Depression in school-aged children especially those with disabilities

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A true story about depression – this could be you:

A student, "Thomas." has a learning disability and an IEP (the type of LD doesn’t matter as any will fit here for this story).  He knows that he doesn’t learn like the other students, is often excluded by his peers (bullied as well), and feels overwhelmed in the school environment.  Over time Thomas became depressed, he refused to attend school, and eventually, he contemplated suicide.  His parents have always been strong advocates for their son and contacted the school seeking help. The parents were surprised when instead of receiving support, they were attacked and blamed for his current situation.  The school principal became defensive and stated that the parents are at fault and they “need to work with them, not against them.”  The guidance counselor also condemned the parents stating as a counselor she is too busy to address all the needs of the students and she has done nothing wrong waiting for over a day to return the phone call.  The parents got help for their son outside of the school district but were not able to obtain appropriate support at the school which was the source of the problem. 
The Facts:

September is Suicide Awareness week, and October is Depression Awareness Month, so I want to address an issue that is often brushed aside and minimized.  It is depression.  Depression is one of the most common mental disorders, and according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), 1 in 11 children will experience clinical depression before the age of 14.  Furthermore, the risk of depression increases as a child gets older and is the leading cause of disability among Americans ages 15-44 according to the World Health Organization (WHO).  Depression affects a person’s entire physical and mental well-being. 

Did you know that students with learning disabilities (LD) have statistically higher accounts of depressions than their peers without LD?  Having a disability makes attending school challenging.  Students with disabilities know that their lives are not under their control, they are painfully aware that they don’t fit in, have academic failures, and experience a number of social rejections. Unfortunately, depression is not addressed in schools (another forbidden “D” word).  Many if not all kids with learning disabilities experience Learned Helplessness and this does NOT mean the child is coddled by their parents! Read this article to educate yourself on Learned Helplessness!

One of the reasons depression is not discussed, is shame.  Parents already experience a variety of emotions regarding having a child with a disability.  To make matters worse, teachers, counselors, school psychologists, and administrators often blame parents for the child’s academic struggles and behaviors.  I am frequently in meetings where school staff members give parenting advice and have blatantly stated that the child wouldn’t have these difficulties if the parents would only…“read with the child, help with homework, stop doing the child’s homework, discipline consistently, stop cuddling the child, reduce their social/sports schedule, increase their social/sports schedule”, and the list is endless.  When parents already feel responsible for their child’s struggles these comments only make the situation worse, not better.  This “blame the parents” approach makes it more difficult for the parents to bring up concerns about depression and the school staff perceiving the symptoms of depression as a parenting problem.

The second reason depression is not discussed is that people don’t know the symptoms of depression in children and adolescents, especially ones with a disability.  The symptoms of depression are often common signs of other problems, and the severity of these symptoms is not taken seriously.    

The following are some symptoms of depression (these will be unique to each person):

• Irritability, anger, angry outbursts  
• Continuous feelings of sadness, hopelessness, helplessness – feeling melancholy or sad most of the day
• Withdrawal from family and friends
• Over clinging to parents
• Feelings of anxiety, phobias
• Increased sensitivity to rejection or criticism
• Changes in appetite - either increased (weight gain) or decreased (weight loss)
• Changes in sleep (sleeplessness, too much sleep)
• Crying, temper tantrums, or sulking
• Difficulty concentrating
• Memory loss
• Fatigue (tiredness) low or decreased energy
• Physical Complaints or chronic pain (stomach aches, headaches) that do not respond to treatment (possible real physical problem or feigning illness)
• Digestive Disorders
• Reduced ability to function during activities at home or with friend, in school, extracurricular activities, and in hobbies or interests
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Getting into trouble, increased behavior problems
• Inability to experience pleasure or excitement even when doing activities that were pleasurable
• Mania or putting on a good front by being over happy
• Experimentation with drugs or alcohol
• Thoughts or talk of death or suicide

To get a direct perspective of what depression it is like for a popular non-learning disabled student watch this video of Kevin Breel (Confessions of a Depressed Comic):  Watch one of the two - sometimes phones do not allow a video to play so you have two options to choose from, but they are the same video!

Embedded video 

Kevin Breel (Confessions of a Depressed Comic)

What can be done:

Depression can be treated and children experiencing depression MUST be treated because if they do not get help, it will only get worse.  According to the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI), once a child experiences depression, the child is at risk of developing another depression within five years.  Eventually, the child may contemplate or attempt suicide.  Did you know that according to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, suicide is the third leading cause of death for 5-15 year-olds?    

If we continue to minimize depression, we risk losing children to suicide.  Is this a risk we want to take?  NO!

So, make sure you, as a parent know what to look for regarding depression.  Ask the school staff members to also be educated on depression and look for signs and symptoms in all children.  The earlier this is caught, the easier it is to treat. 

(Image: black and white photo of a student sitting at a computer desk with books and a computer on the top of the desk and the student is sitting with his/her head down being held up by his/her hands with elbows resting on the desk.  Quote from Stephanie Sergent Daniel's article 'Reading Disabilities Put Students at Risk for Suicidal Thoughts and Behaviours and Dropping out of School' - "In our study, poor readers were three times more likely than typical readers to consider or attempt suicide and six times more likely to drop out of school.  Educators and parents should be aware of the risk of suicidal thoughts and behaviors among adolescents with reading problems.")

(Image: a figure sitting with their hands clasped and their head down and the words "Did you know?  1 in 11 children will experience clinical depression before the age of 14 & suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 5-15 year-olds?  It's time to talk about depression")

Is Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes ADHD?

Today, July 5, is the birthday of William “Bill” Boyd Watterson II, American Artist and author of the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes.  Mr. Watterson will be 59 years old today.   The comic strip Calvin and Hobbes ran from 1985 to 1995 and was in more than 2,400 newspapers worldwide. 

Calvin, the 6 year old main focus of his comic strip was and is loved my many.  There has also been intense discussions in the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder community as to whether or not Calvin has ADHD.  Mr. Watterson never came right out and reported that Calvin was ADHD but I guess Mr. Watterson didn’t go into creating the comic strip with the intention on having Calvin ADHD.  

No parent plans or wants their child to have ADHD.  Parents discover their child has ADHD as the child grows and develops.  I think there is agreement in this ADHD community that Calvin fits the criteria for ADHD: he has a difficult time staying focused, hyperactive, impulsive, creative, and enthusiastic!  The thing is--- it doesn’t matter if Mr. Watterson intended this to be ADHD or not.  Just because a diagnosis can be made does not take away from the great traits we love about Calvin and his imaginary tiger friend, Hobbes.  In fact, we actually love Calvin BECAUSE of his ADHD traits.  Calvin’s imagination, creativity, energy, lack of attention, and view of the world are the gifts that Mr. Watterson gave to this character.  Our kids with ADHD don't need to be shamed for their ADHD traits - adults need to appreciate these ADHD traits just like we appreciate and enjoy Calvin. 

So Happy Birthday, Mr. Watterson, thank you for giving us the gift of Calvin and Hobbes (as well as your other wonderful cartoons).  

Mr. Watterson is on my list of people I’d love to have lunch with.  Since he lives a couple hours north of me I could venture to hunt him down but I will refrain out of respect.  After Mr. Watterson ended his Calvin and Hobbes comic strip he became a “recluse.”  He has worked hard to stay out of the public eye, he declines interviews, appearances, and refuses to license his characters.  There is speculation that he has anxiety and social phobia.  It doesn’t matter if that’s true or not I believe he is a true Dragonfly and just like all Dragonflies they are best when viewed in their natural state instead of held captive.  

Henry Rollins gives advice on being yourself & suicide

Today is Henry Rollins birthday & I want to send this message out to you again----BE YOURSELF!!!  You many not believe it but the best person you can be is YOU!  Don't try to be someone else!  Don't compare yourself to anyone else.  Don't let it bother you that others seem to have it easier than you; focus on yourself and your own life!  Remember, as I always say: Empathy is one of the most important skills you need to have to be successful in life- that means empathy for yourself and others.  Work hard, care about others around you, be yourself, and you will be successful!!!  

Here's a great video from Henry Rollins (an ADHD Dragonfly who suffered from depression and low self-esteem).  Henry is a musician, writer, journalist, publisher, actor, radio host, spoken word artist, and activist!

Recently Henry wrote some comments about a parent shouldn't commit suicide after Robin Williams death (Fuck Suicide).  I understand these comments! - I understand Henry's point. Many people were upset with Henry and one of my favorite things about him is his ability to accept criticize and his willingness to look at other perspectives (More Thoughts on Suicide).  When you are an individual you can have your own opinion and when you have empathy you have the ability to accept that your opinion is just that- yours. Here's Henry....

(FYI he is referring to President Obama in this clip not President Trump but I bet you figured this out)

Henry Rollins point of view and advice!

Cartoon Saturday

Here are a few Calvin and Hobbes:  

Mr. Watterson was able to use a darling and creative 6 year old boy to make us think and put the world into a different empathetic perspective... Thank you!

Advice: Frustrations is all about Expectations

Take a moment and think back over the last few weeks.  How often did you get frustrated with someone in your life who has ADHD/ADD, Asperger’s, Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, and so on?  Do you realize that even if you do not openly display this frustration you still convey your frustrations in tone and body language? Well, you do.  The person you are frustrated with knows that they are the cause.  Many times the reason for the frustration is not their fault.  Here’s why you are frustrated…

People become frustrated when they have an unmet expectation.  We get ideas into our head of what we expect to happen, some of these are realistic and some are not realistic.  It is an unrealistic expectation to take a very ADHD child to a wedding and expect them to sit quietly during the ceremony.  So, when you are frustrated you need to first think about what was your expectation.  What are you frustrated about and what did you expect to happen?  You need to ask, was your expectation realistic or unrealistic.  Now come on, be honest with this one because most of the time it is an unrealistic expectation.  Even if all you expect is to be able to buy chocolate milk at a restaurant and all they have is white milk; it is unrealistic to expect your desires to be met all the time.    

So what do you do?  You change your expectations.  This doesn’t mean to lower your expectations but instead reframe them.  If you expect your expectations to not always be met, it will not be so frustrating. If you fully understand the uniqueness of the other people in your life (their disability, time orientation, & perspectives) you will be much more successful.  Everyone wants to be accepted for who they are and when you are frustrated with them you are not accepting them; you are expecting them to be something they are not.

 The other thing you need to do is remember the Serenity Prayer!!  Here’s a copy for you to keep!

Someone You Should Know: Billy Bob Thornton a Dyslexic, Dysgraphic, ADD Dragonfly

Harvey Hubble made a great documentary movie: Dislecksia The Movie.  Here is a video of Billy Bob Thornton speaking about his dyslexia (dysgraphia & ADD).  Enjoy!  

Billy Bob Thornton Talks about Dyslexia
(Click here is you can't see the video and it will take you to the Youtube video)

Dr. Hallowell

Dr. Hallowell's Graduation Speech 2008

Dr. Ned Hallowell is dyslexic and ADHD so he knows what it is like to be a Dragonfly.  Here he is giving a graduation Speech to a group of other Dragonflies from Eagle Hill School in 2008.  

Why a Dragonfly?

I am often ask – Why refer to people who are different as a Dragonfly.  So here’s why:

Dragonflies are often misunderstood, undervalued, and labeled as wrong, bad, or evil.  They have been given names such as devil’s darning needle, ear sewer, horse stinger, skeeter hawk, and the snake’s servant. 

Many people dislike Dragonflies or even fear them; mainly because they have never taken the chance to see the gifts Dragonflies provide the world.  Dragonflies are beneficial, peaceful, and stunning.   Dragonflies do not bite you or harm you in any way.  If you actually look at a Dragonfly you will see the Dragonflies reveal iridescence – the ability to show itself in different colors depending on the angle and polarization of light falling on it~~ making the Dragonfly breathtaking. 

You are a Dragonfly if you are different because you have some type of disability, disorder, or difference.   You know if you are a Dragonfly because you will feel that you just don’t “fit-in” with what main-stream finds acceptable.  Some Dragonflies are obvious because they have physical disabilities that can be seen but many Dragonflies have hidden disabilities/disorders such as ADHD/ADD, Anxiety, Asperger's, Autism, Depression, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Nonverbal Learning Disability, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Sensory Processing Disorder, and Twice Exceptional (gifted but has a disability).

Finally, the Dragonfly symbolizes change – self-realization!  So this is why The Dragonfly Forest was created – as a place where Dragonflies can come to for motivation, inspiration, education, and be accepted as a Dragonfly!   

I try to keep my blog posts short and to the point (I know many of you Dragonflies don’t like to read long posts or lose interest if a video is longer than 15 – 20 minutes).  Please stop by and visit The Dragonfly Forest often and share this with your other Dragonfly friends!  

By the way I also have a Facebook page for The Dragonfly Forest, a business FB page for Forest Alliance Coaching, and a FB page for dyslexia Decoding Dyslexia Ohio, Decoding Dyslexia OH Family Support and Decoding Dyslexia Oh Homeschool Support ~~~  Go show your Dragonfly spirit and like these Facebook pages!!! 

Cartoon Saturday - too much work!

Motivational Monday Stephen Tonti Empowering ADHD people

What peaks your curiosity?  Where do you hyper-focus? Stephen Tonti shares his story about ADHD and how it is NOT a disorder but just a difference in cognition.  Here he is giving an inspiring talk.  You don't have to be and ADHD Dragonfly to appreciate this video because he really supports that no one has a disorder we just are different.  He also explains how we need a healthier understanding of these differences and how parents and teachers can become positive influence instead of a negative impact.
"Let society conform to me!"    

ADHD as a Difference in cognition not a disorder Stephen Tonti

Why disabilities need to be included when teaching diversity

I recently went to a Diversity Conference that was hosted by my school district, where my children attend and I am on the Diversity Committee.  When planning this event, as usual, I kept pushing to make sure that Disabilities (especially learning disabilities) was on the agenda as well because we really need to embrace ALL diversity.  I have been wanting to report on this event and share with you the really great sessions I attended.  I will touch base briefly on the three sessions I attended (there was a lunch session but it was really us just chatting & eating).

Session 1: “This Exit, No Return”: Voices of parents whose children have severe disabilities and what they want the world to know.  Dr. Joy Cowdery  

This session we read from a play that depicted the voices of real parents who have children with severe disabilities.  As you can expect, I cried and I cried, oh yeah, I cried.  Good thing I have courage to be vulnerable.  Being able to put myself in the shoes of another comes easy for me.  I am also a parent of 3 kids with disabilities and a person with disabilities so I could really relate to the emotional rollercoaster the short play takes you on.  This was very powerful.  I also highly enjoyed the conversation after with other parents.  We, parents of children with disabilities, are the minority and it would have been great if parents of “typical” children (majority) attended this session- but they didn’t (unless they were an intervention teacher & that doesn’t count - it’s their job).  The minority of us need for the majority to understand what it is like to live in our shoes and see the world from our perspectives.  This is the same as a person of color wanting those in the majority race to understand what the world is like for them.  The more that is understood the less we will be judged and discriminated against.  I’m not sure if Dr. Cowdery is a parent of a child with a disability because either she didn’t disclose or I missed it somehow.  The play was the “voices” of real parents of children with disabilities and that left a lasting impression. 

Session 2: It’s Possible: How to begin Including LGBTQ themed books into the curriculum.  Dr. Dee Knoblauch

After coming off the emotional rollercoaster from the last session I was knew I would cry again in this session and of course, I did.  Dr. Knoblauch explained the importance of having books in the classrooms and libraries that have characters and/or subject matter about people who are LGBTQ – Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, & Questioning.  She shared with us lists of appropriate books she has already read and researched. These books are appropriate for middle and high school.  I was thrilled to get these lists.  As a counselor I suggest books for clients to ear-read or eye-read as a form of biblotherapy.  When we read books with characters and situations similar to ourselves and what we are going through, we can relate and feel connected.  By reading we can live vicariously through the characters, learn lessons, and know we are NOT alone.  Being LGBTQ is being a minority in a world where the majority is not often open and accepting. I appreciated Dr. Knoblauch sharing her own personal experiences being a lesbian, living with her partner while raising daughters together because this information gave credibility to her choices of appropriate reading material.    I’m in the processing of checking for Dr. Knoblauch to see if these books are also available in audiobook format since I ear-read SOOO much better than I can eye-read.

Session 3: Teaching African American History: Movies, Music, and Multimedia.  Dr. Hasan Kwame Jeffries

I’m a movie fanatic and, like books, they can be used in counseling to help clients work through some of their own issues.  As you know I’m a passionate inclusionist and want everyone to learning to see the world through the perspective of others!  This is the best way we, as a society can become stronger and a great way to build empathy (remember – Empathy is the antidote to bullying,bias, & bigotry).  Dr. Jeffries was outstanding as he explained how he taught African American History to students using movies and critical discussions.  As he held up the movies and started to talk about them, I cried.  Not the boo hoo crying but the tears just flowed because I know these movies, I have made my own children watch these movies when it was my pick for “Family Movie Night” in the Lam house.  I raise my children the same way I was raised – teaching empathy, acceptance, and understanding along the way.  This session was validating to me because I am raising my children the way Dr. Jefferies is teaching his classes- having them watch movies and then critically discussing them. I was also thrilled to learn of a few movies that my children have not seen and I will make sure that I get these movies soon.   

Lessons learned - the lived experience of being disabled from the person with the disability:

I really enjoy learning new things and having the opportunity to attend these sessions.  I was glad to see that there were some sessions on dyslexia (Dyslexia simulations & Dyslexia 101).  I did not attend these sessions for a couple reasons.  First, as a person with dyslexia I know firsthand what it is really like to live with this disability.  Second, I teach others about dyslexia and conduct simulations, although I do much more work at explaining how the dyslexic brain processes language, how appropriate accommodations can alleviate frustration, and able to provide examples from my own life. 

I also feel that to really educate others about what it is like to be a specific race, culture, sexual orientation, or disability the presenter should be of that race, culture, sexual orientation, or have that disability.  I always find it interesting when I hear non-disabled people speaking about what it is like to be dyslexic, dysgraphic, or ADD (all my invisible disabilities) because they really have NO idea what it is like to grow up and live with these disabilities on a daily basis.  Nevertheless, many people feel they can teach about what it is like to have these disabilities because they have a child with one, took classes, or read some research/books.  That’s kind of like me teaching a class on what it is like to be Asian because my husband is Asian and my children are half Asian.  Now, I can teach a class on Chinese New Year because that is about the traditions we do in our home to celebrate. I can teach about what it is like having biracial children or being in an interracial marriage. Are you still not convinced that a person with a disability is the best one to teach about what it is like to live with that disability?  Do you still think that it is okay for a non-dyslexic person to teach a simulation on what it is like to be dyslexic?  Well, then, let me put it this way… who would be better to teach what it like to be African American – a white person or an African American person?  

Although I can empathize what it is like to be discriminated against being LGBTQ it would be inappropriate for me to be the spokesperson for the LGBTQ experience.  Can I still support them – you bet!   Being in the majority population of sexual orientation my support, empathy, and understanding would be a wonderful way to make the world a better place for the LGBTQ (or any race/culture/disability…).  I have many friends that are LGBTQ that I love and respect but it would be an incongruous of me to teach about the lived experience of being LGBTQ.   

I often explain that I would make a TERRIBLE drug and alcohol counselor because I’ve NEVER been there.  I could counselor them as the books and research tell me to – evidence based research of proven methods to overcome being an addict, but I would be a major failure.  I would be a failure because the whole time I would be thinking – WTF, just stop drinking, doing drugs, watching porn… I would be making judgments all along that I am better because I don’t have these addictions and this makes not only an ineffective counselor but also an unethical one.  I believe that the best addictions counselor is one who has been there.  A person who has spiraled to the depths of addictions and survived so they can take others along the same journey without judgment. 

The world would be a much better place is we really celebrated ALL types of diversity and those who are diverse can teach us.  I want to know what it is like to be a person of a specific race, culture, religion, sexual orientation…. the list goes on but I want to learn this information from someone who IS that race, culture, religion………    The more understanding we have the more empathy we will acquire and the less hate and discrimination will occur but we first have to realize that the best teachers are the ones who live though the experiences.  

Here are some great picture quotes that really express the importance of teaching about disabilities from people with the disabilities.  When was the last time you learned about the history of the disability rights movement?  Did you even know there was a disability rights movement?  

Why do we ignore disabilities when we talk about diversity?  Why is it okay to ignore that disabilities don't exist?   The rights of every person with a disability - visible or invisible are being violated frequently.  This would not be tolerated if we treated a person of a color or religion these ways.  Think about it! I am so blessed to be in a school district that holds a diversity conference so we can all become better people!

Cartoon Saturday - ADHD & the phone

Motivational Monday with Adam Levine!

Here’s proof that being ADHD is great!  ADHD allows you to be creative, talented, and SEXY! 

 Adam & Ellen talking about Sexiest man alive

Notice in this clip him talking about being messy and his addiction to Candy Crush – 
gotta love ADHD!

Won't Go Home Without You

People know recent hits by Maroon 5 but here’s one that from the past that’s worth listening to today on Motivational Monday!!

Shame it needs to STOP and How to help!

Although everyone experiences shame in their lives, people with learning disabilities have to battle shame more often than their non-learning disabled peers.  When children with learning disabilities begins school they learn very quickly that adults (and peers) in their lives think less than ideal about them either via implied or direct messages.  These messages hurt and make the children feel less-than, worthless, stupid, unlovable… Eventually these messages become shame-ridden scripts replayed over and over damaging their self-esteem and leaving deep scars.  Here's a previous post regarding Brene Brown and her research on Shame.

Shame is different than guilt.  Guilt is when you feel bad because of something you did while shame is when you feel bad because you believe you ARE bad.  For example, when a student fails a test one student may feel bad that they just didn’t study hard enough (guilt) while another student feels that HE/SHE is a failure (shame).   Research has provided evidence that shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, eating disorders, bullying, aggression, and violence.  These are also highly comorbid (common) in students with learning disabilities - this is connected to SHAME!  Here's a previous post about Depression in children what you need to know. 

Imagine if you will, a first grade student with undiagnosed dyslexia, I’ll call him Charlie.  The students in the classroom are learning to read and although the teacher is teaching the students all the same way and Charlie is putting forth great effort, he just can’t seem to grasp reading skills.  His teacher feeling her own guilt (and/or shame) because no matter what she does he just can’t seem to learn to read or his reading is inconsistent.  Charlie’s parents are experiencing anxiety thinking something is wrong and Charlie overhears his parents discussing their concerns and begins to think something is wrong with HIM. 

Charlie’s parents meet with his teacher to discuss their concerns and are either validated and made to feel they are on the right path or dismissed as over-concerned parents and minimized.  A variety of scenarios will occur here – the school may be receptive right away and assure Charlie is educated appropriately with an Orton-Gillingham method and parent anxiety is reduced so Charlie is less likely to perceive that HE is stupid or something wrong with HIM – or the other extreme and the school denies Charlie has a disability, blames parents and/or Charlie for his lack of learning, refuses to evaluate, attacks parents for wanting to “label” their child,  and therefore Charlie’s parents become more scared for Charlie, his teacher becomes more defensive (due to her own shame or guilt or because her hands are tied by the school) and Charlie now KNOWS that there is something wrong with him that he is stupid.   Most scenarios are fall somewhere in between but the point here is how easy it is for Charlie to feel shame because he is struggling with reading all because he is dyslexic and therefore needs to be taught to read via an Orton-Gillingham approach and that many teachers and parents don’t know about dyslexia so they are not able to tell Charlie that there is nothing wrong with HIM. 

Charlie may share his feelings of shame by saying things like “I’m stupid” or “I’m a failure” but he also may be displaying his shame behaviorally through depression, anger, acting silly, or even avoiding activities that make him feel bad about himself.  When Charlie shares his feelings of shame either verbally or behaviorally, he is validated, minimized, or gets into trouble- then the cycle of shame continues.  Charlie’s peers become part of this cycle as well.  Sometimes it is as obvious as name calling (block-head) but sometimes (and most often) it is relational aggression where he becomes the student that no one picks to partner with or excluded socially.  These only reinforce Charlie’s negative scripts of shame. 

Sometimes Charlie finds a strength and will focus on that strength to counter some of the feelings of shame.  Maybe Charlie is great at tennis so he excels on the tennis court – for some kids this is enough protection from shame invading their whole life.  Charlie, however, is good at some things and could possibly be great if an adult would just step in and nurture his strengths to reduce the pain of the shame.  Unfortunately, adults only view Charlie as lazy, unmotivated, not living up to his potential, annoying, stupid, or a trouble-maker so they don’t want to bother with him.  Again, more validation that Charlie is right, something is wrong with HIM-- he is not good enough! 

I could go on and on about Charlie’s life, explain how shame permeates everything he does, how hard it is for him to be successful because he doesn’t experience much success and when he does experience success he has such a negative self-script that it is difficult for him to accept the success, how teachers and the system consistently add to his bucket of shame (either intentionally or unintentionally) or how the way he deals with shame are often not productive but I won’t because I think you get the picture.

Instead I want to help you see ways we can help Charlie and other kids like Charlie.  I used dyslexia as my example but it can be replaced with any type of disability (ADHD, Dysgraphia, Asperger’s…) and the results would be the same.  I’d like to point out that the more hidden a disability the more likely that the child will have intense shame.  This is because it is not socially acceptable to call a student lazy if she is struggling to get her wheelchair to move instead, we provide her assistance --but it does seem to be acceptable for teachers to call or imply a student is lazy when they are struggling academically and/or socially. 

Ways to make change:

We must first recognize the difference between shame and guilt.  Guilt is “I feel terrible I ate too much over the holidays, I should start working out more” and shame is “I ate too much over the holidays, I’m so fat, I have no self-control, I hate myself…”  Or from the perspective of a young child who lost a game: guilt is “Darn I lost, I feel bad so I’ll have to practice and I’ll eventually win” and shame is “I lost again, I’m such a loser.”   

We need to openly talk about shame and know that everyone experiences shame.  When we hide shame we only allow it to grow more deadly.  We have lost too many people to suicide, especially kids – kids are not killing themselves because of guilt they are killing themselves because they feel shame!  When we shine light on shame and call it out into the open it can no longer hide and we can battle it head on. 

We need to stop putting a negative stigma on mental health disorders (depression, anxiety, bi-polar…) and learning disabilities (I’ll stop calling them disabilities by the way, when we can openly accept and embrace all of them and there is no shame in having any of them – in the mean time I must use the word disability so that educators understand the severity of the problem the student is struggling with)!  When we are proud to share that we are depressed, dyslexic, or ADHD and people/teachers do not make judgments but instead accept us as we are, then and only then will shame be reduced.   

We must label kids appropriately and as early as possible.  Research provides evidence that the earlier a child is diagnosed the less shame and negative effects they experience later on.  Sometimes parents are told “don’t label your child” or “why do you want to label your child.”  The thing is the child is already getting miss labeled which is filling them with shame.  The correct label will reduce this shame.  When adults are finally accurately diagnosed there is a sense of relief that they are not all the negative things they thought they were, they were just dyslexic, ADHD, or have Asperger’s.  You hear about this from the likes of Steven Spielberg, Susan Boyles, Henry Winkler, and so forth. Wouldn't it be great if we can stop the shame before it even begins? 

We need to teach empathy in schools and STOP teaching bullying prevention programs (Empathy is the antidote to bullying).  What we focus on expands and therefore by focusing on bullying and differences we are priming our students to look for bullying and differences.  When we teach empathy we instill in our students the skills needed to see the world through the eyes of others and a result is a more positive support world where people care openly and honestly about others.  A place where there is less shame because when a student hears his peer say “I’m stupid, I failed that test” and that student can tell his peer – “failing a test doesn’t make you stupid in fact, you are so good at [fill in the blank] remember we learn from our mistakes.” 

We need to celebrate all students and stop excluding those that don’t fit the ‘super-star’ mold.  Have you ever been to a graduation or award ceremony that shames those who are not in the spotlight?  This is very common – I wrote about one such event months ago Stop the Shaming but the gist is if the educators had empathy they would be able to see things from the perspective of all the students who were not showered with accolades and at least acknowledge their existence. When students with learning disabilities have to sit in these award events remember they have a negative shaming script running through their heads that tell them the reason they are not getting an award is because they are NOT good enough, they are stupid, or unworthy.  Is that really the message educators want to send – no, but it is still happening.  

I could continue but want you to digest what I have already written.  Don’t worry my Dragonfly friends, I will discuss this again. 

I want to leave you with this…  

**By the way - did anyone think of this Charlie when I discussed the "Charlie" above?  I was not referring to Charlie Brown but I hope you can see the shame that Charlie Brown experienced cause if so, you are developing or have empathy!  

Cartoon Saturday

Quotes from Parents and Dragonflies

This quote was one that sticks out in my mind often when I am at meetings because it really breaks my heart.  I wish teachers really understood what they are doing to these kids.

"School is so hard for me but all my teachers think it should be easy so they just think I'm lazy.  It makes me hate myself even more because if school is easy I'm just stupid cause it isn't easy for me.  Most days when I wake up on school mornings I have suicidal thoughts because I'd rather be dead than go to school."  

                                                  ~ A 5th grader with dyslexia and ADHD
 

Words of wisdom buttons for school meetings

It is time for the school year to really get into swing which means meetings for parents of Dragonflies!  I not only attend meetings as a parent but I also attend hundreds of meetings with parents (via my business Forest Alliance Coaching).  

Many times teachers and school staff really do care about the child being discussed.  Unfortunately, there are some people who attend these meetings that just don't get it~~  They don't understand: the disability, special ed law, how much a parent is fully informed, evidence-based programs, how all the negative experiences are damaging the child's self-esteem, why parents care so much about their child, appropriate education, and so on....

I don't know why I am shocked by what is said in these meetings cause I've heard it all (oh and someday I'll write a book on this subject).  I'm not looking forward to the school meetings for my own children this year because there will be some new staff members attending.  See, I already have an interesting reputation in my school district so I never know what to expect.  

I have made some words of wisdom buttons that can be printed and pinned to the front of your shirt or added to the top of your child's notebook (you really need to have a notebook of all your child's past reports & articles on special ed law/your child's disabilities).  

Here are a few (I'll be posting some to my Forest Alliance Coaching Facebook page every once in a while so like that FB page to check out some new ones when posted- I posted a couple there todayForest Alliance Coaching on Facebook).

Cartoon Saturday - Harness energy

Cartoon Saturday - Family Circus ADHD

*The character, Billy, in the comic The Family Circus is a great example of an ADHD mind.  Love these!!

How to have a positive school to build self-esteem of all students

I do not always share my personal stories with you for a couple of reasons: one I am trained as a counselor/therapist and have been conditioned to stay focused on the client; and two, my story isn’t just about me but it is also the story of my family members and not completely mine to share.  With that said here’s a story I think is worth sharing:

As many of you know I have a private practice diagnosing all types of learning disabilities and providing coaching/counseling services.  I am also dyslexic, dysgraphic, and have ADD – a Dragonfly.  I knew that I didn’t fit in from the time I was in 1^st grade.  I spent years hiding the fact that I couldn’t read, spell, or write like my peers.  I learned how to use my strengths in order to fit in via a variety of other ways but was hyper-aware of all others who didn’t fit in and became in “inclusionist.”  I made a life out of finding other Dragonflies and helping them set and achieve goals. I have always been the one who goes to the person standing alone, invites people to sit with me who are searching for a seat, and include others in conversations if they are standing near me (I also have a number of deaf friends so I'm use to making sure everyone is on the same page in a conversation).  In other words, I seek out others to make sure they are included.  This is just a part of my nature and always will be.  I have a hard time with people who are excluders, people who ignore others, are out for themselves at all cost, and are bullies.   I also wanted to be the best mom to my children, knowing they too would be Dragonflies (I married a Dragonfly so it was inevitable).  

Here’s the story:

My oldest son has a new girl “friend” and for some reason I asked him if this new “friend” knows that he is dyslexic and dysgraphic?  He harshly stated, “NO WAY.”  I was surprised by his reaction and asked how he feels about being dyslexic and dysgraphic.  He shared with me that he is SO embarrassed and ashamed that he doesn’t want anyone to ever know.  I thought “wow this is my kid… really?”  He admitted that he would rather be considered “lazy” than dyslexic and dysgraphic.  I cried.  This is not what I wanted for my child; insecurity and shame.

I went to my other two children and asked them how they feel about being dyslexic and dysgraphic (and one is also ADD).  My middle son and my daughter both told me that they are comfortable and confident with who they are and are not ashamed.  They both reported they wish their brain was like other kids because sometimes learning new things was challenging.  My middle son told me that he only wishes he could have an English teacher accept him for who he is someday.  This son is actually a very creative and gifted writer but always ends up with English teachers who focus on his errors instead of his talent (one of his goals is to become a published author like Avi, Henry Winkler, or John Irving – and I know he will someday).

So how did only two of my three children become comfortable and confident with being dyslexic and dysgraphic despite me raising them in a supportive and accepting home? 

Here’s how:

When my oldest son entered kindergarten I believed in the education system.  I am from a family of educators and thought the only things that needed changed were some teaching methods and curriculums.  Over time I learned I was wrong, dead wrong!  The whole system needed changing but I didn’t really discover this until my oldest was in 3^rd grade (he’s now going into his junior year).  From that year on I was on a mission to change the whole education system from a competitive shaming environment that excluded children who didn’t fit into a system that includes all children, appreciates diversity, fosters empathy, and all students are educated individually and appropriately.

 

This no longer was just about assuring that an Orton-Gillingham approach of reading was available to all students, it was about changing the culture and climate of schools!  Let me tell you that this battle is even harder than just adding a new methods and approaches to the curriculum.  For example, the school district that my children attend now requires every intervention teacher to be trained in the OG based reading program, Wilson; but many of the schools still have a strong “us versus them” competitive academic environment.  I'm on a mission to help improve schools cultures and climates so they are a positive place for all students. I have worked on these changes in a non-aggressive, supportive, collaborative approach and by working directly with administrators in districts and having free workshops for parents, teachers, and administrators. 

As a result of my lessons learned from the experiences with my oldest child, my younger children had a much better experience in school (not great but better).  I no longer just focus on getting appropriate services for my younger two children I also focus on influencing the perceptions of the teachers and administrators so the culture and climate of the schools can change.  So instead of having 4 years of shaming and academic competition like my oldest received the younger two had more experiences where their strengths were praised (although I could tell you some stories where some teachers/administrators refused to comply and were/are as stubborn as toddlers – it’s still a work in progress).  

Here are some things I have learned:  How to change the culture & climate of a school

Finally, here are some great videos that really drive home this point by Richard Lavoie:

Competition part 1 - 7 min

Competition part 2 - 7 min

Competition part 3 - 7 min