The Dragonfly Forest

They have been given names such as devil’s darning needle, ear sewer, horse stinger, skeeter hawk, and the snake’s servant. Actually, Dragonflies are beneficial, peaceful, and stunning. You are a Dragonfly if you are: ADD/ADHD, dyslexic, dysgraphic, Asperger’s, NLVD, autistic…

Showing posts with label Brene Brown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brene Brown. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Understanding shame

We don't always understand another person's perspective because we do not live the same life or have the same experiences and emotions.  Sometimes we may not even agree with another person's choices due to our own experiences and beliefs. 

What we still need to do is work on accepting others unconditionally so the other person feels understood and not shamed.  

Shaming happens often even when it is not intended. Shame is very powerful and we need to work on stopping the shame.  

I've shared this video before a few times but will share it again here- Brene Brown discusses shame with Oprah...  


(Direct link: Shame is lethal
So thinking about your own shame and that others may be dealing with.  It may help you understand yourself and others better!  Here are some other past posts on shame: Shame and why it needs to Stop & Shame it needs to stop and how to help



Monday, June 8, 2015

Motivational Monday Vulnerability is a good thing

I speak a lot about shame and being vulnerable.  I'm a big fan of Dr. Brene Brown.  Here are a couple past posts on these subjects:  Shame it needs to STOP and How to help! and Shame and why it needs to stop.

Today, for Motivational Monday I'm going to be vulnerable for a moment and share some personal ways that I have learned to battle my own shame and open myself up to being vulnerable. 

Over the years I had to hide the fact that I didn't read well, I never wanted anyone to know how slow I read because I knew that they would judge me.  I never felt that I was "smart enough."  Because of these experiences I learned ways to cope. I learned ways to communicate verbally to get what I wanted and developed some very intense empathy skills.  

Eventually in school I realized that I really was very smart and shocked that fellow students who were so "book smart" didn't know how to function in the world around them.  I knew how to ask for thing. I knew how to solve problems. I knew how to advocate for myself and most importantly I knew my strengths.  

I realized that everything in life is a lesson to be learned so if something doesn't work out right then I need to figure out a different way to make it work.  If someone doesn't like me than I need to find people who do appreciate me and get rid of the negative people in my life.  I love Brene Brown's quote: "Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer." 

Does it hurt to fail and know when people do not like you, yes it does.  It hurts a lot!  What we have to remember these are real feelings because we are alive and because we have empathy.  Being alive and having empathy is much better than being like the haters who are numb.  The pain of failing just means you are trying and that is much better than the pain of regret for never trying.  

So, know this- You are of value, you are worthy, you are enough!  When you are open to being vulnerable you will be open for a more joyful and creative life - this I promise.  Again, you will feel pain at times but remember that these are just growing pains on the way to having the best life possible.  

HUGS & HIGH FIVES!



Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Things to do for International Day of Persons with Disabilities!

Today is International Day of Persons with Disabilities and I would like to point out that we, as a society, should be more open to discussing all types of disabilities!   It makes me sad that when schools teach about diversity they exclude the diversity of disabilities and yet disabled people make up the largest and most disadvantaged minority in the world!  

Diversity education programs completely ignore the largest minority group in the world!  Wow that's something to really think about!  We as a society need to do better!  We need to stop discriminating against students with disabilities!  

We really do need to embrace all types of disabilities and stop the shame!  I continue to post that students with disabilities are more likely to commit suicide in hopes that teachers, parents, and school counselors will read this article and make changes to the way they deal with students with disabilities - especially hidden disabilities because these students are NOT lazy!  Stop the Shaming!!!  

Stop teaching anti-bullying because that only focuses on bullying and start teaching empathy because what we focus on we expand and I would rather students aware of being kind to others than looking out for bullies and bullying behaviors - to learn more check out: Empathy the Antidote to Bullying, Bias, and Bigotry!   

Also, teach about disabilities in your diversity education programs - really stop excluding this important minority group!  

Finally, practice EMPATHY!  Watch this video to learn what the difference between empathy & sympathy!  Help make the world a better place!  


Sunday, July 27, 2014

Spiritual Sunday- Why you shouldn't listen to those who criticize you!





You WILL have people in your life who criticize you, judge you, and put you down!  People do this for a variety of reasons.  I wrote about Why People are Mean in the past but this post is about people not being supportive.  One of the reasons people are not supportive and spend their efforts and energy putting you down or criticizing you is because the OTHER person has issues.

It isn't about YOU.  

So my message to you on this Spiritual Sunday is to always be positive toward others.  Just because they are treating you poorly and judging you does not mean you have to do the same.  It takes more courage and strength to be the better person.  It take courage to get out there and do what you are doing so don't ever listen to the people who criticize yet do not have the courage to do what you are doing.  

Here's a great video from my hero-

BrenĂ© Brown - "Why Your Critics Aren't The Ones Who Count"  

















Monday, May 5, 2014

Motivational Monday - Asking for help


I have been struggling over the past few years.  Somehow things seem to be getting worse, and I'm hoping that they will eventually get better.

I have been working hard asking for help from others. Not just my usual, "hey, when you get a chance would you mind doing..." or "if you can will would you help me with..."  These ways are actually me minimizing the importance of my needs.

I am a giver and have always helped others at the drop of a hat, but it has never been easy for ME to ask for help.  I knew that one of the reasons I don't ask for help was because I felt it would be very hypocritical.  Here I am a "helper" of others, and I need help. That's like the professional organizer's home is a disaster and she is actually a closet hoarder, but she goes into the homes of others and helps get them organized and cleaned up.  If I need help then who am I to be the one providing help.

I learned from Brene Brown's work that if I cannot ask for help without self-judgment, then I am actually judging others when I am helping them.  This was a slap in the face for me to digest this concept because judging another person goes against my moral and ethical codes.  Sadly, she is so right - watch this short clip to see this discussion between Brene and Oprah:  



So what do I do when I learn that I've been "doing it wrong?"  I work on making changes to become a better person.  Remember I really do live my life by only being in competition with myself and no one else so I want to be the best I can be even if that means admitting I've been wrong.  

I have now been able to define the box I was living in - judging myself and others in relation to asking for help.  With my box defined, I needed to step outside of this box and become better and stronger.  Being outside of my box is being outside of my comfort zone but needed.

One might think all that is needed to change is self-awareness and some actions, but change isn't about just me it is about others around me as well.  For example, I have been asking for help more than I ever had from the school - teachers, administrators, and so on...  I never knew that just asking for help wouldn't be enough.  I discovered that others in the world are NOT like me and they do not jump at the chance to help someone in need.  I discovered that most people are judging others who ask for help (wow there sure are a lot of people negatively judging themselves too). These were shocking because when I see a person or even an animal in need I run to help, I jump right in and see what I can too, and I genuinely care about making life better for others.  

I will not go into all the details, but I can assure you that you would be shocked to learn what happens when I ask (via face-to-face conversations & emails) for some help for my children.  It is assumed that people in education are in the profession because they care about children learning but that is not always the case when a parent asks for help (well, at least when I ask for help).

I'll admit these experiences have brought me to my knees many times and I have had many sleepless nights because of the tears and feelings of fear, anxiety, and total even panic!   I continue to ask for help the best way I know how but it has been a trying process with more lessons I care to learn.   I'll be frank the pain of asking for help for your child makes a parent feel powerless and sometimes hopeless.  It hurts to know that I have asked, begged, pleaded, and groveled so far outside my box that I now feel shame.  

I don't want to feel shame.  I should not be feeling shame about asking for help; I should be feeling proud of myself for going outside the box. I should be proud that I am a parent who is willing to go above and beyond to help her children and most of the time I am but I don't feel this way after I ask for help and receive little to no support.  When I ask for help, and nothing changes, I ask for help again a few months later (stronger this time) and then still nothing changes.  Now, after many months of throwing myself out there taking risks, pleading for help, and still nothing changed. Well, I'm sure one thing changed - I am more negatively judged by all those I've been asking to help my children and me.  

If I were not being judged negatively (and my children) then those I've begged to help us would have actually provided assistance. Things would have changed.  My children would be learning exactly what they needed to learn and the teachers would be teaching it to them in a way so they can learn.  Administrators would be stepping up to assure that no child is failing, no child is bullied, and no child is excluded but these things have not changed, and the adults in the situations have not performed their job duties. So, I am left wondering why-why ask for help if help will never even be given.  

I wonder this every day.  I wonder if I should take all the years of documents I have (emails, notes, IEP's, journal entries...) and go ahead an pay the attorney's retainer fee so I can ask for help from the courts.  Although I have had meetings with the special ed lawyer over the years, I have never wanted to ask for help from high levels of the educational and legal systems until now.  I always believed that schools would just do the right things so there would be no need to go above the school district but now I regret this line of thinking.  I've wasted years by asking for help from the school at the school level.  So my lesson I have learned here is once help is asked for explicitly and directly and there is no evidence of this help after 9 weeks it is time to move up to high levels to ask for help.  I want to help other parents by not making my mistakes because our children really do matter!  

All children matter!  Know it is okay to ask for help but also know it is okay to ask for help from the Department of Education and the Legal system.  There is no shame in not being able to advocate for your children by yourself sometimes you need to ask for help. Stop judging yourself for asking for help!  Asking for help does NOT make you a bad parent or your child a bad or lazy child.  Asking for help is good, and things are great when the person you ask help from has empathy and really does care, so they actually do help.  This can happen but be prepared to go higher up in the chain of command if support is not occurring and don't stop until change really does happen because your children are worth it. 











Sunday, March 16, 2014

Spiritual Sunday - Saying "I'm Sorry" and empathy

Saying “I’m sorry.” 
When you are a parent and your child experiences emotional pain, you also experience emotional pain.  To help your child survive this pain you will do whatever it takes.  If a child is crushed because they are disappointed that they did not make a team you provide comfort and support.  If your child is dealing with bullies at school you help build your child’s self-esteem and contact the school in hopes to getting some help stopping these things from occurring.  The list goes on and on- if you are a parent you know exactly what I am talking about.

People with empathy can understand a person when they are having emotional (or physical) pain.  A person with empathy says to the person in pain- “I’m sorry you are going through this,” “I’m so sorry you are experiences pain right now, thank you for sharing this with me.”

When one of my children was experiencing intense emotional pain from years of bullying and lack of school support.  I did what any parent would do- get him help outside of school and email the right people at the school asking for help.  Help didn’t come for over 24 hours.  When I finally got a call regarding my cry for help I stated, “Thank you so much for calling he was so sad that no one was able to meet with him at school yesterday.”  To that comment the professional, who had counseling training, became very defensive and started yelling at me that she didn’t see him yesterday when she received the email because she had other things she has to do.  She was reacting this way because she knew that my cry for help was required by law to be addressed and she didn’t do her job so she wanted to attack me.  As I cried on the phone she asked me, “what did you want me to do?” (in a harsh and nasty tone btw).  I told her hearing “I’m sorry you are going through this, would be helpful” she screamed again that she isn’t going to say she is sorry because she didn’t DO anything wrong.
 
This was one of the biggest ah-ha moments for me.  As a trained therapist and highly empathetic person I always reach out to others in pain.  I have no problem saying “I’m sorry you are experiencing something bad.”  I was shocked that a person with a counseling background doesn’t understand the importance of empathy and assumes that “I’m sorry” means she did something wrong. 
By the way, I had to be the “counselor” in the phone call with the school person and defuse the situation by letting them know “I’m sorry you are so overwhelmed by you job.”  I said this in a very supportive concerning tone and it worked- she felt understood and she stopped screaming at me.  Although, as a parent I would have appreciated not having to be the professional in this phone call, but remember what I said at the beginning- us parents do whatever it takes to help our children! 

Today, on Spiritual Sunday, I ask you to reflect on your own empathy and ability to say you are sorry.  Are you strong enough to be vulnerable enough to say “I’m sorry.”  Do you understand the difference between “I’m sorry – I’ve done something wrong” and “I’m sorry you are experiencing this?”  Empathy is what makes relationships excel and become stronger.  It makes the world a better place but you cannot be empathetic if you are not able to say “I’m sorry.” 

I’m able to say “I’m sorry” because I am comfortable with myself.  I have empathy for others.  I can see the world through others eyes and really understand what it is like to live in the shoes of another person. 
I know I’ve posted this before but here’s a quick video of Brene Brown explaining empathy. 




So please today, reach out to others and show empathy.  If someone shares that they are in pain then tell them in a supportive tone (no sarcasm please!)  “I’m so sorry you feel this way, thank you for sharing” or “I’m so sorry you have to experience (whatever they are experiencing).”


Monday, December 9, 2013

Shame it needs to STOP and How to help!

Although everyone experiences shame in their lives, people with learning disabilities have to battle shame more often than their non-learning disabled peers.  When children with learning disabilities begins school they learn very quickly that adults (and peers) in their lives think less than ideal about them either via implied or direct messages.  These messages hurt and make the children feel less-than, worthless, stupid, unlovable… Eventually these messages become shame-ridden scripts replayed over and over damaging their self-esteem and leaving deep scars.  Here's a previous post regarding Brene Brown and her research on Shame.

Shame is different than guilt.  Guilt is when you feel bad because of something you did while shame is when you feel bad because you believe you ARE bad.  For example, when a student fails a test one student may feel bad that they just didn’t study hard enough (guilt) while another student feels that HE/SHE is a failure (shame).   Research has provided evidence that shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, eating disorders, bullying, aggression, and violence.  These are also highly comorbid (common) in students with learning disabilities - this is connected to SHAME!  Here's a previous post about Depression in children what you need to know

Imagine if you will, a first grade student with undiagnosed dyslexia, I’ll call him Charlie.  The students in the classroom are learning to read and although the teacher is teaching the students all the same way and Charlie is putting forth great effort, he just can’t seem to grasp reading skills.  His teacher feeling her own guilt (and/or shame) because no matter what she does he just can’t seem to learn to read or his reading is inconsistent.  Charlie’s parents are experiencing anxiety thinking something is wrong and Charlie overhears his parents discussing their concerns and begins to think something is wrong with HIM. 

Charlie’s parents meet with his teacher to discuss their concerns and are either validated and made to feel they are on the right path or dismissed as over-concerned parents and minimized.  A variety of scenarios will occur here – the school may be receptive right away and assure Charlie is educated appropriately with an Orton-Gillingham method and parent anxiety is reduced so Charlie is less likely to perceive that HE is stupid or something wrong with HIM – or the other extreme and the school denies Charlie has a disability, blames parents and/or Charlie for his lack of learning, refuses to evaluate, attacks parents for wanting to “label” their child,  and therefore Charlie’s parents become more scared for Charlie, his teacher becomes more defensive (due to her own shame or guilt or because her hands are tied by the school) and Charlie now KNOWS that there is something wrong with him that he is stupid.   Most scenarios are fall somewhere in between but the point here is how easy it is for Charlie to feel shame because he is struggling with reading all because he is dyslexic and therefore needs to be taught to read via an Orton-Gillingham approach and that many teachers and parents don’t know about dyslexia so they are not able to tell Charlie that there is nothing wrong with HIM. 

Charlie may share his feelings of shame by saying things like “I’m stupid” or “I’m a failure” but he also may be displaying his shame behaviorally through depression, anger, acting silly, or even avoiding activities that make him feel bad about himself.  When Charlie shares his feelings of shame either verbally or behaviorally, he is validated, minimized, or gets into trouble- then the cycle of shame continues.  Charlie’s peers become part of this cycle as well.  Sometimes it is as obvious as name calling (block-head) but sometimes (and most often) it is relational aggression where he becomes the student that no one picks to partner with or excluded socially.  These only reinforce Charlie’s negative scripts of shame. 

Sometimes Charlie finds a strength and will focus on that strength to counter some of the feelings of shame.  Maybe Charlie is great at tennis so he excels on the tennis court – for some kids this is enough protection from shame invading their whole life.  Charlie, however, is good at some things and could possibly be great if an adult would just step in and nurture his strengths to reduce the pain of the shame.  Unfortunately, adults only view Charlie as lazy, unmotivated, not living up to his potential, annoying, stupid, or a trouble-maker so they don’t want to bother with him.  Again, more validation that Charlie is right, something is wrong with HIM-- he is not good enough! 

I could go on and on about Charlie’s life, explain how shame permeates everything he does, how hard it is for him to be successful because he doesn’t experience much success and when he does experience success he has such a negative self-script that it is difficult for him to accept the success, how teachers and the system consistently add to his bucket of shame (either intentionally or unintentionally) or how the way he deals with shame are often not productive but I won’t because I think you get the picture.

Instead I want to help you see ways we can help Charlie and other kids like Charlie.  I used dyslexia as my example but it can be replaced with any type of disability (ADHD, Dysgraphia, Asperger’s…) and the results would be the same.  I’d like to point out that the more hidden a disability the more likely that the child will have intense shame.  This is because it is not socially acceptable to call a student lazy if she is struggling to get her wheelchair to move instead, we provide her assistance --but it does seem to be acceptable for teachers to call or imply a student is lazy when they are struggling academically and/or socially. 

Ways to make change:

We must first recognize the difference between shame and guilt.  Guilt is “I feel terrible I ate too much over the holidays, I should start working out more” and shame is “I ate too much over the holidays, I’m so fat, I have no self-control, I hate myself…”  Or from the perspective of a young child who lost a game: guilt is “Darn I lost, I feel bad so I’ll have to practice and I’ll eventually win” and shame is “I lost again, I’m such a loser.”   

We need to openly talk about shame and know that everyone experiences shame.  When we hide shame we only allow it to grow more deadly.  We have lost too many people to suicide, especially kids – kids are not killing themselves because of guilt they are killing themselves because they feel shame!  When we shine light on shame and call it out into the open it can no longer hide and we can battle it head on. 

We need to stop putting a negative stigma on mental health disorders (depression, anxiety, bi-polar…) and learning disabilities (I’ll stop calling them disabilities by the way, when we can openly accept and embrace all of them and there is no shame in having any of them – in the mean time I must use the word disability so that educators understand the severity of the problem the student is struggling with)!  When we are proud to share that we are depressed, dyslexic, or ADHD and people/teachers do not make judgments but instead accept us as we are, then and only then will shame be reduced.   


We must label kids appropriately and as early as possible.  Research provides evidence that the earlier a child is diagnosed the less shame and negative effects they experience later on.  Sometimes parents are told “don’t label your child” or “why do you want to label your child.”  The thing is the child is already getting miss labeled which is filling them with shame.  The correct label will reduce this shame.  When adults are finally accurately diagnosed there is a sense of relief that they are not all the negative things they thought they were, they were just dyslexic, ADHD, or have Asperger’s.  You hear about this from the likes of Steven Spielberg, Susan Boyles, Henry Winkler, and so forth. Wouldn't it be great if we can stop the shame before it even begins? 



We need to teach empathy in schools and STOP teaching bullying prevention programs (Empathy is the antidote to bullying).  What we focus on expands and therefore by focusing on bullying and differences we are priming our students to look for bullying and differences.  When we teach empathy we instill in our students the skills needed to see the world through the eyes of others and a result is a more positive support world where people care openly and honestly about others.  A place where there is less shame because when a student hears his peer say “I’m stupid, I failed that test” and that student can tell his peer – “failing a test doesn’t make you stupid in fact, you are so good at [fill in the blank] remember we learn from our mistakes.” 


We need to celebrate all students and stop excluding those that don’t fit the ‘super-star’ mold.  Have you ever been to a graduation or award ceremony that shames those who are not in the spotlight?  This is very common – I wrote about one such event months ago Stop the Shaming but the gist is if the educators had empathy they would be able to see things from the perspective of all the students who were not showered with accolades and at least acknowledge their existence. When students with learning disabilities have to sit in these award events remember they have a negative shaming script running through their heads that tell them the reason they are not getting an award is because they are NOT good enough, they are stupid, or unworthy.  Is that really the message educators want to send – no, but it is still happening.  

I could continue but want you to digest what I have already written.  Don’t worry my Dragonfly friends, I will discuss this again. 

I want to leave you with this…  




**By the way - did anyone think of this Charlie when I discussed the "Charlie" above?  I was not referring to Charlie Brown but I hope you can see the shame that Charlie Brown experienced cause if so, you are developing or have empathy!  






Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Shame and why it needs to stop


Stop the shaming – part 2! 

I frequently speak about the importance of moving away from shame and toward empathy but often people do not understand this concept.  For one, they do not understand what shame is and how they contribute to causing shame.  Even the person with the best intentions maybe causing shame.  Secondly, shaming can and should be stopped in homes, schools, sports fields… 

So what is shame?  According to Gershen Kaufman, "Shame is the most disturbing experience individuals ever have about themselves; no other emotion feels more deeply disturbing because in the moment of shame the self feels wounded from within.” 

Shame researcher, Dr. BrenĂ© Brown, describes shame as, “The intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging.”  

Here is a video that explains how "Shame is Lethal" by Dr. BrenĂ© Brown~~


We need to understand how events are perceived (remember one of my favorite sayings: “A person’s perception IS their reality”).   When events occur a person develops an internal cognitive script about this event.  Let me use an example from a recent posting I did on graduations and ceremonies:Stop the Shaming.  If a students must sit for a period of time watching “academic high achieving” and “socially popular” students honored with awards yet not receive any accolades themselves they may have negative scripts running through their heads – “I’m not smart enough; I stupid; No one likes me; I’ll never achieve; I try so hard but no one sees so maybe I’ll just stop trying…”  This is shame. No one came out and said these things to these students but due to their own experiences and frames of references these were the scripts they said to themselves thus this was their reality.

Some of you think we should put students who fit society standards on a pedestal so those who do not fit these standards can look up to them and strive to be just like them.  I say this is the wrong approach.  It not only shames students who do not fit these standards; it perpetuates the culture of shame.  Here’s a quote from a recent post on Facebook by “Dyslexics Rights” in response to a new article about graduation rates:  “Dropout rates so high! How can high schools seriously celebrate on graduation day when they have left so many behind? Really? How can you pretend like you didn't know those kids who tried but didn't make it?”

Watch here to see another reason why we need to shop shaming: "Why Shame is so prevalent in classrooms." " 


**note: the video above was removed because some teachers felt that it was negative toward teachers- here's Dr. BrenĂ© Brown explaining http://brenebrown.com/2013/09/29/teachers-shame-worthiness-lesson-learned/

SO WHAT TO DO!
As I have preached over and over we need to teach EMPATHY!  Not only do we need to teach empathy to all children but also to adults.  We are a society that condones and encourages shame.  There are still teachers and coaches that believe that shame makes a child become more successful and motivated.  Research has proven this to be wrong, yet it is still an acceptable classroom management tool and our schools are set up to reward some students while shaming others. 

We need to teach self-acceptance and honor self-expression over conformity.  Did you know that conformist societies have higher suicide rates?  So have empathy for yourself on a daily basis.  

We need to help students (and ourselves) embrace who we are and accept all of our emotions.  Here is a great blog post  that provides insight into the writer’s experience with overcoming shame.  Aspergers and Me Blog:  “Shame does not make me better.  Rejecting shame does.”  

Finally, remember my Dragonfly Friends you are great just the way you are.  When times get tough and you have this negative script of shame know that I believe in you and will accept you for who you are.  Repeat these phrase to yourself: “I am a valuable person who has great things to offer the world,”  “My mistakes do not define me they only make me wiser and stronger,” and “I make this world a better place because I am an important and unique individual.”