Dr. King & Lessons from A Class Divided

I've been so busy working and being the voice of those who are discriminated against that I have not been able to post on here.  I have decided to re-share a past post for my first 2019 post for Martin Luther King Jr. Day. 

To start, watch-- "A Class Divided." 

Direct Link to A Class Divided if the above video doesn't work

Yes, Jane Elliott’s Brown Eyes/Blue Eyes is a powerful video on racism.  It gives insights into the personal experiences of how we discriminate based on the attribute of the color of eyes or the color of one’s skin.  Let’s think outside of the box on this one and see how this is also a great lesson on how we treat people with learning disabilities (Dyslexia, ADHD, Dysgraphia, Asperger’s….) and other types of disabilities (physical, deaf, blind…) in school settings. 

To help you understand this, I’m going to explain it as “Butterflies” vs. “Dragonflies.”  Butterflies are “typical” students who learn easily, have athletic and/or academic talents, and viewed by others as beautiful.  Dragonflies, on the other hand, are students with disabilities and challenges (with or without IEP/504’s); they struggle academically, athletically, socially, and/or emotionally; and are viewed by others as scary, not fitting in, and different.   In school environments, it is often assumed that “Butterflies are better than Dragonflies.” 

The Butterflies are more likely to be given extra opportunities in schools such as crossing guard or member of the student council.  Teachers are concerned if they give Dragonflies positions of responsibilities, they will not be able to handle the job, or the Dragonfly doesn't deserve a reward--so Butterflies get the special treatment.   

Butterflies are picked more often for awards and accolades because they are “easy to teach” and “well-liked by their teachers and peers.”   For more details on this, check out my post on Stop the Shaming: why ceremonies and graduations need to change.  The Dragonflies are often not given these awards and accolades because they are so challenging to teach; they may be experiencing Learned Helplessness (explained in the linked post) from the years of discrimination, shame, and pain that they have just given up trying; they just don’t fit in socially.

Butterflies are given positive reinforcements in the classroom while the Dragonflies often receive negative reinforcements.  When you observe an elementary classroom room where a teacher has a Colored behavior chart, more Dragonflies are on Yellow and Red than Butterflies.    The Butterflies are most likely on Green and get to run particular errands for teachers or get to sit in special places in the room. 

As you can see, the list of the differences can go on and on, yet the key point is how Dragonflies are not just discriminated against by their teachers this treatment is seen as acceptable to their peers as well. Students model the behaviors of the teachers. 

So when thinking about Martin Luther King Jr. today, think about how we still treat students who learn differently (academically or socially) as less than the students who are “Mainstream” learners.  Dragonflies are often excluded from classes that Butterflies receive automatically, such as gym, art, and other electives because the Dragonflies need extra teacher support to learn. Schools require students to take these foreign language classes. Although students with learning disabilities would benefit from Sign Language, it is too much trouble to make this happen, so they just have to struggle (causing emotional pain) or not participate (excluded from a class open to non-disabled peers).  For some reason it seems acceptable to the adults to take away opportunities from Dragonfly students using the reasoning that teachers can’t work beyond school hours, it would cost too much to provide the services, or they don't want to make a specific accommodation.  For more details on this visit, the following post: Dr. King’s Legacy Regarding Discrimination in Education.

So here is my question to you: What are we really teaching our children in schools?  Are we teaching them empathy, or are we teaching them discrimination?  By excluding the Dragonfly students from the events and opportunities that are freely given to Butterflies, we are condoning discrimination.  I am often told that the Butterflies have “earned” these privileges, but the Dragonflies have not so they do not deserve them.  So you really think that because Little Johnny can’t read that he should have to be pulled from gym, art, or recess so he can be taught to read?   By the way, maybe we should go back to teaching students using the Orton-Gillingham reading program- look for this scene in the movie!

Maybe you think it is safer to not have Little Sarah as the library helper because she has impulsive ADHD and may get lost in the hallway or forget what she was doing (or is it really because it would just be easier for you to not have to supervisor her so you will send the “responsible” student).   Then there is the socially awkward student and wanted to be a “student leader,” but you think that a different student would be a better role model (the 'popular' student).  By denying students these opportunities, you are discriminating against them and perpetuating the belief that there really is something wrong with Dragonflies.  

We need to practice lessons we have learned from Dr. King: "The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically.  But education which stops with efficiency may prove the greatest menace to society. The most dangerous criminal may be the man gifted with reason but no morals. We must remember that intelligence is not enough.  Intelligence plus character- that is the goal of true education." 

How to Think Outside of the Box

Let me share with you one of the coaching sessions I have with clients.  This works for anyone!  The goal of this session is to learn about who you are and who you want to become.

First –watch this video (don’t worry it is under 18 minutes)

Michael Bahr, Education Director for the Utah Shakespeare Festival

 Direct Link for: Thinking outside of a box requires a box

*if there is not a video in the space above please click here to access the link

Second - Now let’s review a few things:

In order to be “outside of a box” you need to know the box.  You are a box – your disability is a box– your life is a box.  For each box you need to comply with the following rules.

Rules:

1.   Know your box
2.   Embrace your box
3.   Push outside of the box
4.   Build your own box - & live by the rules of the box
5.   REPEAT

Third – Start with one aspect of your life - here we will focus on your disability. 

1 – Know yourself:  Learn about your likes and dislikes.  Define your values.  Discover your passions and interests.    

2 – Embrace the yourself:  Appreciate everything about you. Know you are not perfect so embrace your imperfections! Accept this is your life, interests, talents...

3 – Push outside of yourself:  Don’t get comfortable inside this box of YOU - now you must challenge yourself to be outside of the box.  Go beyond what you think you can do and expand who you are.   

4 – Now build this new box:  Define what this new life looks like and live this life.  

5 - REPEAT:  You must keep doing this or you will get stuck in a box again.  Don’t ever stay in a box & never let anyone keep you in a box.  (“Nobody puts Baby in a corner!”  Quote from Dirty Dancing.  *Sorry, my movie quote obsession oozing out of me).

Finally, you can do this with all aspects of your life so go out there and get “outside the box!”  

Ways to deal with unwanted advice, judgment, and opinions from family and friends during the holiday season

 It is holiday time again, and I think it is important to discuss ways to stay positive when feeling judged by family and friends.  Sometimes others do not understand what it is like to be a Dragonfly or to raise a Dragonfly, which leads to unwanted advice, judgment, and opinions.    Comments can range from the covert "Where is his/her coat?" to the more overt "My child would NEVER do/act like that."  or "If they were MY child, they would behave." 

First, remember you have the power to choose how you will react. Do not let them control your behavior with their words.

Second, know that you will NOT change a person's opinions or beliefs unless they are open to changing these opinions and ideas.  

Third, try one of these tactics, depending on what is said:

• Explain instead of defending: "Oh, I thought you knew my son/daughter has [Asperger's, Autism, Dyslexia, ADHD, Dysgraphia...].  His/her behaviors/choices are related to the way the brain is developed.  There's actually a lot to learn about [diagnosis]; if you are ever interested, I'll share some of the research with you."

• Use sarcasm: "Oh, my child has [diagnosis].  What's your excuse for being rude?"  Or, "I'm so glad to know that your parenting skills are so great and your children turned out perfect.  God probably knew that you couldn't handle challenges, so He gave you calm and compliant children.  God knows I'm strong, and therefore He gave me these extra special children who needed a great parent." 

• Use humor:  "Yep, my son/daughter is working on his/her superpowers.  He/she has yet to master the ability to break windows with his/her scream."  

• Ignore the comment and change the subject:  "Oh, hey, I saw on Facebook that you just got a new job what are you doing now."  Or "That's a beautiful sweater where did you get it?  Don't tell me you made it yourself."  

Fourth, you need to know these opinions, judgment, and beliefs are often said out of ignorance, insecurity, or rudeness.  Sometimes people really think they are helpful, but most of the time, people just believe that their opinions of parenting are the "correct" way and yours are wrong.  Remember Confirmation bias (see previous posts for details on this)

The key is to NOT take these thoughts, judgments, and opinions personal.  YOU are doing the best you can do, and that is all that is needed.  You do not need to listen to the advice of others cause YOU are the expert - not them!  

David Raymond's essay is a must read (On Being 17, Bright, and Unable to Read)

This was shared last November 14th but worth sharing again because the school year has begun! 

Message to teachers and parents: Dyslexia is real!  Dyslexia impacts more than just reading and writing but it also impacts a person's self-esteem.  As a person with dyslexia, parent of three children with dyslexia, and a Psycho-educational Diagnostician & Educational Coach (I diagnose all types of learning disabilities & provide coaching/counseling services as well) I can honestly say that I'm disappointed that our educational systems continue to make it difficulty (both academically and social/emotionally) for people with dyslexia to receive an appropriate education.  It's not like Dyslexia is new!  Here's an essay that was written by a student with Dyslexia, David Raymond (born in 1959) while he was in high school and published in the New York Times in 1976.  YES, this was published in 1976 but it could be written by a 17 year old student now, in 2014!!!  There sure is something wrong with our education system if this experience hasn't changed in 38 years!

On Being Seventeen, Bright, and Unable to Read

David Raymond

One day a substitute teacher picked me to read aloud from the textbook. When I told her "No, thank you," she came unhinged. She thought I was acting smart and told me so. I kept calm, and that got her madder and madder. We must have spent 10 minutes trying to solve the problem, and finally she got so red in the face I thought she'd blow up: She told me she'd see me after class.

Maybe someone like me was a new thing for that teacher. But she wasn't new to me. I've been through scenes like that all my life. You see, even though I'm 17 and a junior in high school, I can't read because I have dyslexia. I'm told I read "at a fourth-grade level," but from where I sit, that's not reading. You can't know what that means unless you've been there. It's not easy to tell how it feels when you can't read your homework assignments or the newspaper or a menu in a restaurant or even notes from your own friends.

My family began to suspect I was having problems almost from the first day I started school. My father says my early years in school were the worst years of his life. They weren't so good for me, either. As I look back on it now, I can't find the words to express how bad it really was. I wanted to die. I'd come home from school screaming, "I'm dumb. I'm dumb—I wish I were dead!"

I guess I couldn't read anything at all then—not even my own name—and they tell me I didn't talk as good as other kids. But what I remember about those days is that I couldn't throw a ball where it was supposed to go, I couldn't learn to swim, and I wouldn't learn to ride a bike, because no matter what anyone told me, I knew I'd fail.

Sometimes my teachers would try to be encouraging. When I couldn't read the words on the board they'd say, "Come on, David, you know that word." Only I didn't. And it was embarrassing. I just felt dumb. And dumb was how the kids treated me. They'd make fun of me every chance they got, asking me to spell "cat" or something like that. Even if I knew how to spell it, I wouldn't; they'd only give me another word. Anyway, it was awful, because more than anything I wanted friends. On my birthday when I blew out the candles I didn't wish I could learn to read; what I wished for was that the kids would like me.

With the bad reports coming from school and with me moaning about wanting to die and how everybody hated me, my parents began looking for help. That's when the testing started. The school tested me, the child-guidance center tested me, private psychiatrists tested me. Everybody knew something was wrong—especially me.

           It didn't help much when they stuck a fancy name onto it. I couldn't pronounce it then—I was only in second grade—and I was ashamed to talk about it. Now it rolls off my tongue, because I've been living with it for a lot of years—dyslexia.

        

           All through elementary school it wasn't easy. I was always having to do things that were "different," things the other kids didn't have to do. I had to go to a child psychiatrist, for instance.

One summer my family forced me to go to a camp for children with reading problems. I hated the idea, but the camp turned out pretty good, and I had a good time. I met a lot of kids who couldn't read, and somehow that helped. The director of the camp said I had a higher I.Q. than 90 percent of the population. I didn't believe him.

About the worst thing I had to do in fifth and sixth grade was go to a special education class in another school in our town. A bus picked me up, and I didn't like that at all. The bus also picked up emotionally disturbed kids and retarded kids. It was like going to a school for the retarded. I always worried that someone I knew would see me on that bus. It was a relief to go to the regular junior high school.

Life began to change a little for me then, because I began to feel better about myself. I found the teachers cared; they had meetings about me, and I worked harder for them for a while. I began to work on the potter's wheel, making vases and pots that the teachers said were pretty good. Also, I got a letter for being on the track team. I could always run pretty fast.

At high school the teachers are good, and everyone is trying to help me. I've gotten honors some marking periods, and I've won a letter on the cross country team. Next quarter I think the school might hold a show of my pottery. I've got some friends.  But there are still some embarrassing times. For instance, every time there is writing in the class, I get up and go to the special education room. Kids ask me where I go all the time. Sometimes I say, "to Mars."

Homework is a real problem. During free periods in school I go into the special ed room, and staff members read assignments to me. When I get home my mother reads to me. Sometimes she reads an assignment into a tape recorder, and then I go into my room and listen to it. If we have a novel or something like that to read, she reads it out loud to me. Then I sit down with hen and we do the assignment. She'll write, while I talk my answers to her. Lately I've taken to dictating into a tape recorder, and then someone—my father, a private tutor, or my mother—types up what I've dictated. Whatever homework I do takes someone else's time, too. That makes me feel bad.

We had a big meeting in school the other day—eight of us, four from the guidance department, my private tutor, my parents, and me. The subject was me. I said I wanted to go to college, and they told me about colleges that have facilities and staff to handle people like me. That's nice to hear.

As for what happens after college, I don't know, and I'm worried about that. How can I make a living if I can't read? Who will hire me? How will I fill out the application form? The only thing that gives me any courage is the fact that I've learned about well-known people who couldn't read or had other problems and still made it. Like Albert Einstein, who didn't talk until he was 4 and flunked math. Like Leonardo da Vinci, who everyone seems to think had dyslexia.

I've told this story because maybe some teacher will read it and go easy on a kid in the classroom who has what I've got. Or, maybe some parent will stop nagging his kid and stop calling him lazy. Maybe he's not lazy or dumb. Maybe he just can't read and doesn't know what's wrong. Maybe he's scared, like I was.

 ---Article from the New York Times 1976

I recommend all teachers be given this essay to read (share this blog post or print it out) so that they can understand what it is like to be dyslexic.  I was 10 years old when this was published and how I wish my teachers would have understood what it was like for me in school.  I was mislabeled as lazy and made to feel ashamed that I could not read like my peers.  Like, David , I went on to graduate successfully from college. I earned a Master's Degree and currently working on my Ph.D. dissertation.  What David and I had in common that helped us achieve academic success was an underlying knowledge that we were smart, just learned differently so we had tenacity.  I worry about those who don't know how smart they are and continue to believe they are stupid.  Therefore, I'm on a mission to make sure every person knows how wonderful he/she is and that we don't need to "fit in a box" to achieve success.   

Spiritual Sunday Importance of thinking of others

I am re-sharing this from Feb. 2, 2014 today because I'm shocked at the way some people are treating others.  I've been tempted to make a picture quote saying something like this: "I have no idea what 'life rule' you are following because it can't be the 'Golden Rule' because I'm sure you don't want me treating you as badly as you are treating me.  I'm also sure it can't be the 'Platinum Rule' because I surely don't want to be treated like this.  So since you are treating me so poorly all I can do is be glad that I believe in the 'Karma Rule."  I have not made the pic quote yet because I want to get the right words down & I need to let go of some of the anger.  It makes me angry when I'm treated disrespectfully by someone because I have integrity & I was raised to be respectful.  Obviously, the person who is treating me this way needs some serious help and must have some serious issues!  So here's a re-post of a thinking of others!  Have a great Sunday! 

Do you think of others or are you self-absorbed?  Do you think about how your actions impact the lives and feelings of others? Many people don't.  Many people are so caught up in themselves that they have a narrow and ego-eccentric view of the world and perception that others think and feel what they are feeling.

This kinda relates to what we call in psychology as-- the false-consensus effect or false-consensus bias.  This is when people over-estimate how many people are like them- an assumption that others have the same thoughts, beliefs, values, and experiences.  

We have to remember that everyone has their own frame of reference (personal experiences) that influence their perceptions on events.  If we assume that people are experiencing and event the same way we are then we most likely are wrong.  Yes, sometimes we do have shared similar experiences but most of the time we do not because we are all individuals.  Remember it is more important to follow the Platinum Rule & not the Golden Rule!

Today, when you are with others and they are talking to you about things think about what kind of perception the other people may be having instead of just thinking about how you are perceiving the experience.    

We need to think outside of our perceptions.  Similar to the exercise for "Thinking outside of the box" do this today: 

1.   Know you own perceptions of the world  (beliefs, values, experiences...)
2.   Embrace your perceptions (this is self-acceptance)
3.   Push outside of your perceptions and think about what it is like for the other person!
4.   Practice seeing the perceptions of others so that you can have more empathy and compassion (this needs practice because we revert back to ego-eccentric thinking until we are fluent in this skill)