Be uniquely you!

Today is a day to be strong!  Look at yourself and appreciate all your wonderful qualities!  If you are saying "What wonderful qualities?  I don't have any wonderful qualities."  Then tell yourself to stop it!  Stop putting yourself down because you do have wonderful qualities.  You are an individual.  You are unique.  Take some time today focusing on all the things that make you - uniquely you!  

Sure some of these things will be external but I want you to look deeper - dig deeper!  You have distinct ways you perceive the world, you have your own feelings & experiences, and you have exceptional gifts and talents. Don't allow yourself to say things like - "But others do better than me in ...."  This is wrong because you are comparing yourself to someone else - be your unique self!   

Embrace yourself!  Love yourself!  Enjoy what you have to offer this world!  Finally, don't hide yourself but live your life being uniquely you!

What the brain looks like for ADHD, OCD, PTSD & DEPRESSION

So sad that people just don't understand that the brain is connected to all these things - ADHD, OCD, PTSD, DEPRESSION, & even ANXIETY.  Many people think that it is made up and we don't have a disability.  There is actually a problem in the brain.  Yes, we can make changes to the brain through our thoughts and learning ways to control our bodies reactions but it take a lot of time and practice.    

10 Spiritual Resolutions for a better 2017 on Spiritual Sunday

Spiritual Sunday:

The New Year has begun.  Have you made a list of your spiritual resolutions?  Often we make resolutions that are based on material things or changing ourselves physically here’s a list to help you get started on making your own Spiritual Resolutions!

1.   Make a special place in your home for your own spiritual retreat.  This can be a special chair or a corner of a room.  A place where you go to just relax and get into touch with yourself.  A place to develop mindfulness and let go of all your stress.

2.   Practice Mindfulness on a daily basis.  Mindfulness is more than meditation.  Mindfulness is getting into touch with the inner you: your body, mind, emotions, and soul.  Stop what you are doing a few times a day and reflect on what you are thinking, how you feel, and what is going on in your life.

3.   Make a gratitude journal and put notes of gratitude in it every day!  If you like writing then you can make a journal using a notebook or just notebook paper (it doesn’t have to be fancy but if you want it to then go ahead).  If you prefer to use the computer then type out your gratitude in a word document each day and save it in a file folder.  For those of you who don’t like to type or write you can use your phone and make notes into it each day voice texting.  You can use an app like Color Notes, Evernotes, or any that work for you. 

4.   Pay it forward.  Once a day do something where you pay it forward.  Pay for the person’s order behind you in the drive-thru, drop off flowers or treats at a nursing home or hospital, or let someone go ahead of you in a long line. 

5.   Clean up your house and closets and donate items that are in very good condition.  If you have not used/worn the item in the past year then it needs to go! 

6.   Appreciate the service of others!  Give an extra large tip with a quick note saying “Thanks for all you do!” 

7.   Make a dream journal (see #3 on different ways to do this).  We get to really understand ourselves, fears, and desires if we take some time to review our own dreams.

8.   Be open about your challenges, obstacles, and disability.  Sharing these will help others be comforted, know they are not alone, and give them strength.  Others will see that you are a survivor.  Sharing is not about venting or “woe is me” talk; it is being open without shame. 

9.   Find a motivational Mantra and recite it daily.  This can be a spiritual scripture or even a quote from a movie but something you can say to yourself when times are tough and you are losing strength.

10.  Finally, practice empathy!  Remember the Platinum Rule!

My story is not ending - Project Semicolon & my tattoo

I know that tattoos are not for everyone but I have wanted one for a while & yesterday I finally got my tattoo.  I am thrilled to finally get this tattoo because it has so much meaning for me!  

I have shared openly about my disabilities in a past post- Who I Am. BTW, I am not ashamed to use the word 'disability' because to not use the word disability I would be denying the problems I experience with depression, anxiety, dyslexia, dysgraphia, & ADD.  Here's a better post on Why it is better to use the word disability instead of difference.  Society needs to stop making it shameful to use the words disability & mental illness!  

This is why my tattoo is so important to me!  I got my tattoo to own my struggles with depression & anxiety.  I also want to openly show my support for others who have these battles. Being open will hopefully reduce the shame & stigma around mental illnesses.  As a therapist people often think that we are the ones that have it all together and never experience depression & anxiety but that is not true. The professions of psychology & counseling often have some of the highest suicide rates.  I believe one of the reasons is because we are told it is not okay to disclose our own challenges.  Well, I am for full disclosure & I am open with my clients - I let them know that I have these as well & I can assure them that life is worth living when we have support & learn to accept exactly who we are.  

So, let me explain my tattoo to you!  This tattoo is my Dragonfly Forest (visit my FB page at The Dragonfly Forest & my private therapy practice FB page at Forest Alliance Coaching).  For those of you who don't know my married name is LAM and it means Forest in Chinese - these are the Chinese Characters for Lam/Forest. The Forest (woods) is also my escape & the place I go for inner salvation. The Dragonfly is the symbol of who I am & I'm proud to be a unique amazing Dragonfly!  The body of my Dragonfly is a Semicolon.  It is to represent that my story isn't over! It stems from Project Semicolon.  Project Semicolon is a nonprofit movement started by Amy Bleuel to honor her father, who took his own life.  It is to bring awareness & shame reduction to those who battle depression, suicide, addiction, anxiety, & other mental illnesses.  Here's the reason a semicolon is used - "A semicolon is used with an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to.  The author is you, and the sentence is your life." 

My goal is to continue to openly discuss the topics that people would rather keep hidden - learning disabilities & mental illnesses. We have nothing to be ashamed of because we have more battles to fight than others. We will have less battles to fight when there is no longer discrimination and negative stigmas about having a disability and/or mental illness.  

Be strong & Be proud!  

(Image description: photo of my left arm wearing a heart linked gold & silver watch & a bracelet that says "Just Keep Going" and my tattoo of a dragonfly with a semicolon body & the Chinese Character for Lam (my last name) which means Forest. On the right side of the picture is my own quote "Be a warrior! Be a survivor! Just keep going! Don't let your story end! Proud to be a Dragonfly!")

Empathy is the Key!!

Empathy is being able to see another person’s point of view even if you have no specific frame of reference or similar experience.  Unfortunately, most people do not have empathy because they just cannot put themselves in another person’s shoes unless they have direct experience.  A great example of this is when Senator Rob Portman reversed his stance on gay marriage after learning about his own son being gay.  Geez, only when his own life was affected by the ban on gay marriages did he see the light and understand.  The world would be a much better place if everyone focused on empathy instead of their own egocentric point of view. 

Empathy is being conscious and fully aware of the experiences of others!  Here are some ways you can step outside of your own frame of reference and become more empathetic:

• Truly listen to what another person is saying – listening is not waiting for your turn to talk and tell your own opinion/story/experience.  Listening is also not making judgments.

•  Really think about your advice before you offer it to someone.  Your own advice is much more about what YOU would do in situation. 

•  In fact, do not give advice or opinions unless the person directly asks for this information.  Your advice and opinions are about YOU not the other person.  It also demonstrates that you are NOT really listening. 

•  When creating things such as presentations, papers, books, movies… you must really understand your target audience.  You must be able to put yourself in their shoes and view the experience through their eyes if you hope to make a difference. 

• When experiencing an event such as a movie, play, sporting event… think about it from many different perspectives.  Think about the perspective of a variety of people (blind, deaf, specific race or ethnicity, physically handicapped, dyslexic, ADHD, homosexual, old, young…).  What might they think and feel?  By being open to other perspectives you become less egocentric. 

As a Dyslexic Dragonfly I am a very slow reader but I love to escape in books via audiobooks (ear-reading).  One of my favorite quotes from C.S. Lewis is:  “My own eyes are not enough for me, I will see through the eyes of others.”   So remember to take some time to think outside of yourself today to help make the world a better place.  Let the focus be on empathy!  

7 things to do for a positive 2017

2016 is now over and it is time to reflect back on the year... 

1.)  Overall did you have a good year?  

2.)  Would you do it all the same if you could do it over?

3.) Did you answer no to either of the top two questions?  

If so then you need to really think about what you need to change in yourself, attitude, beliefs, environment, situation.... for 2017.

You need to look at the lessons you have learned over the last year and how to work not repeating any mistakes.  We all make mistakes.  In fact, mistakes are great, they help us learn who we really are and what we really like and dislike.  We learn more from the mistakes we make than the things we do right.  

So here's what you can do to prepare for the next year:

1.) Appreciate all the mistakes you have made over the last year because these things taught you a lot about yourself and the world around you.

2.) Focus not on the negative things that happened to you but the positive things that occurred - this includes our lessons learned.  

3.) Focus on the positive things you want to bring into your life in the year 2017.  Write down a list of these positive things you want in your life.  Remember what we focus on we expand.

4.) Don't make a list of resolutions such as, "I will lose 10 pounds."  Instead make a list of aspects of life you want to  improve in yourself - "I will be loving to others,"  "I will accept myself for who I am," and "I will focus on the positive."  

5.) Remember when you focus on the negative or stress over things that are happening in your life you are bringing in negative energy.  Negative begets negative and no one deserves to live a negative life (if you just thought of someone you think deserves a negative life than you just brought negative energy on yourself - not the other person - you are only harming yourself!).

6.) Let go of expectations.  You will not have a perfect life - shit happens all the time.  If you expect things to be a certain way you will become disappointed and this is negative energy.  Don't expect things to go wrong but don't expect them to be perfect either.  Just enjoy the moments as they are occurring.  So what the dog just pooped in the closet -clean it up and move on- don't let it ruin your whole day.  So what you were late to the meeting - let it go - you finally got there right?  If others are upset with you because you are late that's their negative energy don't allow it to make you negative.  Don't allow another person's negative energy to make you have negative self-talk.  

7.) Finally, want to know how to stop that negative self-talk?  We all do it from time to time and some do it more than others so here's how to stop it from controlling you.   Every time you catch yourself having negative self-talk fight back.  Yep, fight back - argue back with yourself!  Shout it out loud if you have to - say the opposite the negative self-talk is saying.   For example, if the negative self-talk is saying that you are "no good and worthless" than fight back by strongly saying "Heck no, I am good and I do have worth."  You may not believe it at first but don't stop because eventually you will change that negative self-talk! 

So take some time to reflect over the last year and make positive plans for 2017!  

Why are students failing if schools are required to provide a free and appropriate education?

I continue to struggle with the concept of allowing students to FAIL, especially students with disabilities. What I mean by fail is - failing to be taught, the student failing to learn, failing grades, failing to protect a student's self-esteem,  failing appropriate educational strategies/curriculum...  Parents should not have to be paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for outside tutoring (this is very true - I have proof if people don't believe this).

I do NOT understand how people who work with students do not know what a 'free and appropriate education' means. I don't understand how educators and coaches can shame and blame children.  I was in a meeting once trying to explain what it is like to live in the learning disabled student's shoes (and parent's shoes) to educators.  They became very defensive claiming that they fully understand and took offense to my comments because this is what they do for a living.  

Well, I take offense to educators blaming and shaming students. When an educator puts in writing that a student with learning disabilities is "unmotivated" and "unwilling" that is proof these educators lack empathy and have no idea how hard it is for a student with disabilities to learn in a classroom setting where their limitations are ignored.   Yes, it can be frustrating for a teacher to have to explain the directions to a student 20 times, but if that is what is needed for the student to understand, then that is what they need to do. 

A 'free and appropriate education' (FAPE) means that every student who qualifies as a student with disabilities, regardless of the nature or severity of their disability, should be taught. Allowing a student to fail is not teaching them.  I have seen high schoolers who read at elementary school levels.  This is evidence that the school did not provide the student FAPE, especially if they did not qualify the student as a student with a disability.  I have evaluated some high school and college-aged students who had deficient reading skills that were never evaluated for a disability.  How could teachers, year after year, fail to teach these students to read?  Why were they passing a student who could not read (or write in some cases)?   Not one teacher or other educator noticed this child was struggling with academic skills?  If the student received any kind of support from the school, then that is enough evidence to think there might be a disability and therefore the school is legally required by law to evaluate that student to determine if the student does have a disability (Child Find Law).  Some students are not assessed because educators blame the student or parents for the child not learning.  

If the student is evaluated, often the student is not found eligible for special education services that will allow the student to receive specialized services to help them learn.  Again, the student and/or parents may be blamed. Also, students don't qualify because schools do not adequately acknowledge hidden disabilities and some outright ignore hidden disabilities.  A child doesn't have to have a severe discrepancy in scores to be eligible as a student with a disability. Yet, when the student doesn't have a discrepancy, the district uses this as proof the student doesn't need specialized educational support and therefore it is the student's fault.  Parents are then left to pay for outside tutoring and educational support while the student is left feeling helpless and stupid.  School districts are then creating a more significant problem - student Learned Helplessness (this post is critical to understand). 

If school districts really did care about making sure all students were educated, then they would not allow teachers to fail students.  Administrators would tell teachers that they MUST make sure the student is learning the curriculum - this means all students not just the ones that are easy to teach.  This means the students that are difficult to teach.  The ones who have difficulty staying focused in class, the ones who cannot read at grade level, the ones who cannot spell or write, the ones who have anxiety and therefore do not willingly participate.  

Students do not have the brain maturity to make adult decisions, so adults need to help guide them- no matter how long it takes.  Students do NOT want to fail but some students would rather people think they are 'lazy' and that is the reason they are failing because it is too painful to fail after putting in the effort (these students have spent years putting in effort & getting poor results). 

Students are not "unwilling" they are actually unable.  Students are not "unmotivated" they lack the skills necessary to do the work, so they are lost.  I just heard a parent say to me that even if his child was offered a million dollars to do the work the child still wouldn't be able to do the work - it's just too hard.    

Don't believe me?  Orlando Bloom, who is dyslexic once shared that his mother used to try to bribe him to read.  He wanted a motorbike really bad, and she told him if he would read 50 books she would get him that motorbike.  He never got that motorbike.  

So, the bottom line is - if educators really had empathy on what it is like for the student who has a disability they would NEVER allow them to be excluded from learning.  Educators are eliminating them by not providing them with an appropriate education & accommodations.  

This picture is an example of what is not appropriate, and I know most educators would NEVER do this, but they do it every day when they allow a student to leave their classroom without fully understanding the material they are expected to learn (such as knowing how to read).  They do it when they blame the student for not being prepared, for not studying, for not passing a test... Would you blame this boy for not being able to stand with his peers on the bleachers?  Is HE "unwilling" or "unmotivated" to join the group?   

Here's a picture that really resonated with people with disabilities- they said this is exactly what it is like.  Here's the blog post to go with the picture:  Why We Should Help Students With Learning Disabilities .  If teachers had empathy then no student would ever drown!   This is unacceptable!