What you need to know about depression and suicide!

RIP Chester Bennington! UPDATE:  RIP Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain! So sad to have lost each of you!

Everyone had difficulties and challenges that need to be faced.  People should not have to face these alone but often some have no choice.  Yes, people will say "talk to me," "what's wrong," or "I'm here for you, all you have to do is ask."  Well, some of us can't ask.  Some of us know that others do not want to really hear how bad things are because there is nothing that can be done.   We have to put on a smile and make the world a better place for others and we can't share the cold hard reality of what is happening.

Sometimes we do ask and no one takes the time to listen.  We can even cry and share our pain only to have the other person minimize what we are feeling or try to sugar coat things.  Well, this only makes the person feel worse, not better.

So how do you convince someone that life is worth living?  You can't!  You can tell someone that you care and show them by listening to them unconditionally but that is only if they are willing to talk and chances are, the person may not be willing to share what exactly is going on.  Chances are no one can make things better.  Only the person who is dealing with the difficulties and challenges can actually make changes and make things better.  Often they just want to have someone listen to them, really listen with no judgment.  This is not an easy task for people to do- listen without judgment.

When a person commits suicide you often hear how shocked everyone was because the person who ended their life was always so happy and had everything going for them.  Why does this happen? This happens because no one really wants to face the reality that a person can be depressed, so depressed that they feel that life is no longer worth living.

Yes, the person thinking of suicide takes the feelings of others into consideration but what they know is that the relationship will still be there.  There will still be some good memories and the person contemplating suicide believes that they are saving their loved ones from more pain if they end their life because obviously they are such a burden, to begin with or the loved ones would listen with empathy.  People often see the "signs" of depression and suicidal ideations after the fact but these signs were there long before they just didn't care enough to notice.  Maybe that sounds cruel, to blame the ones left behind but I believe that it is the society we live in that needs to carry the blame. We live in a society where it is not okay to talk about depression and suicide.  We live in a society that shames people for being different.

If you have a friend who is depressed and shared some dark thoughts then be there for them, push them to open up and discuss their feelings and thoughts without judgment.  Help them!  Stop ignoring them and pretending that everything is okay.  If you suspect that something is wrong and ask the person how they are and they say "fine" with a smile on their face-- push harder because chances are your instincts are correct.  If you think that a person would not commit suicide because they have everything going for them, then think again, many people put on a mask every day and hide their pain. Don't accept an "I'm fine" from someone you suspect is NOT fine.  Seek them out and be there for them.  I promise you it will make a difference.  Sometimes all a person needs is to know that their life does matter.

So, here's my final word on this - there will be some people that no matter what you say or do will make the choice to no longer live in pain.  You must forgive yourself if you know that you did all you could to make a difference in their lives and prevent them from ending their own life - you did all you could do.  If you did not do all you could do.  If you were distant or avoided their dark side- all I can say is this is guilt you have to live with because people who are that depressed need support and you made the choice to not provide that support.

Take 11 minutes to listen to Kevin Breel talk about what it is like to be a person with depression and suicidal.  He could be someone you know!!!

Here's a song I sing often - from one of my favorite movies & TV shows - MASH:

I have written a few other articles about suicide and depression - check them out: My story is not over!; Henry Rollins gives-advice; Depression in school-aged children; and many others.

(Image: photo of a brown and tan dragonfly and quote from Chester Bennington (frontman for the rock band Linkin Park)- "You're constantly trying to prove yourself, even after you've made it.")

(Image: blue and black dragonfly surrounded by blades of grass that are tinted grey and a quote from Orson Scott Card's book 'Ender's Shadow'- "In my view, suicide is not really a wish for life to end.' 'What is it then?' 'It is the only way a powerless person can find to make everybody else look away from his shame. The wish is not to die, but to hide.")

Motivational Monday--MOVE ON!

Have you ever been in a situation, relationship, or a job where:
~you have felt used?
~you are drained of your energy?
~you are unappreciated?
~you are taken advantage of?
~you are ignored and/or treated in a condescending way?
~you are emotionally, verbally, or physically abused?

Let me tell you that you don't have to settle for this in your life! You need to remind yourself that you are a great person and deserve to be with people (friendships/relationships/coworkers...) that respect you, appreciate you, and willing to put energy into you too.  

STOP being with people who suck the energy and life out of you!
~~~~If you are the one that gives more than you get in a relationship than GET OUT!  

STOP trying to convince yourself that it is okay because you are strong and independent and the other people need help.
~~~~If the people you are with need so much help, support, and rescuing that you always put their needs and desires first than GET OUT!

STOP justifying the behaviors of others!  
~~~~If you  have to make excuses to yourself and/or others as to why a person is treating you bad, ignoring you, giving you a silent treatment, or just treating others poorly than GET OUT!

Life is short, my dear, so stop settling for less!  When you are sitting on your rocking chair at the end of your life you will have a lot of regrets for staying in bad relationships and bad jobs but you will not regret being with people in your life who put you first, help support you, appreciate you, and make sure you know that you have value and worth. 

Stop being in one-sided relationships with people - it's a waste of your time, energy, and talent.  If a person isn't willing to see the great things you have to offer than MOVE ON!  

(Tomorrow read- Toolkit Tuesday on HOW to move on!)

Spiritual Sunday - Wild lessons from Cheryl Strayed

My life has been full of chaos lately, hence the lack of posts! I've been caught up in the rat race and I've been stuck drowning in a river trying to get somewhere I cannot yet see. I'm so stuck that I have not be able to get out to the woods where I hike as therapy. Everyday I ache and long to escape in the woods so I love the movie "Wild" based on Cheryl Strayed's book and life.  

I love the movie (& book) because I get to live vicariously on Cheryl's journey for a few hours.  I cry, not just during the sad parts but because I'm still stuck here in this rat race aching to get out. If you know me, you know that I love nature, the woods, and hiking (especially alone).  

Here are 3 things I learned from Cheryl's journey:

1.  Don't regret the past.  I cannot regret that I did not venture on my journey earlier in my life.  I must make those plans now I must focus on going the direction I want to go- toward discovery.

2.  Life is hard.  Everyone has problems and life isn't easy.  I cannot focus on how hard life is or I will stay stuck in the pain. I must fight to overcome these obstacles and focus on the things I can do and I can achieve.  

3.  Knowing yourself is one of the most valuable gifts you can give yourself.  I know the things I like and dislike.  I know who I am and love who I am.  I do get heartbroken that I have people in my life that do not really even know me and have no desire to learn about me even though they say they love me.  I know I'll be okay even though these people don't know me because I know me and I love me!  

People ask me why I love the woods and why alone ~all I can do is explain it by this quote from Henry David Thoreau:  

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary.  I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms."         

You may not be obsessed with the woods and hiking like I am but you need to find some place in your life where you can be alone with yourself, your thoughts, and be your own friend.  

If you want to learn about some of my passions you can just watch the movie or read the book "Wild" because Cheryl and I have a lot in common - all the way down to the love of quotes.  

How to let go

I've been productively busy but I've also been dealing with some challenges in my life that make me perseverate on events, situations, and people I have no control over.  No matter how much I recite the Serenity Prayer it doesn't help.  My brain is still stuck on obsession mode and it makes it difficult for me to be productive.   

I know the difference between the things I can and cannot change & I know that these are people, events, & situations that I cannot change.  I know because I've tried.  I've done everything in my power to make positive changes but nothing (maybe someday the seeds I've planted will sprout but I will probably not be around to enjoy the fruits of my efforts).  

So, how can I let go of these thoughts that haunt me and drain my energy?   

First, I have to let go of the belief that I will be able to fully let these thoughts go because things really are personal.  Even if they are not intended to be personal they become personal to me as soon as they influence me emotionally. When someone does something that we feel has been wrong to us or someone we love that feels personal and sometimes it is very personal.  I have the hardest time when I know the intent is personal because I live my life with integrity.  

Second, you have to remember that even though you cannot change an event, situation, or person you still can make choices about what you do with your time, effort, and energy.  We often hear that we can change our attitude and that's true but I know how hard it is for me to stop perseverating on my thoughts.  Even when I'm working on being happy and positive, the thoughts and emotions keep creeping back into my head disrupting my ability to be productive. Heck, these thoughts are even a broken record in my dreams like an earworm (song you can't get out of your head).  When I get stuck on a thought or feeling related to the person, event, or situation I then work harder to get mentally caught up in a different task.  The key here is to get caught up in a task that requires you to think and use your cognitive skills in a different way.  Yes, this could mean that you do something academic (reading, writing, math...) but it also means that you could watch a movie or listen to an engaging book on audio.  You could play a game - physically like a sport or mentally like a computer game or Xbox/PS game. The goal is to get your mind focused on something different than what you are obsessing about.  

Finally, you need to get this song stuck in your head so every time the thoughts of the situation, person, or event invades your brain, you can sing the words and tell yourself to just FUCK IT ALL!  

This does work but it has some side effects - you will gain power and strength you didn't know you had and if not careful you may actually say things you might regret.  If you have a teacher, boss, co-worker, or friend that has done something intentionally on unintentionally it is still not wise to say - Fuck You. Remember you need to live with integrity.  I'm not saying that you should continue to let bad people treat you like shit, I'm not!  I'm saying that you take care of yourself and make sure you don't get burned by others but don't attack them.  Even when you are getting attacked remain professional - have dignity and class (that's another lesson by the way).  This lesson is about letting go of those thoughts and feelings that haunt you, so you can move on with your life and focus on being productively busy!  

If this help print out this picture and post it by your computer or mirror so when those thought start invading- you can start singing! 

** How do I know this works?  Well, I sing this all the time and I have not felt this good and powerful in a long time.  So trust me on this and give it a week!  HUGS 

Spiritual Sunday - Letting go of people

Have you ever put more into a relationship than the other person? Have you ever tried to communicate with someone who ignores your or minimizes you?  Have you ever felt that the relationship you are in is unbalanced?  Well, if the answer is yes to any of these questions than you are in an unhealthy relationship and need to GET OUT!  

Sometimes we think that we need to be liked by others or have their approval but this is not true! Need some more information on this visit - Who are you! 

When we invest ourselves in a relationship with another person we are being vulnerable and it can hurt when the other person treats us poorly.   You need to stop trying to make this relationship work. You need to just let this person go because you have one life to live and you should live it with people who want to be in your life.  

At times the person who is treating you poorly is a person that you must come into contact with on a regular basis - a family member, coworker... You may feel that you are stuck.  You are NOT stuck. You can still be respectful to this person but they are NOT worthy of hearing your stories, sharing your experiences, or even your time, effort, or energy.  Do not be mean to them because by being mean they then have the power. They do not deserve the power over you.  Remember you are a person with integrity so don't treat them poorly in any way.  

The goal is to just let them go.  Let them go from your thoughts and your life.  When you do come into contact with them be professional and that's it - let them go.  You will be better off, you will feel better, and you will be so much more successful.  

Oh, if you really struggle letting go because you can't stop thinking - read this How to Let Go!