on a daily basis.

Please watch the final video of Oprah speaking about Maya Angelou words “when you know better, you do better.”  (If you have not watched any of the other videos than please watch this one.)

Lessons Oprah learned from Maya Angelou

Why we should NOT follow the Golden Rule!

* Note: this was posted in Fall 2016 but necessary to re-share today~

I have been reading and hearing from Trump supporters "What are you so afraid of?  We already had racism, hate, rape...."  Ummm Society is aware that the world was NOT safe but this point of view is very egocentric.   People are afraid not because they fear these things but because the accepted Political Correct etiquette is now gone because Americans have a role model who is NOT Politically Correct.  I have been hearing how refreshing to listen to Trump because he is real and honest with his thoughts and feelings and people are too sensitive about "offending" others so they are glad to get rid of this Political Correct etiquette.  What people don't understand is that being PC is actually just being respectful.  By saying "Happy Holidays" instead of Merry Christmas to people is respecting that the other person may not be Christian and you are accepting that they might not share your religion.  Being PC means that you don't push your views on another person because the other person has a different experience than you do and you shouldn't assume we all experience life the same way.   I am also hearing people say that they are bringing Christian values back like the Gold Rule.  Well, that isn't the right answer either...

We need to stop teaching our children the Golden Rule.  Yep, that’s right!  We are teaching our children to do unto others as they themselves want done unto.  The concept sounds great.  If we want to be treated with respect we treat others with respects.  But if we actually follow this rule it means to treat others exactly how WE want to be treated.  So, if I like being touched and appreciate being hugged I should touch and hug others.  What if they don’t want to be touched and hugged?  Then what?  If you are the type of person that wants to be left alone when hurting and leave others alone when they are hurting you may lose friends.  Some people may want you to do everything in your power to let them know you care and you are there.  So treat others how THEY want to be treated.  

The Golden Rule is essentially a person being egocentric.  This is actually a type of cognitive bias, false-consensus effect to be exact.  We have a tendency to overestimate how much other people have the same values, opinions, beliefs, and preferences.  Yes, people can have a lot in common but we should NOT assume that we have everything in common.

If we are not teaching our children the Golden Rule, what should we be teaching them?  We need to teach empathy.  Empathy is being able to understand the perspectives of other people.  So instead of treating others how WE want to be treated, we need to treat others how THEY want to be treated!  This is referred to as the Platinum Rule.

Stop the shaming: why ceremonies and graduations need to change

It is that time of year again & I am sharing this post because it is vital for these ceremonies to change!  I know some are worse than others.  It was originally written & published years ago after sitting for over 3 hours at my son's 8th-grade graduation where only a very select group of students were praised. Sadly, it still holds true today.  Thanks so much for taking time to read this - if there are any grammar errors please forgive them (editing is not my strength).

The end of the school year brings with it many award ceremonies and graduations.  As an inclusionist, I am not fond of these event!!  Many (although not all) of these events are designed to exclude and shame students into what our society considers acceptable behaviors and standards of success.  True, students who achieve should be rewarded and acknowledged; heck, almost all students want to be acknowledged.  I think all students who attend the ceremony should receive an award.  This does NOT mean I believe we should give all students an award, what it means is that only those students who are receiving awards should be required to attend the ceremony.    Students who are subjected to sit through a 1-3 hour long awards ceremony or graduation and not receive one accolade are not being motivated to become a better student or athlete. 

Often a reason given as to why students should be acknowledged for their hard work and effort in front of their nonperforming peers is because this motivates students to work harder.   Really?  Students getting good grades, high test scores, or achieving athletic success are not necessarily the ones putting forth the most effort.   We are doing our students a disservice by only shining a light on achievements and failing to embrace diversity. 

Schools often report they are sensitive to diversity yet they only mean race, gender, and ethnicity.  What about the diversity of learning?   Some students will work exceptionally hard and only earn C’s while for other students learning is easy, therefore they earn A’s.  Yes, the “C” student could have all A’s too but it is up to the teachers to educate this student appropriately (this is their educational right – to receive a free and appropriate education).  I heard a teacher recently state in her speech about the academic award recipient; “she is so easy to teach... students like her are the reason why people get into teaching.”   My heart sank, of course, this student is easy to teach. This student doesn’t have a learning disability causing struggles with reading, math, or writing.   The message was loud and clear, teachers don’t get into teaching to have challenging students they get into it so they can reap the rewards of a student who excels easily.  Okay, to be fair, that may not have been the speakers intended message but it sure could be interpreted that way.

Sports are another example of how school exclude and shame students.  A few weeks ago I wrote details about this topic in my "Lessons from The Breakfast Club"  post.  Not all students have the ability or talent to play sports although some may have the desire.  When schools put talented athletes on a pedestal and worship these students they are sending a message to other students that in order to be successful you must be athletically talented.  If you don’t believe this then look at our society as a whole; how much does a professional athlete get paid compared to a teacher. 

Sometimes schools try to pretend that they are including all students by having “student of the year” or “star student” awards.  This is not true inclusion.  You are kidding yourself if you think that each and every student had an equal chance to earn one of these awards.  Did the staff really consider the student with severe ADHD who has difficulty with impulse control?  How about the student who has Asperger’s and is struggling with learning social skills or is awkward?  I bet the student who was bullied so severely he became depressed and withdrawn wasn’t given a second thought.  Students who are challenging or have challenges are not often picked for these awards.   So, face it, this is not true inclusion; it is a facade.  Also, be careful of another facade - when the obviously disabled student gets an award just so the school can say ...  "look at us, aren't we amazing, we just honored a student who has a major disability..."  Umm this isn't genuine & only done for the thrill of inspiration porn.  This is NOT okay either. 

So, here is my proposal to all school districts across the country.  Over the summer decide what you consider the values we should be instilling in our children.   Take a good hard look at the way you are rewarding students.  Do you make the students with good grades stand-up in front of their non-achieving peers and tell these peers that they too can have these honors and rewards if they only tried hard enough?  Do you have ceremonies where everyone is invited but only a few get rewarded?  Do you give out student of the year awards, if so - really look to see if all students have equal opportunity for these awards?  Learn about confirmation bias (you like someone so you see most things they do in a positive light – you dislike someone so you see most things they do in a negative light).  Once you fully understand confirmation bias go back over and answer the last question: Do all students have an equal chance of winning “student of the year” or “star student?”  Now, relearn confirmation bias again and repeat the last question one final time.  If you still believe that all students have an equal chance than you don’t understand confirmation bias.    

Am I saying that there should be no more award ceremonies and graduations?  No, I am not saying this at all.  Go ahead and have these events but only require the students receiving awards to attend and if anyone else wants to attend they can make that choice but do not force students to attend hour long ceremonies/graduations where EVERYONE ELSE gets rewarded and praised.  Graduation ceremonies can be wonderful celebrations when focused on all students.  Call each student up and reward them with their certificate (don't just call their name as they walk in & go to a seat with their "graduation award" is sitting on the chair), if they received other awards announce them at that time – this way each and every student gets the opportunity to walk across the stage (front of a room) and be recognized.  Remember that almost everyone wants to be acknowledged and accepted.  Schools should focus on inclusion and quit reinforcing a “haves versus have-nots” climate.  Now is the time for change and acceptance.  Just because the ceremonies and graduations have always been done a specific way does NOT mean they must continue that way.  Remember we were once a nation where: slavery existed, women were not allowed to vote, and racial segregation was acceptable.  We now know better so we should do better.   We need to embrace the diversity that each and every student has and acknowledge their strengths instead of measuring them as successful under one specific set of standards.      

(Here's another post about shaming- Stop the Shaming Pt. 2) 

10 Spiritual Resolutions for a better 2017 on Spiritual Sunday

Spiritual Sunday:

The New Year has begun.  Have you made a list of your spiritual resolutions?  Often we make resolutions that are based on material things or changing ourselves physically here’s a list to help you get started on making your own Spiritual Resolutions!

1.   Make a special place in your home for your own spiritual retreat.  This can be a special chair or a corner of a room.  A place where you go to just relax and get into touch with yourself.  A place to develop mindfulness and let go of all your stress.

2.   Practice Mindfulness on a daily basis.  Mindfulness is more than meditation.  Mindfulness is getting into touch with the inner you: your body, mind, emotions, and soul.  Stop what you are doing a few times a day and reflect on what you are thinking, how you feel, and what is going on in your life.

3.   Make a gratitude journal and put notes of gratitude in it every day!  If you like writing then you can make a journal using a notebook or just notebook paper (it doesn’t have to be fancy but if you want it to then go ahead).  If you prefer to use the computer then type out your gratitude in a word document each day and save it in a file folder.  For those of you who don’t like to type or write you can use your phone and make notes into it each day voice texting.  You can use an app like Color Notes, Evernotes, or any that work for you. 

4.   Pay it forward.  Once a day do something where you pay it forward.  Pay for the person’s order behind you in the drive-thru, drop off flowers or treats at a nursing home or hospital, or let someone go ahead of you in a long line. 

5.   Clean up your house and closets and donate items that are in very good condition.  If you have not used/worn the item in the past year then it needs to go! 

6.   Appreciate the service of others!  Give an extra large tip with a quick note saying “Thanks for all you do!” 

7.   Make a dream journal (see #3 on different ways to do this).  We get to really understand ourselves, fears, and desires if we take some time to review our own dreams.

8.   Be open about your challenges, obstacles, and disability.  Sharing these will help others be comforted, know they are not alone, and give them strength.  Others will see that you are a survivor.  Sharing is not about venting or “woe is me” talk; it is being open without shame. 

9.   Find a motivational Mantra and recite it daily.  This can be a spiritual scripture or even a quote from a movie but something you can say to yourself when times are tough and you are losing strength.

10.  Finally, practice empathy!  Remember the Platinum Rule!

Empathy is the Key!!

Empathy is being able to see another person’s point of view even if you have no specific frame of reference or similar experience.  Unfortunately, most people do not have empathy because they just cannot put themselves in another person’s shoes unless they have direct experience.  A great example of this is when Senator Rob Portman reversed his stance on gay marriage after learning about his own son being gay.  Geez, only when his own life was affected by the ban on gay marriages did he see the light and understand.  The world would be a much better place if everyone focused on empathy instead of their own egocentric point of view. 

Empathy is being conscious and fully aware of the experiences of others!  Here are some ways you can step outside of your own frame of reference and become more empathetic:

• Truly listen to what another person is saying – listening is not waiting for your turn to talk and tell your own opinion/story/experience.  Listening is also not making judgments.

•  Really think about your advice before you offer it to someone.  Your own advice is much more about what YOU would do in situation. 

•  In fact, do not give advice or opinions unless the person directly asks for this information.  Your advice and opinions are about YOU not the other person.  It also demonstrates that you are NOT really listening. 

•  When creating things such as presentations, papers, books, movies… you must really understand your target audience.  You must be able to put yourself in their shoes and view the experience through their eyes if you hope to make a difference. 

• When experiencing an event such as a movie, play, sporting event… think about it from many different perspectives.  Think about the perspective of a variety of people (blind, deaf, specific race or ethnicity, physically handicapped, dyslexic, ADHD, homosexual, old, young…).  What might they think and feel?  By being open to other perspectives you become less egocentric. 

As a Dyslexic Dragonfly I am a very slow reader but I love to escape in books via audiobooks (ear-reading).  One of my favorite quotes from C.S. Lewis is:  “My own eyes are not enough for me, I will see through the eyes of others.”   So remember to take some time to think outside of yourself today to help make the world a better place.  Let the focus be on empathy!  

The Power of Outrospection and Importance of Empathy

I have worked hard to help the world understand Empathy here is a great video that can help you learn more about what I mean every time I stress the importance of Empathy.  We need to teach children how to become more Emphatic.  Every school should have Empathy as a goal for their students! We need to practice empathy on a daily basis!  

Here's the direct link if needed: RSA Animate-The Power of Outrospection 

Do you have empathy? Toolkit Tuesday

Here's a quick question to check your empathy: when driving and a driver in front of you is going slow or a driver behind you is too close do you think "what a jerk?" To practice empathy you should try to put yourself in the other driver's shoes and try to figure out why they are doing what they are doing.  Maybe they are driving slow because they are lost, scared, or are transporting something that will spill or break.  If they are driving fast maybe the are late somewhere,  rushing to the hospital,  or they need to go to the bathroom.   Think about times when you drove fast or slow- that driver could be you!

Spiritual Sunday- How to show love

Take some time today to show your love to others.  We sometimes get caught up in our own lives that we forget to show others in our lives that we love them.  This is not showing them in ways that you would want someone to show you love - that's the Golden Rule.  If you are a follower you know that I don't agree with the Golden Rule, instead we need to practice the Platinum Rule (Why We Should NOT follow the Golden Rule).  

Today, pay attention to what the other person wants and treat them how THEY want to be treated.  If you are not sure how that person defines love then watch how they treat others (or you).  If they listen to you intently then they perceive this as a loving act so you should listen to them intently.  If they want to spend time with the people they love then that is how they will feel loved.  

The key is to focus on the other person's needs from the other person's perspective - NOT your perspective!  Think about what this cartoon shows:

This is not a sign of love but a sign of egocentric thinking.  

So, today, please focus on the needs of someone else as a sign of love but do not do it with the expectation of getting something in return.  Show love to just show love and no other reason.  It will make your life better!

Here's one of my favorite quotes!  Everyone deserves to love and be loved.  Have a great Sunday my Dragonfly Friends!

Spiritual Sunday - forgiveness!

We all make mistakes and bad choices at times in our lives. Sometimes we know that the choices are bad but sometimes we think we are doing the right thing only to discover later it was a terrible idea.  Of course, the realization that it was a bad decision is only after it has been made so the damage is already done.  

What we have to remember is we cannot beat ourselves up because of the mistakes we make.  We must remember this is life and a part of the learning process.  

So here's a message you need to say to yourself - "I forgive you, (state your name here), I believe in you and know that you will make better choices and decisions when you know better and the best way to know better is to learn from the mistakes you are making.  Life is about learning and growing so remember you are becoming better with each mistake you make."   

Motivational Monday for introverts and extroverts

Some Dragonflies are extroverted and have no problem advocating for themselves and others.  These Dragonflies are not shy and often the ones that we hear about in the media for "overcoming" their "disability."  But there are just as many great introverted Dragonflies~  the ones we don't hear about but are valuable and important.  Sometimes these introverted Dragonflies get overlooked for their accomplishments and skills they have to offer the world.  We need to embrace all types of Dragonflies - extroverted and introverted!  The extroverted Dragonflies need to speak up for their introverted Dragonfly peers.  Some of us are called - Ambivert which means we are a good balance of both.

Not sure what you are? - Take the assessment on Daniel Pink's website (btw- he is someone you should know!): http://www.danpink.com/assessment

Now watch this fun 2 minute video to stress this point! 

The Power of Quiet

Spiritual Sunday Importance of thinking of others

I am re-sharing this from Feb. 2, 2014 today because I'm shocked at the way some people are treating others.  I've been tempted to make a picture quote saying something like this: "I have no idea what 'life rule' you are following because it can't be the 'Golden Rule' because I'm sure you don't want me treating you as badly as you are treating me.  I'm also sure it can't be the 'Platinum Rule' because I surely don't want to be treated like this.  So since you are treating me so poorly all I can do is be glad that I believe in the 'Karma Rule."  I have not made the pic quote yet because I want to get the right words down & I need to let go of some of the anger.  It makes me angry when I'm treated disrespectfully by someone because I have integrity & I was raised to be respectful.  Obviously, the person who is treating me this way needs some serious help and must have some serious issues!  So here's a re-post of a thinking of others!  Have a great Sunday! 

Do you think of others or are you self-absorbed?  Do you think about how your actions impact the lives and feelings of others? Many people don't.  Many people are so caught up in themselves that they have a narrow and ego-eccentric view of the world and perception that others think and feel what they are feeling.

This kinda relates to what we call in psychology as-- the false-consensus effect or false-consensus bias.  This is when people over-estimate how many people are like them- an assumption that others have the same thoughts, beliefs, values, and experiences.  

We have to remember that everyone has their own frame of reference (personal experiences) that influence their perceptions on events.  If we assume that people are experiencing and event the same way we are then we most likely are wrong.  Yes, sometimes we do have shared similar experiences but most of the time we do not because we are all individuals.  Remember it is more important to follow the Platinum Rule & not the Golden Rule!

Today, when you are with others and they are talking to you about things think about what kind of perception the other people may be having instead of just thinking about how you are perceiving the experience.    

We need to think outside of our perceptions.  Similar to the exercise for "Thinking outside of the box" do this today: 

1.   Know you own perceptions of the world  (beliefs, values, experiences...)
2.   Embrace your perceptions (this is self-acceptance)
3.   Push outside of your perceptions and think about what it is like for the other person!
4.   Practice seeing the perceptions of others so that you can have more empathy and compassion (this needs practice because we revert back to ego-eccentric thinking until we are fluent in this skill)

What are movie theaters doing for people with disabilities?

Super excited that the new WOLVERINE movie is coming out this Friday.  I am so thrilled that I will be going to the first showing on Thursday night!  Yep, I am that kinda Dragonfly!  I love going to the movies! As an empathetic person I often think about the movie theater experiences of people with different types of disabilities.  I love that there are open areas where people in wheelchairs can sit next to their friends, although I honestly don't know from the perspective of a person in a wheelchair if these areas are really wheelchair friendly.  I do often think about my Dragonfly friends with sensory issues, impulsivity, deaf/hearing impaired, or who are blind/visually impaired.  

Here are some things you should know:

AMC has Sensory Friendly Films that are conducive to people with Autism, sensory issues, and their families.  Here's the link so you can check out times and locations in your area:  

AMC Sensory Friendly Films

AMC is also sponsoring special summer movies for only $3.00 where some of the proceeds go to the Autism Society - Check out to see where and when in your community:  Autism Society & AMC events.

It appears that AMC Theaters cares about people with disabilities. The company has what is called the Focus Program that hires people with disabilities to work at the theater.  I tried to link the video here so you can watch but I am computer challenged at times so here's the direct link to watch this heartwarming video of this program. AMC Focus Program.

Although these are great things AMC is doing, their employees need some empathy training (heck, I want to have empathy training programs in all schools & companies).  Recently a young couple with down syndrome was treated poorly by staff at an AMC here's the news video:

Couple with Down Syndrome Mistreated at AMC Movie Theater

Regal Movie Theater appears to be getting ahead of the other theaters when it comes to providing access to movies for the deaf/hard of hearing and visually impaired.  

Check out these cool glasses: 

 Regal Access - Glasses with Open Captions

Although I hear from some of my Dragonfly friends that they don't like the glasses and I understand that because I dislike going to 3D movies because I don't like the glasses.  I would be fine if the movie displayed open captions right on the screen.  I often have the captions on at home.    

  

Just because YOU don't have a specific disability does not mean you can't advocate so everyone can enjoy the movie theater experience!   

Here's something you can do: A bill was introduced in March (S.555-Cinema Act) to make it a discriminatory practice to not provide movie access to people with visual and hearing disabilities.  Go here for more info: Senate Bill 555  

Bias opinions and jury verdicts

This post is NOT about trying to prove the jury in the Trayvon Martin George Zimmerman case was right or wrong in the decision they made; it is about being open to critical thinking, bias thinking, and how our own experiences can taint our perceptions.  A while back I posted about confirmation bias and implicit bias (We all have bias opinions).  These are VERY important concepts to understand and I fear that they are not appreciated by most people in our country (I am focused on the United States because that is my frame of reference). 

Over the last few weeks I have heard and read many comments how this case is/should be/shouldn’t be… about race.  This case is NOT about race, it is about bias and prejudice and one of these areas of bias happens to be racial.  Racial profiling exists everywhere, you cannot change that fact.  I find it very frustrating when I hear (or read) a comment from a person how they are “color blind.”  This is impossible, no one can be color blind.  This is how we label and judge people; it can be overt or covert.  You are often unaware of the biases you have but they ARE there!  It is human nature and I encourage everyone to take the Harvard Implicit Bias Test (Harvard Implicit Bias Test) and you will see that it does exist!  Bias and prejudice exists in all people: toward all races, genders, ages, and even people with disabilities. 

The characters of the people involved in this case, Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman were discussed by the attorneys and the media.  Sadly, each side used confirmation bias to prove their points often painting a picture of what they wanted the women on the jury to perceive about each person.  This is another way to continue the bias perceptions and beliefs.  For example, Trayvon was portrayed as a criminal with a history of deviant behaviors and drug use.  What was not mentioned is how he only had the developmental level of his teenage brain and his previous life experiences as a young black male.  I have written about the teenage brain before and how this brain is cognitively different and not as mature as the adult brain (Understanding the teenage brain what you need to know and How the brain works).  This is important to understand.  It is also important to understand that white entitlement exist (here’s a great blog piece that explains this: white-privilege) and African Americans are still treated differently. 

Here’s a video clip from Michael Moore’s movie “Bowling for Columbine” about the History of America (yep, I’m aware of my confirmation bias here folks): A Brief History of the USA Bowling for Columbine.

Okay, see there really is a long history of bias and prejudice – this was only a few examples and sometimes our own history books are based on white perception, but that is a whole different post I will write in the future.

The point I am trying to make here is that no matter who we are or our personal experiences our thoughts and opinions are tainted.  We MUST work to fight against our initial reactions and look beyond our biases (we must first acknowledge that we have them too).  We must work hard to become empathic and see the full picture.  One of the movies I suggested parents watch with their kids this summer is “12 Angry Men” (Must See Movie - 12 Angry Men).   

Here’s a great clip from the movie that makes a great point.  I again recommend this movie to watch with your children, especially now.

12 Angry Men - This is how you deal with prejudice

So with all this information what should we do?  WE NEED TO STAND UP FOR CHANGE!  The jury has spoken.  You may or may not believe justice was served but we must move on from here. We must acknowledge that we do discriminate and only focus on the things that validate our beliefs while ignoring things that go against these beliefs (confirmation bias).  We must stand up against prejudice and bias. Accept that we have implicit biases, because we ALL do.  We must question our own opinions and test out if we would feel the same way if the people were of different races, genders, ages…  Then we must ask ourselves if we are being truthful or is it just more confirmation bias.  

We must make laws that make sense.  We need to be a more UNITED America not divided state by state when it comes to laws.  We need to hold the law makers accountable for their own biases and prejudices.  I have sadly seen too many politicians not understand how their own experiences taint their decisions.  What often happens is a politician has a strong opinion about a matter until it directly affects their own life (gay marriage, dyslexia bills, gun laws…).  Why are we not teaching and practicing empathy?  Why must we be so self-absorbed and egocentric?  Open up your eyes, ears, and heart so you can be a person who makes these changes.  This isn’t about being a specific political party it is about being an empathetic human being. 

Please do NOT use my blog post for your own confirmation bias to attack or defend your own beliefs and opinions as to the verdict.  This post is to help you have empathy, open your mind to the other person’s perspective, understand what it is like to really be in someone else’s shoes, and unite together to make appropriate changes to our laws so this tragic can NEVER happens again.  If you want to help others, than share this blog to spread empathy to others.   

 

Child Abuse Prevention: Verbal abuse

Being a parent is very challenging!  Children do not come with instruction booklets or how-to-guides.  When you are raising a child that has a disability such as ADHD, dyslexia, or Asperger’s it can be ever more challenging causing exhaustion, frustration, and feelings of being overwhelmed.  It is very easy for us to let these negative emotions escape at the wrong time and toward our children.   April is Child Abuse Prevention Month and a good time to reflect on your own parenting skills.  Are you a yeller?  Do you verbally attack when your expectations are not met (see March 13^th post for details on this Advice on expectations)  Do you use your tone and body language to intimidate and make sure others know you are upset and displeased with them?  Do you attack with your words to hurt or harm your children?  Do you try to shame them into behaving or degrade them when they do not follow your rules?  If you answer yes to any of these, you may need to read Pam Leo’s book “Connection Parenting: Parenting through Connection instead of Coercion, Through Love instead of Fear.”  Pam contends the most important thing a child needs is to have a strong emotional bond with at least one adult.  Parents need to understand that children will be more successful and compliant when they are emotionally healthy than when they are emotionally damaged.  

Words from Parents and Dragonflies Wednesdays

 We know that our child is different; you do not need to point out how different or awkward she is compared to her peers, especially normal peers.  Do you think we are not aware of this?  Do you think that by pointing it out you will be doing us a favor?  Well, it hurts.  If you must share something do so tactfully. 

No parent wants their child to have a disability, to be excluded, or feel different.