The Dragonfly Forest

They have been given names such as devil’s darning needle, ear sewer, horse stinger, skeeter hawk, and the snake’s servant. Actually, Dragonflies are beneficial, peaceful, and stunning. You are a Dragonfly if you are: ADD/ADHD, dyslexic, dysgraphic, Asperger’s, NLVD, autistic…

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Vulnerability is not a weakness

Dragonflies are Vulnerable
Vulnerability is NOT weakness!  Every Dragonfly knows what it feels like to be vulnerable.    Every day we face challenges, we don’t quite fit in, and we have to take risks.   Vulnerability is actually courage and being authentic.    Others may try to make you believe that being vulnerable is a flaw but this is not true, being vulnerable is what makes us great!  Being vulnerable connects us to others and allows us to live life consciously.   As a Dragonfly when you have the strength to embrace being vulnerable you will be able to achieve great success.  The next time you feel weak, insecure, or inadequate hold your head up and remember that you have been vulnerable many times in your life and overcame these obstacles. You will be successful when you are yourself and accept yourself. The opinions of others do not matter as much as your own opinion of yourself!       

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

What you need to know about depression and suicide!

Everyone had difficulties and challenges that need to be faced.  People should not have to face these alone but often some have no choice.  Yes, people will say "talk to me," "what's wrong," or "I'm here for you, all you have to do is ask."  Well, some of us can't ask.  Some of us know that others do not want to really hear how bad things are because there is nothing that can be done.   We have to put on a smile and make the world a better place for others and we can't share the cold hard reality of what is happening.

Sometimes we do ask and no one takes the time to listen.  We can even cry and share our pain only to have the other person minimize what we are feeling or try to sugar coat things.  Well this only makes the person feel worse, not better.

So how do you convince someone that life is worth living?  You can't!  You can tell someone that you care and show them by listening to them unconditionally but that is only if they are willing to talk and chances are, the person may not be willing to share what exactly is going on.  Chances are no one can make things better.  Only the person who is dealing with the difficulties and challenges can actually make changes and make things better.  Often they just want to have someone listen to them, really listen with no judgment.  This is not an easy task for people to do- listen without judgment.

When a person commits suicide you often hear how shocked everyone was because the person who ended their life was always so happy and had everything going for them.  Why does this happen? This happens because no one really wants to face the reality that a person can be depressed, so depressed that they feel that life is no longer worth living.

Yes, the person thinking of suicide takes the feelings of others into consideration but what they know is that the relationship will still be there.  There will still be some good memories and the person contemplating suicide believes that they are saving their loved ones from more pain if they end their life because obviously they are such a burden to begin with or the loved ones would listen with empathy.  People often see the "signs" of depression and suicidal ideations after the fact but these signs were there long before they just didn't care enough to notice.  Maybe that sounds cruel, to blame the ones left behind but I believe that it is the society we live in that needs to carry the blame. We live in a society where it is not okay to talk about depression and suicide.  We live in a society that shames people for being different.

If you have a friend who is depressed and shared some dark thoughts then be there for them, push them to open up and discuss their feelings and thoughts without judgment.  Help them!  Stop ignoring them and pretending that everything is okay.  If you suspect that something is wrong and ask the person how they are and they say "fine" with a smile on their face-- push harder because chances are your instincts are correct.  If you think that a person would not commit suicide because they have everything going for them, then think again, many people put on a mask everyday and hide their pain. Don't accept an "I'm fine" from someone you suspect is NOT fine.  Seek them out and be there for them.  I promise you it will make a difference.  Sometime all a person needs is to know that their life does matter.

So, here's my final word on this - there will be some people that no matter what you say or do will make the choice to no longer live in pain.  You must forgive yourself if you know that you did all you could to make a difference in their life and prevent them from ending their own life - you did all you could do.  If you did not do all you could do.  If you were distant or avoided their dark side- all I can say is this is guilt you have to live with because people who are that depressed need support and you made the choice to not provide that support.

Take 11 minutes to listen to Kevin Breel talk about what it is like to be a person with depression and suicidal.  He could be someone you know!!!


Here's a song I sing often - from one of my favorite movies & TV shows - MASH:


Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Want to be more effective? Here are the 7 habits you need

The Seven Habits 
The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic, by Stephen R. Covey

BE PROACTIVE ~ Between stimulus and response in human beings lies the power to choose. Productivity, then, means that we are solely responsible for what happens in our lives. No fair blaming anyone or anything else.

BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND ~ Imagine your funeral and listen to what you would like the eulogists to say about you. This should reveal exactly what matters most to you in your life. Use this frame of reference to make all your day-to-day decisions so that you are working toward your most meaningful life goals.

PUT FIRST THINGS FIRST ~ To manage our lives effectively, we must keep our mission in mind, understand what's important as well as urgent, and maintain a balance between what we produce each day and our ability to produce in the future. Think of the former as putting out fires and the latter as personal development.

THINK WIN/WIN ~ Agreements or solutions among people can be mutually beneficial if all parties cooperate and begin with a belief in the "third alternative": a better way that hasn't been thought of yet.

SEEK FIRST TO BE UNDERSTANDING, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD ~ Most people don't listen. Not really. They listen long enough to devise a solution to the speaker's problem or a rejoinder to what's being said. Then they dive into the conversation. You'll be more effective in your relationships with people if you sincerely try to understand them fully before you try to make them understand your point of view.

SYNERGIZE ~ Just what it sounds like. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. In practice, this means you must use "creative cooperation" in social interactions. Value differences because it is often the clash between them that leads to creative solutions.

SHARPEN THE SAW ~ This is the habit of self-renewal, which has four elements. The first is mental, which includes reading, visualizing, planning and writing. The second is spiritual, which means value clarification and commitment, study and meditation. Third is social/emotional, which includes service, empathy, synergy and intrinsic security. Finally, the physical element includes exercise, nutrition and stress management. 

Monday, February 13, 2017

Henry Rollins gives advice on being yourself & suicide

Today is Henry Rollins birthday & I want to send this message out to you again----BE YOURSELF!!!  You many not believe it but the best person you can be is YOU!  Don't try to be someone else!  Don't compare yourself to anyone else.  Don't let it bother you that others seem to have it easier than you; focus on yourself and your own life!  Remember, as I always say: Empathy is one of the most important skills you need to have to be successful in life- that means empathy for yourself and others.  Work hard, care about others around you, be yourself, and you will be successful!!!  
Here's a great video from Henry Rollins (an ADHD Dragonfly who suffered from depression and low self-esteem).  Henry is a musician, writer, journalist, publisher, actor, radio host, spoken word artist, and activist!
Recently Henry wrote some comments about a parent shouldn't commit suicide after Robin Williams death (Fuck Suicide).  I understand these comments! - I understand Henry's point. Many people were upset with Henry and one of my favorite things about him is his ability to accept criticize and his willingness to look at other perspectives (More Thoughts on Suicide).  When you are an individual you can have your own opinion and when you have empathy you have the ability to accept that your opinion is just that- yours. Here's Henry....
(FYI he is referring to President Obama in this clip not President Trump but I bet you figured this out)

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

We all have Bias - learn to stop being so judgmental

Re-sharing - a post I wrote back in June 2013 but think it needs to be addressed again!  

There has been a lot of discussion in the media about racism, sexism, homophobia, equality… (There is no need to identify these stories because they could be any story; even your own story of being oppressed, discriminated against, of judged).   I will address these issues because they are vital to making the world a better place; so we can do better now that we will know better!  To do this we must first understand implicit bias and confirmation bias.  EVERYONE makes judgments based on both of these biases.  They are rooted in our upbringing and may be so deep you are not aware they exist.  But do not think that you are not prejudice or bias because we all are; it’s human nature. 
Understanding Bias:
Implicit bias is the unconscious attitudes and beliefs that can be expressed overtly or covertly.  These implicit biases develop early in our lives and can occur even if we believe we have no biases toward others.  Implicit bias can be measured (Harvard has done some great research in this area).  These biases are not only about race but also about: age, disabilities, religion, gender, and so on. 
Watch this video of Alan Alda taking this test and explain implicit bias.


Here’s the link to check your own implicit bias: Implicit Bias Test 
People do not base their decisions and opinions on fact but instead on confirmation bias.  Confirmation bias is the process of paying attention to information about a person/topic/issue that confirms (validates) your belief/opinion and ignoring, minimizing, or rationalizing the information that does not support your belief/opinion.  The more emotionally charged an issue or topic is the more this bias occurs.  The recent political race is a perfect example of confirmation bias.   If a person liked one presidential candidate then most of the things that candidate said or did was spun in a positive light.  The other candidate could have done or said the exact same things but these would have been seen in a negative light. 
 Here’s a quick video that explains confirmation bias:


Our brains automatically engage in low-effort information processing which consists of stereotyping and judgments (implicit bias).   We then look for information that validates these beliefs and opinions while we ignore or minimize information that disproves these beliefs and opinions (confirmation bias).  This happens with EVERYONE!  
This can change only if we do a few things:  First, we need to acknowledge and accept that we have biases.  We need to be openly admit these to ourselves.  Second, we need to willingly look at all the evidence and use our OWN critical thinking skills.  Decisions need to be made based on evidence (not only the evidence you want to look at - that's confirmation bias).  This is not easy because your biases will get in the way.  We expect others to be emphatic  to understand us, our points of view, and accept our values and beliefs but we often don’t practice empathy to others. 
Remember that empathy is NOT feeling what another person feels it is UNDERSTANDING the other person’s emotions, experiences, situations…  It does not mean that you have to agree with the person but that you understand why they believe what they believe and feel what they feel.  When you have empathy you don’t try to change another person’s belief to your belief.  You don’t judge others because empathy is the antidote to bias, bigotry, and bullying!
When people become aware (conscious) of the potential for prejudice, they often attempt to correct for it and are less likely to exhibit bias behaviors (overt and covert).  Nevertheless, just understanding implicit bias and confirmation bias is not enough.  Actions, with the intent to do better, must occur on a daily basis.
Please watch the final video of Oprah speaking about Maya Angelou words “when you know better, you do better.”  (If you have not watched any of the other videos than please watch this one.)


Monday, January 16, 2017

Motivational Monday - Things I learned from Randy Pausch

Randy Pausch touched my heart and changed my life.  Although he was on my list of people I admire and people I wanted to meet so I can learn from, I never had that opportunity because he passed away July 25, 2008.  I still visit with Randy frequently from re-reading his books, re-watching his videos, and talking to him in the universe usually asking, “Randy, what would you do here?” or “Randy, what advice do you have for me today?”  

Things I learned from Randy:

1.    “It is important to have specific dreams.”  The key to this isn’t knowing your dream but knowing what precisely you want from your dream.   Sometimes what you think is the dream is not the real dream and people achieve this dream and are disappointed or people can’t reach this dream and therefore they quit all together.  So it is vital to know exactly what it is you are really dreaming of achieving!

2.    “Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.”  This is sometimes a hard one but I have to remind myself that I didn’t get what I wanted and my expectations did not occur but I sure did learn a lot of lessons.  Life is about lessons.  When I have events that are disappointing because I did not get what I want I often ask Randy, “what was I supposed to learn from that?”
3.    “When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.”  This was advice to his daughter and he's right; actions really do speak louder than words so you must remember to watch the behaviors of others --they are very telling.  Also, pay attention to your own behaviors because others are watching your actions and that is how you are being judged – they are not judging you by your words! 

4.    “Proper apologies have three parts:
1) What I did was wrong.
2) I feel badly that I hurt you.
3) How do I make this better?”
I work hard to practice this and want my children to own their mistakes and practice this apology as well.  The world would be such a better place if everyone had the courage to say they were sorry.  (Previous blog post on saying sorry).

There are many more quotes I love (some added as picture quotes for my Facebook pages  – see below).

Watch Randy’s video of The Last Lecture!  I promise you will not be disappointed and your life will be impacted!

(Image: photo of a metal sculptured dragonfly on a brick wall and a quote from Randy Pausch's book 'The Last Lecture' - “The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.  Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough.  They’re there to stop the other people.” "

(Image: photo of a sun rising or setting and a quote from Randy Pausch's 'The Last Lecture' - “When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody’s bothering to tell you anymore, that’s a bad place to be.  You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care about you, and want to make you better.” )

(Image: clipart of a group of multi-racial children playing cards and a quote from Randy Pausch's book 'The Last Lecture' - “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” )

(Image: photo of a Caucasian child wearing a cape and mask with his/her fist in the air and a quote from Randy Pausch's book 'The Last Lecture' - “There’s a lot of talk these days about giving a child self-esteem.  It is not something you give; it’s something you have to build.” )

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Be uniquely you!

Today is a day to be strong!  Look at yourself and appreciate all your wonderful qualities!  If you are saying "What wonderful qualities?  I don't have any wonderful qualities."  Then tell yourself to stop it!  Stop putting yourself down because you do have wonderful qualities.  You are an individual.  You are unique.  Take some time today focusing on all the things that make you - uniquely you!  

Sure some of these things will be external but I want you to look deeper - dig deeper!  You have distinct ways you perceive the world, you have your own feelings & experiences, and you have exceptional gifts and talents. Don't allow yourself to say things like - "But others do better than me in ...."  This is wrong because you are comparing yourself to someone else - be your unique self!   

Embrace yourself!  Love yourself!  Enjoy what you have to offer this world!  Finally, don't hide yourself but live your life being uniquely you!

Thursday, January 12, 2017

What the brain looks like for ADHD, OCD, PTSD & DEPRESSION

So sad that people just don't understand that the brain is connected to all these things - ADHD, OCD, PTSD, DEPRESSION, & even ANXIETY.  Many people think that it is made up and we don't have a disability.  There is actually a problem in the brain.  Yes, we can make changes to the brain through our thoughts and learning ways to control our bodies reactions but it take a lot of time and practice.    

Sunday, January 8, 2017

10 Spiritual Resolutions for a better 2017 on Spiritual Sunday

Spiritual Sunday:

The New Year has begun.  Have you made a list of your spiritual resolutions?  Often we make resolutions that are based on material things or changing ourselves physically here’s a list to help you get started on making your own Spiritual Resolutions!

1.   Make a special place in your home for your own spiritual retreat.  This can be a special chair or a corner of a room.  A place where you go to just relax and get into touch with yourself.  A place to develop mindfulness and let go of all your stress.

2.   Practice Mindfulness on a daily basis.  Mindfulness is more than meditation.  Mindfulness is getting into touch with the inner you: your body, mind, emotions, and soul.  Stop what you are doing a few times a day and reflect on what you are thinking, how you feel, and what is going on in your life.

3.   Make a gratitude journal and put notes of gratitude in it every day!  If you like writing then you can make a journal using a notebook or just notebook paper (it doesn’t have to be fancy but if you want it to then go ahead).  If you prefer to use the computer then type out your gratitude in a word document each day and save it in a file folder.  For those of you who don’t like to type or write you can use your phone and make notes into it each day voice texting.  You can use an app like Color Notes, Evernotes, or any that work for you. 

4.   Pay it forward.  Once a day do something where you pay it forward.  Pay for the person’s order behind you in the drive-thru, drop off flowers or treats at a nursing home or hospital, or let someone go ahead of you in a long line. 

5.   Clean up your house and closets and donate items that are in very good condition.  If you have not used/worn the item in the past year then it needs to go! 

6.   Appreciate the service of others!  Give an extra large tip with a quick note saying “Thanks for all you do!” 

7.   Make a dream journal (see #3 on different ways to do this).  We get to really understand ourselves, fears, and desires if we take some time to review our own dreams.

8.   Be open about your challenges, obstacles, and disability.  Sharing these will help others be comforted, know they are not alone, and give them strength.  Others will see that you are a survivor.  Sharing is not about venting or “woe is me” talk; it is being open without shame. 

9.   Find a motivational Mantra and recite it daily.  This can be a spiritual scripture or even a quote from a movie but something you can say to yourself when times are tough and you are losing strength.

10.  Finally, practice empathy!  Remember the Platinum Rule!

Friday, January 6, 2017

My story is not ending - Project Semicolon & my tattoo

I know that tattoos are not for everyone but I have wanted one for a while & yesterday I finally got my tattoo.  I am thrilled to finally get this tattoo because it has so much meaning for me!  

I have shared openly about my disabilities in a past post- Who I Am. BTW, I am not ashamed to use the word 'disability' because to not use the word disability I would be denying the problems I experience with depression, anxiety, dyslexia, dysgraphia, & ADD.  Here's a better post on Why it is better to use the word disability instead of difference.  Society needs to stop making it shameful to use the words disability & mental illness!  

This is why my tattoo is so important to me!  I got my tattoo to own my struggles with depression & anxiety.  I also want to openly show my support for others who have these battles. Being open will hopefully reduce the shame & stigma around mental illnesses.  As a therapist people often think that we are the ones that have it all together and never experience depression & anxiety but that is not true. The professions of psychology & counseling often have some of the highest suicide rates.  I believe one of the reasons is because we are told it is not okay to disclose our own challenges.  Well, I am for full disclosure & I am open with my clients - I let them know that I have these as well & I can assure them that life is worth living when we have support & learn to accept exactly who we are.  

So, let me explain my tattoo to you!  This tattoo is my Dragonfly Forest (visit my FB page at The Dragonfly Forest & my private therapy practice FB page at Forest Alliance Coaching).  For those of you who don't know my married name is LAM and it means Forest in Chinese - these are the Chinese Characters for Lam/Forest. The Forest (woods) is also my escape & the place I go for inner salvation. The Dragonfly is the symbol of who I am & I'm proud to be a unique amazing Dragonfly!  The body of my Dragonfly is a Semicolon.  It is to represent that my story isn't over! It stems from Project Semicolon.  Project Semicolon is a nonprofit movement started by Amy Bleuel to honor her father, who took his own life.  It is to bring awareness & shame reduction to those who battle depression, suicide, addiction, anxiety, & other mental illnesses.  Here's the reason a semicolon is used - "A semicolon is used with an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to.  The author is you, and the sentence is your life." 

My goal is to continue to openly discuss the topics that people would rather keep hidden - learning disabilities & mental illnesses. We have nothing to be ashamed of because we have more battles to fight than others. We will have less battles to fight when there is no longer discrimination and negative stigmas about having a disability and/or mental illness.  

Be strong & Be proud!  

(Image description: photo of my left arm wearing a heart linked gold & silver watch & a bracelet that says "Just Keep Going" and my tattoo of a dragonfly with a semicolon body & the Chinese Character for Lam (my last name) which means Forest. On the right side of the picture is my own quote "Be a warrior! Be a survivor! Just keep going! Don't let your story end! Proud to be a Dragonfly!")

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Empathy is the Key!!

Empathy is being able to see another person’s point of view even if you have no specific frame of reference or similar experience.  Unfortunately, most people do not have empathy because they just cannot put themselves in another person’s shoes unless they have direct experience.  A great example of this is when Senator Rob Portman reversed his stance on gay marriage after learning about his own son being gay.  Geez, only when his own life was affected by the ban on gay marriages did he see the light and understand.  The world would be a much better place if everyone focused on empathy instead of their own egocentric point of view. 

Empathy is being conscious and fully aware of the experiences of others!  Here are some ways you can step outside of your own frame of reference and become more empathetic:

  • Truly listen to what another person is saying – listening is not waiting for your turn to talk and tell your own opinion/story/experience.  Listening is also not making judgments.

  •  Really think about your advice before you offer it to someone.  Your own advice is much more about what YOU would do in situation. 

  •  In fact, do not give advice or opinions unless the person directly asks for this information.  Your advice and opinions are about YOU not the other person.  It also demonstrates that you are NOT really listening. 

  •  When creating things such as presentations, papers, books, movies… you must really understand your target audience.  You must be able to put yourself in their shoes and view the experience through their eyes if you hope to make a difference. 

  • When experiencing an event such as a movie, play, sporting event… think about it from many different perspectives.  Think about the perspective of a variety of people (blind, deaf, specific race or ethnicity, physically handicapped, dyslexic, ADHD, homosexual, old, young…).  What might they think and feel?  By being open to other perspectives you become less egocentric. 

As a Dyslexic Dragonfly I am a very slow reader but I love to escape in books via audiobooks (ear-reading).  One of my favorite quotes from C.S. Lewis is:  “My own eyes are not enough for me, I will see through the eyes of others.”   So remember to take some time to think outside of yourself today to help make the world a better place.  Let the focus be on empathy!  

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

7 things to do for a positive 2017

2016 is now over and it is time to reflect back on the year... 

1.)  Overall did you have a good year?  

2.)  Would you do it all the same if you could do it over?

3.) Did you answer no to either of the top two questions?  

If so then you need to really think about what you need to change in yourself, attitude, beliefs, environment, situation.... for 2017.

You need to look at the lessons you have learned over the last year and how to work not repeating any mistakes.  We all make mistakes.  In fact, mistakes are great, they help us learn who we really are and what we really like and dislike.  We learn more from the mistakes we make than the things we do right.  

So here's what you can do to prepare for the next year:

1.) Appreciate all the mistakes you have made over the last year because these things taught you a lot about yourself and the world around you.

2.) Focus not on the negative things that happened to you but the positive things that occurred - this includes our lessons learned.  

3.) Focus on the positive things you want to bring into your life in the year 2017.  Write down a list of these positive things you want in your life.  Remember what we focus on we expand.

4.) Don't make a list of resolutions such as, "I will lose 10 pounds."  Instead make a list of aspects of life you want to  improve in yourself - "I will be loving to others,"  "I will accept myself for who I am," and "I will focus on the positive."  

5.) Remember when you focus on the negative or stress over things that are happening in your life you are bringing in negative energy.  Negative begets negative and no one deserves to live a negative life (if you just thought of someone you think deserves a negative life than you just brought negative energy on yourself - not the other person - you are only harming yourself!).

6.) Let go of expectations.  You will not have a perfect life - shit happens all the time.  If you expect things to be a certain way you will become disappointed and this is negative energy.  Don't expect things to go wrong but don't expect them to be perfect either.  Just enjoy the moments as they are occurring.  So what the dog just pooped in the closet -clean it up and move on- don't let it ruin your whole day.  So what you were late to the meeting - let it go - you finally got there right?  If others are upset with you because you are late that's their negative energy don't allow it to make you negative.  Don't allow another person's negative energy to make you have negative self-talk.  

7.) Finally, want to know how to stop that negative self-talk?  We all do it from time to time and some do it more than others so here's how to stop it from controlling you.   Every time you catch yourself having negative self-talk fight back.  Yep, fight back - argue back with yourself!  Shout it out loud if you have to - say the opposite the negative self-talk is saying.   For example, if the negative self-talk is saying that you are "no good and worthless" than fight back by strongly saying "Heck no, I am good and I do have worth."  You may not believe it at first but don't stop because eventually you will change that negative self-talk! 

So take some time to reflect over the last year and make positive plans for 2017!