Dr. King & Lessons from A Class Divided

I've been so busy working and being the voice of those who are discriminated against that I have not been able to post on here.  I have decided to re-share a past post for my first 2019 post for Martin Luther King Jr. Day. 

To start, watch-- "A Class Divided." 

Direct Link to A Class Divided if the above video doesn't work

Yes, Jane Elliott’s Brown Eyes/Blue Eyes is a powerful video on racism.  It gives insights into the personal experiences of how we discriminate based on the attribute of the color of eyes or the color of one’s skin.  Let’s think outside of the box on this one and see how this is also a great lesson on how we treat people with learning disabilities (Dyslexia, ADHD, Dysgraphia, Asperger’s….) and other types of disabilities (physical, deaf, blind…) in school settings. 

To help you understand this, I’m going to explain it as “Butterflies” vs. “Dragonflies.”  Butterflies are “typical” students who learn easily, have athletic and/or academic talents, and viewed by others as beautiful.  Dragonflies, on the other hand, are students with disabilities and challenges (with or without IEP/504’s); they struggle academically, athletically, socially, and/or emotionally; and are viewed by others as scary, not fitting in, and different.   In school environments, it is often assumed that “Butterflies are better than Dragonflies.” 

The Butterflies are more likely to be given extra opportunities in schools such as crossing guard or member of the student council.  Teachers are concerned if they give Dragonflies positions of responsibilities, they will not be able to handle the job, or the Dragonfly doesn't deserve a reward--so Butterflies get the special treatment.   

Butterflies are picked more often for awards and accolades because they are “easy to teach” and “well-liked by their teachers and peers.”   For more details on this, check out my post on Stop the Shaming: why ceremonies and graduations need to change.  The Dragonflies are often not given these awards and accolades because they are so challenging to teach; they may be experiencing Learned Helplessness (explained in the linked post) from the years of discrimination, shame, and pain that they have just given up trying; they just don’t fit in socially.

Butterflies are given positive reinforcements in the classroom while the Dragonflies often receive negative reinforcements.  When you observe an elementary classroom room where a teacher has a Colored behavior chart, more Dragonflies are on Yellow and Red than Butterflies.    The Butterflies are most likely on Green and get to run particular errands for teachers or get to sit in special places in the room. 

As you can see, the list of the differences can go on and on, yet the key point is how Dragonflies are not just discriminated against by their teachers this treatment is seen as acceptable to their peers as well. Students model the behaviors of the teachers. 

So when thinking about Martin Luther King Jr. today, think about how we still treat students who learn differently (academically or socially) as less than the students who are “Mainstream” learners.  Dragonflies are often excluded from classes that Butterflies receive automatically, such as gym, art, and other electives because the Dragonflies need extra teacher support to learn. Schools require students to take these foreign language classes. Although students with learning disabilities would benefit from Sign Language, it is too much trouble to make this happen, so they just have to struggle (causing emotional pain) or not participate (excluded from a class open to non-disabled peers).  For some reason it seems acceptable to the adults to take away opportunities from Dragonfly students using the reasoning that teachers can’t work beyond school hours, it would cost too much to provide the services, or they don't want to make a specific accommodation.  For more details on this visit, the following post: Dr. King’s Legacy Regarding Discrimination in Education.

So here is my question to you: What are we really teaching our children in schools?  Are we teaching them empathy, or are we teaching them discrimination?  By excluding the Dragonfly students from the events and opportunities that are freely given to Butterflies, we are condoning discrimination.  I am often told that the Butterflies have “earned” these privileges, but the Dragonflies have not so they do not deserve them.  So you really think that because Little Johnny can’t read that he should have to be pulled from gym, art, or recess so he can be taught to read?   By the way, maybe we should go back to teaching students using the Orton-Gillingham reading program- look for this scene in the movie!

Maybe you think it is safer to not have Little Sarah as the library helper because she has impulsive ADHD and may get lost in the hallway or forget what she was doing (or is it really because it would just be easier for you to not have to supervisor her so you will send the “responsible” student).   Then there is the socially awkward student and wanted to be a “student leader,” but you think that a different student would be a better role model (the 'popular' student).  By denying students these opportunities, you are discriminating against them and perpetuating the belief that there really is something wrong with Dragonflies.  

We need to practice lessons we have learned from Dr. King: "The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically.  But education which stops with efficiency may prove the greatest menace to society. The most dangerous criminal may be the man gifted with reason but no morals. We must remember that intelligence is not enough.  Intelligence plus character- that is the goal of true education." 

Why Bill Gates is a Part of the Educational Problem

There’s an article going around the internet posted by Huffington Post titled: Gates Says Fixing Education Toughest Challenge.  In this article Gates is quoted as saying: "And the one thing we have a lot of in the United States is unmotivated students.”

Wow, this is not reality.  We do not have UNMOTIVATED students we have students who have not been educated appropriately and therefore they have developed Learned Helplessness. I wrote an article on The Importance of Changing Learned Helplessness in Students with Disabilities and would love for Mr. & Mrs. Gates to understand the reality of why students are not being successful.  I know of many very intelligent students who dropped out or failed out because of this Learned Helplessness experience.  This article was very popular and I received a number of emails from people who wanted to tell me their story because this was exactly what they were/had experienced. 

I later received emails and phone calls from parents who were frustrated because they took the Learned Helplessness article (or emailed it) to the school and the staff often disregarded the student developed learned helplessness and continued to blame it on being unmotivated and unwilling.  This prompted me to write another article: Why We Should Help Studentswith Learning Disabilities. 

We need to admit that we as a nation are doing it wrong when it comes to education.  We are rewarding the wrong behaviors, setting kids up for consistent failures, and using an arbitrary grading system (Grades, ACT/SAT, and Standardized Tests).  In a more recent article I address this topic: Students don’t Fail, the Education System is failing our Students!

So, what can we do about this?  We can admit that it is uncomfortable to face reality.  To look at ourselves in the mirror and see the naked truth.  Our education system is the problem.  If Mr. & Mrs. Gates want to make the world a better place than they need to put money into education research.  We need to educate our children and stop letting so many of them fall through the cracks as if these kids don’t matter.  Mr. & Mrs. Gates could help financially support programs that are evidence based such as making sure all schools have systematic, explicit, and phonic based reading approaches/programs.  If a student is not progressing at grade level then this student is to receive one-to-one tutoring until they are at or above grade level.  We need to stop allowing teachers to just pass a student on or fail these students. 

We need to stop with the standardized testing and focus on educating these children.  A teacher can tell if a student is behind in the areas of reading, writing, and math.  We don’t need a standardized test to prove these students are behind.  Teachers should be allowed to identify these students so they can receive individualized support and the school district should pay for each student who is behind an individualized tutor until the student is at or above grade level.  Failure should NOT be an option.  We need to stop waiting until the standardized test scores come out to finally decide to help some of these students.  We need to stop waiting until the student is so far behind that it is almost impossible for them to catch up.  The school system is squishing the self-esteem of many children and causing students to develop learned helplessness. 

So here’s my final message to Mr. & Mrs. Gates.  Stop being a part of the problem.  Saying students are UNMOTIVATED is fueling the negative fire already in these children.  They are not UNWILLING they are UNABLE!  If I had the funds you have I would be making a difference in the way we educate our students, the way we motivate, and the way the culture & climates of the school are focused on competing against each other and not supporting each other for success.  I’d spend money educating the educators on EMPATHY because Empathy is the Antidote to bullying!  Honestly, education is not as challenging as Mr. & Mrs. Gates think, it will just take a while to see the positive changes once the discrimination stops.

Finally, if you want to know what discrimination does to a person watch: Dr. King &Lessons from A Class Divided. People with dyslexia and other learning disabilities are often discriminated against in the educational system.  There are rumors that Bill Gates himself is dyslexic but I do not believe that it true.  I believe if he was dyslexic then he would have empathy and stop blaming our children (here’s a great article by Pam Wright: The Blame Game!  Are SchoolProblems the Kids’ Fault?).  I do not believe that Mr. Gates knows what it is like to struggle or be discriminated against.  If this opinion is not true, then Mr. Gates can enlighten me but in the meantime, I have no evidence to prove he understands what it is really like in the shoes of someone who struggles.

Here's a picture & quote from a child who experienced only a couple of days feeling bad about himself. Think about what our current education system is doing to children and then tell me that kids are UNMOTIVATED Mr. Gates!  

You ARE under the control of others- Don't think so? Then check this out!

I was recently thinking about the Stanley Milgram experiment and realized this is a good topic for people to understand.  This is an experiment done in 1961 and provided us evidence that people will follow the directions of an authority figure even if they feel they should not be doing what they are asked to do- in Milgram’s experiment 65% of participants continued to shock another person because a person in authority told them to even though the participant could hear the other person is in pain and asking to stop.  Here’s a quick clip of that:

People often say that in current times with all the sensitivity training, people will stand up to authority figures more and not do something just because a person an authority tells them to do it; but that is not the case.  Here are a couple more recent clips of this experiment:

Now watch this guy-   

When I teach about this in college psychology classes I always have students tell me that they would NOT follow a person in authority.   So I put them to the test.  I don’t have the Milgram machine but I would do something else.  Here’s what I did. 

About a week after the discussion of the Milgram experiment (and Stanford Prison experiment) I told the class I want them to know what it is like to be the teacher and each gets a turn up front of the classroom. I asked for volunteers for the teacher role and had this person step outside the room and wait on me to come out and tell him/her what he/she will talk about.  I told the rest of the class their job was to ignore the “student-teacher,” I told them to make the “student-teacher” annoyed and flustered.  If the “student-teacher” asked them a question they were to refuse to answer or give an inappropriate answer.  I then went out to the “student-teacher” and told him/her to engage the students – ask questions, make eye-contact, motive them, and get them interacting. 

What happened was exactly as expected.  The more the students treated the “student-teacher” poorly the more distraught the “student-teacher” became.  Some students were uncomfortable but continued anyway looking over at me to stop the exercise.  Every student participated.  I did not have one student not do what I asked them to do.  When I did stop the exercise I asked the students what they learned from the lesson and was told – “it’s hard being a teacher.”  When I pointed out that they just validated Milgram’s experiment – that people are obedient to an authority figure even if they do not agree with the activity or request.  Students were shocked and disappointed in themselves.  I did point out that each student may not have done what was told to them if they were alone because another thing we learn in Social Psychology is people will more easily engage in inappropriate behaviors if in a group. 

People comply with authority much more than you think – YOU do it almost daily, especially if you work.  When you are in a work environment you are told what to do and how to do it.  You are given assignments and comply.  Sometimes you are told to do something that may be wrong or unethical.  You may not even know it is wrong or unethical because you trust the person/people in authority.  What if you know or suspect it is wrong?  Do you say something or refuse to do it?  What if you did say something or choose not to do the requested activity, would you fear the loss of your job or retaliation?  These are some tough decisions and obviously must be weighed against what the person/people in authority is/are asking you to do. 

Now think about this, why do you think students who have learning disabilities do not receive an appropriate education, denied services, or denied an IEP/504?  Do you think it is one individual (teacher, administrator, school psychologist…) who wants to deny this child an opportunity to learn?  Most likely it is not a person but a school district itself.  Someone in authority has told staff that there can only be a limited number of students in special education, on IEP’s/504, and what services can and cannot be provided.  When it comes down to it, schools are businesses and sometimes people who are not on the front lines make decisions that are not conducive to the education of students with learning disabilities.  These people make policies and procedures and teachers and administrators follow these even if they are actually violating a student’s rights.  Many times teachers and administrators are just doing what they are told to do from the people in the central office.  When we really look at it we can see that the ones who are really running the schools are the people in the highest authority. As a parent of a child with a learning disability how many times have you been told by a teacher that know your child is struggling but they can’t say/do anything about it because of the people above them.  Many teachers have told parents things only to deny saying these things in meetings because they don’t want to get into trouble with their bosses.   

Stanley Milgram said it best with this quote: “Ordinary people, simply doing their jobs, and without any particular hostility on their part, can become agents in a terrible destructive process. Moreover, even when the destructive effects of their work become patently clear, and they are asked to carry out actions incompatible with fundamental standards of morality, relatively few people have the resources needed to resist authority.”

We need to teach our children that they are to be HEROES!   As a society we need to support people who are “whistleblowers” instead of condoning companies and even school districts to lead with a culture of “don’t question, just do – because those that question will lose their jobs.”  People should not be punished or condemned because they followed the directions of an authority figure especially if they have power and control of their paycheck until we live in a society that values independence and respects people who question the actions of authority figures. 

We must also teach our children know they have a voice and to ask those in authority “why” they are being asked to do something.  We need to help empower children say “no” if they do not feel something is right.  We need to make these changes so our world can be better! Watch the next video and see what it would be like if people felt empowered to stand up to authority! 

Finally, here’s one of my heroes, Phil Zimbardo discussing The Psychology of Evil in a 20 minute TED talk.  Watch this, learn from it, and put into practice the suggestions he has near the end of his talk. 

What is School Culture & Why it Needs to Change!

I am always on a mission to make schools a better place for ALL students.  As the school year is coming to an end I want to discuss the importance of school culture.   Sadly, I am in a lot of schools where the school culture is an 'Us versus Them' mentality.  The teachers and administrators see themselves as the experts and parents as the enemy.  This culture is not conducive to student learning.  I often hear from school staff members that it is the other way around (parents see the school as the enemy).  Educators need to have empathy to understand a parent perspective AND be in a school culture that is supportive to parents.  


Most parents are NOT educators so they do not know how to teach their child specific academic skills and they trust that the teacher is the expert.  When the student is not progressing or learning the parents become SCARED.  A parent panics and asks for help only to be told it is them, the home environment, and/or the child. The reason behind this belief is in yesterday's blog post: "The Blame Game! Are School Problems the Kids' Fault?" by Pam Wright.  Educators should put themselves in the position of the parent and see it from their point of view.  If educators are the professionals they should be the ones to make the process better and not worse for parents and students.  Educators should not become defensive when a parent is upset. The parent may sound like it is a personal attack against the teacher but the parent is really upset with the culture of the school, which allows the blaming and shaming to occur.  


Here's a quick video that explains a little about culture in a school by Anthony Muhammad:

I have written a number of times about school culture and one that went viral shared thousands of times was "How to Have a Positive School to Build Self-esteem of All Students."    The culture of the schools in our country need to change.  All our children need to be an a culturally healthy environment! 

PLEASE, watch this video and share it with everyone in the educational system.  Get Anthony Muhammad's books - read them and share them!!!   Here are a list of his books that are a must read for every parent, teacher, administrator, and school board member:  Transforming School Culture: How to Overcome Staff Division (2009) and The Will to Lead, the Skill to Teach: Transforming Schools at Every Level (2011).  

Direct link to Moving the Bus Forward: Creating Healthy Learning Environments for All Students


In a healthy school culture, NO student should be failing-- it is just unacceptable!  Teachers know that all students have the ability to succeed -they, as teachers, just need to tap into the right motivation and techniques to educate students.  Dr. Muhammad writes in his book The Will to Lead, the Skill to Teach: Transforming Schools at Every Level (2011- p. 23)- "In his definition, Kent Peterson identifies four student characteristics that are prerequisites for school success: concern, attentiveness, prior knowledge, and compliance.  Any educator would agree that these are important assets in the learning process and that not all students arrive at school predisposed to these characteristics.  In toxic cultures, students are blamed for not possessing these characteristics, which releases adults from the responsibility of properly educating every student.  This mentality is in direct conflict with the objective of public schools - learning for all." 


So if your child attends a school where it is acceptable for some students to receive grades of D's and F's then your child is in a TOXIC culture (which means the student is NOT learning the necessary information - more about this in The Reason Behind Grades and How to Make Them Valid).  If you have ever been to a school meeting where a school staff member blamed or shamed you or your child then this is a TOXIC school culture.  There is no empathy for the parent of the student if blaming and shaming are occurring just because a student is NOT learning in a "typical" fashion and needs to be taught more explicitly.  We as a society need to stop failing our children and make changes to the whole school system not just the curriculum (common core...).  This article was written to enlighten you to the importance of school culture.  I will have future articles on how to improve school culture.  In the meantime read the books suggested to educate yourself!  

Want to learn more go to Dr. Muhammad's website: New Frontier 21.  Also, as an Educational Coach and Consultant I contract with schools to help build healthier school cultures so if interested in direct support contact me- Jill Lam MS.Ed, LPCC at Forest Alliance Coaching- 614-785-6405.

Spiritual Sunday: How to have a great life!

Have you ever thought that your life would be better if you just reached a specific milestone (graduate, got a job...) or if you found the right person or moved to a different city?  I bet you discovered that your life did not get better.  You did not have this magical change.  Maybe because of Fairy Tales we expect life to just one day become perfect.  Well, I hate to be your Dark Fairy Godmother and burst your fantasy bubble but that's not reality.  

We don't just all of a sudden have the perfect stress-free life when we reach milestones or even lose that last 5 pounds.  Life is really about learning to become as strong as you can and appreciate what you have and who you are at this very moment.  Life is about dreams - it's about the journey getting to those dreams and not about the end destination.  Yes, once you get to the end destination you will be changed but the reason you are changed is BECAUSE of the journey!  It was the journey - the challenges, trials, and tribulations that made you change, not finally achieving this dream (graduation, perfect person, job, place to live......).  

One of my favorite quotes is below in the pic quote I made.  Kurt Vonnegut wrote "We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down."  This is exactly the point. To have a full-filling and happy life you must become stronger and the way to do that is to go after your dreams, fight all the battles you have to fight, take chances, and be an active participant in your own life.  In other words, get off your f-ing couch or computer chair and focus on making yourself stronger.  Building your wings takes time and a lot of practice.  Print this picture to remind yourself that your path in life is meant to be difficult and that is why it will be beautiful because you are full-filling your purpose!

Not long ago I heard a song that reminded me of this quote and I listen to when I want to be reminded that I can learn to fly - I just have to trust that I learn on the way down!  When you are feeling like you can't keep going you may find this song very helpful.  

Direct link to Maddie and Tae singing "Fly"

Students don't fail the educational system is failing our students!

So are we going in the right direction with education? 

I have said it before and will continue to say this until the education system changes - when a teacher gives a student failing grade (D or F) then that teacher is FAILING the student.  A school district should never accept that a teacher will allow a student to end the school year without knowing the necessary curriculum.  A student who has received a D or F in a class is NOT learning the curriculum.   A teacher is NOT doing their job if they are allowing students to leave their classroom without knowing the necessary information.  If the student is resistant, then find out why and get extra help for that student so they can LEARN the subject matter!  Why are students in school?  Why are we as a society allowing teachers to get paid and not teach, so all students are learning and being successful?  Granted there are some great teachers out there, and this post is NOT directed toward them.  This post is directed toward school districts that have even 1 student that is receiving a D, F, or has dropped out!  Changes need to occur!!

Watch Ken Robinson's video "How to Escape Education's Death Valley."

Here is the direct link to Ken Robinson's video!

If you made it this far - check out previous posts on grades & learned helplessness. 

Why do we mistrust and distrust?

Why do we mistrust and distrust?   A better question is really- why do we trust at all?   

According to Erik Erikson, the most important period in a person's life is between birth and 18 months old, during the stage of trust vs. mistrust.  Children depend on their parents to protect and nurture them.   Unfortunately, not all parents can be trusted.  Some parents cause their children pain - intentional and unintentional.  This causes children to learn not to trust and yet they still have hope that the person who is put on this earth to take care of them will keep them safe and protected.  

What Erikson seems to miss is how this isn't the only time in a person's life that trust is a vital area of concern.  Yes, children who learn to mistrust during these very beginning years may continue to have trust issues throughout life.  This does not mean that children who develop strong trust during this stage will never encounter times where they struggle with trust. 

Another time in a person's life mistrust and distrust are formed is when a child attends school.  We trust that school districts will protect and educate our children.  We trust that teachers will have enough knowledge to teach each individual child. This trust is broken when the school does not protect children and cannot or choose not to educate children.  Yep, some school districts and teachers actually make a conscious decision to NOT provide a student with their free and appropriate education.  For some this trust is broken just once but for many each year is a repeated betrayal of trust.  Many of these children develop learned helplessness (check out my past article on this to fully understand). 

We also have to trust in our relationship with others. We have all different types of relationships everyday - friends, coworkers, family, romantic...   A relationship with another person is often very tricky because it is not always congruent.  At times, one person is more vested in the relationship than the other person.  Humans are egocentric, so they engage in relations with others to get specific needs met and this requires us to trust that the other person is able to meet those needs.  There are many people who violate this trust.  You will encounter people in your life that will use you for their own benefit.  

What we have to understand is the importance of mistrust and distrust.  Mistrust is often a general sense of unease and apprehension while distrust is based on negative experiences or reliable information that a person is deceptive and their motives and intentions are harmful. 

Some distrust is functional and good for us so we do not get taken advantage of or our rights violated.  - here's a fun example of functional distrust: 

Distrust can also be dysfunctional.  High levels of distrust can cause a person to avoid being vulnerable with anyone and negatively impact relationships. The main reason for this is when a person expects they can trust someone and that trust is violated it causes more psychological damage than if a person was expecting to distrust someone and experienced trustworthiness instead.  

The insight I want you to get from this is that your mistrust and distrust are not necessarily negative thoughts you need to change.  They are there to keep you protected.  The more aware you are about your own levels of mistrust and distrust the better you will be able to know when you have crossed over into dysfunctional distrust.  

My goal is to be more aware of my own levels of trust, mistrust, and distrust so I can keep myself protected.  

We must remember that actions speak louder than words so if someone tells you that they can be trusted pay more attention to their actions.  

Important lesson to teach your child

One thing I know for sure~~  Life is NOT smooth sailing. We are doing our children a disservice if we teach them that everything will be easy.  We must teach them that life if full of rough spots and lessons we must learn.  

As parents we hate watching our children struggle and sometimes we want to rescue them from the pain and suffering.  We want to help make things easier but we must refrain.  We can guide them but they must learn how to handle problems on their own.  We can model for them how to deal with adversity and how to advocate for themselves but we cannot allow our children to believe that it will be easy or quick.  

When we have expectations and these expectations are not met then we feel disappointed and frustrated.  These negative feelings can lead to more negative feelings such as depression and anxiety. 

Parents often ask if they should exempt their child from the school's standardized assessments.  My question is "WHY?"  Why exempt the child from these tests?  Often I'm told it is because the child become anxious and stressed.  Hmm isn't a way to overcome anxiety and stress is to tackle the triggers and learn how to deal with them?  If the child is exempt from these assessments they will never learn how to take tests under negative emotional conditions. Also, these tests are more about grading the school district than the individual student (even if they threaten you that your child will not move on if they do not pass - they are using this psychological tactic to deflect attention that THEY are failing to teach your child).  If your child will perform poorly on a district standardized assessment than you WANT their score to reflect the terrible job the district is doing educating students.  Exempting the child from these tests only hides the reality that the district is failing our students.  So let your child take these district standardized assessments as practice for test taking.  

When your child is struggling with learning remind them that everyone struggles with something and the goal is to learn how to overcome an obstacle. Teach them that the key to success is knowing how to solve problems.  When your child is struggling with a school assignment ask them how they can solve the problem. Help them see ways to work smarter and not harder.  Listen to books on audio, type assignments/speech-to-text, use calculators, Google the question, review Cliff-notes, ask to see a finished product of what the project is supposed to look like, and ask questions.  These things are NOT cheating they are ways to solve problems!   

When students learn ways to solve problems they are less likely to experience learned helplessness (Click on the link - this is a must understand concept!!!).  

Remember that it is important to allow your child to struggle and help them learn that this is normal and we are learning ways to overcome obstacles so we can be successful!  We need to help our children understand the meaning of success - it does not mean money, wealth, status, material items....  Success is being able to overcome obstacles, solve problems, and learn lessons (so we don't keep repeating them).  Also read: 

6 Ways to build Grit, Tenacity, and Perseverance in your child at home

5 Ways a parent of children with special needs can reduce the pressure

This post is targeted to parents!  

As parents we have a lot of weight and responsibilities on our shoulders!   We have to work so we can afford to live and raise a family (job duties & responsibilities).  We run a household ~ shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, maintenance, organizing, and juggling the finances.    We raise children to become positive and productive citizens, as well as, spend quality supportive time with each of them.  Unless we homeschool our children we are sending them off to school to obtain an education.  Yes, we are there to help with homework but for the most part we as parents expect the teachers will be providing our children with a solid educational foundation.

This doesn't always happen however when your child has a learning disability.   We now have even more responsibilities that add extra stress to our lives.  As parents we have to spend countless hours researching evidence-based programs so our children can learn; we become experts on our child’s disability; emailing teachers and special education coordinators to make sure our children are learning; spend extra money and time on private tutoring and therapies; devote extensive time re-teaching the class material and subjects that were not learned in school; providing emotional support since our children know they are different; and limitless other responsibilities.   

Normal life causes us as parents to break but there’s even more weight when you are a parent who has children with learning disabilities.

I love this video as an example of what our children expect from us and how as a parent we sometimes just can’t handle the pressure. 

Direct link to: The Middle TV show Frankie's breakdown

So, what can you do?  Here are 5 things you can do to reduce this pressure.

1.  Take care of yourself first!  Yep that is right, I said it – you must take care of YOU.  Just like in airplanes you need to put on your oxygen mask prior to taking care of your child’s-- the same goes for here.  If you are not able to breath, you will fall apart and what good is an unconscious parent, especially for a child with a disability?  Plus, if you don’t take care of you then who will?

2.  Have a support system!  This support system needs to be made up of others that have similar lives, children, and experiences.  It feels terrible to have to listen to parents go on and on about their “perfect” children when we just spent 3 hours battling with our child about homework, chores, eating, and so on.  When overwhelmed call someone from your support system and complete the next step.

3.  Put a time limit on your venting and make a written list of the positives.  The more we vent the more we feed negative feelings and emotions so tell your support person you are only going to vent for 10-20 minutes and then that’s it, no more.  Once the time is over you can only talk about solutions not problems.  After you have vented you need to reframe life back into positives.  Write a list of positive things in your life.

4.  Keep your list of positives with you so you can look at them when you are feeling depressed or anxious.  Remember what we focus on expands so focus on the positive things we have in our lives whatever they may be.

5.  Find ways to mentally escape!  As parents of children with learning disabilities we take on a lot of extra responsibilities and need time to mentally escape so we can relax.  Make a list of ways that you like to mentally escape: Songs that make you feel good and/or pump you up; books that have nothing to do with parenting and disabilities (eye-read and/or ear-read); TV shows or movies; exercise activities such as walking in the woods, aerobics classes, biking…; or other activity that reduces your stress level.

Remember that you don’t want to be like Frankie from the TV show “The Middle” shown here in this video where you snap.  If you can take care of yourself then you can reduce the chances that this will happen to you.  

Finally, know that you are doing a great job!  You have the hardest job in the world and just by showing up everyday fighting the fight you are a great parent!  Kudos to you!!!

Spiritual Sunday - 2 Ways to Get Over Disappointment

We all have to experience disappointment but this is something that I struggle overcoming.  I really do understand that all of our hopes and dreams will not come true.  No matter how much we work for something, how much effort we put into something, we still may obtain the desired results.  

This is a crushing feeling.  A feeling that is not easy to get over.  How quickly we get over these feelings often depends on how badly we wanted to reach our goal.  The feelings are heartbreaking at times.  

Disappointments are in our lives to help us with perspectives it means that we need to readjust our thinking, expectations, and goals.  

The challenge is- the feelings of disappointment are real and may last for a long time.  So here are 2 things you can do to help you on your road to recovery.

1- acknowledge that you are disappointed and focus on what exactly it is you are disappointed about. Did you really want a job that you didn't get?  Is it this job specifically you wanted or is the pain of disappointment because you just wanted a job? Know explicitly what you are disappointed about and you will be able to get over it more quickly.

2 - once you know exactly what you are disappointed about focus on ways to get to that goal via a different pathway or readjust your perspective of success.  If this is something you really wanted - say a specific job then are there other ways you can get a job similar to this one?  Can you reach your goal in a different way?  What are the lessons you have learned from this disappointment? Sometimes we experience disappointment because we feel like a failure if we do not achieve our goal/dream.  This does not make you a failure you are still a success you just have to alter your understanding of the word success.

The key is to not give up on YOU!  You can give up on the dream/goal/hope but don't give up on you!  Stop being disappointed in YOU and know you did the best you could - that goal/dream was not meant to be at this very moment - you need to learn things first or change the direction you are going.  

One way to make 2014 better

Today is the first day of 2014.   If you are saying to yourself – “this isn’t where I want to be in my life,” then you have some serious work to do.

When we are not where we want to be or have a life we don’t want to have it mainly results from a failed expectation.  We expected things would be different (whatever that may mean for you).

I wrote a previous piece on Frustration is all about Expectations which is helpful in understanding how we become frustrated by others because we expect things from them that they cannot or will not be able to produce (behaviors, attitudes…).  In a nutshell, we become frustrated when we have an unmet expectation.  So to change our life we must change our expectations.

We often expect that we will have friends, family, happiness, love, joy, and other positive things in our lives.  For example, no parent wants their child to grow up to struggle in school, fail, and become a criminal, or drug addict but these things happen.  We become frustrated when these events do happen because they are not what we expect.  I’m not suggesting that we expect these things will happen so when they do happen we are not frustrated because we are now getting exactly what we expected.  Instead I’m saying stop expecting that life will be easy and perfect.

There is no such thing as perfect.  The beauty in many things are a result of being imperfect and unique.  No one ever told you that life was going to be easy but for some reason we expect that it will be easy.  Nothing worthwhile is easy and when things are easy it is because we have experience with them but I can assure you that the first time you had the experience it wasn’t easy. 

So make it a goal in 2014 to expect that life will be messy, life will challenge you, and life will be good when you learn to let go of things being “perfect.”  

Don’t strive to be an “ideal” weight be an “ideal” weight for you.  Don’t expect your children to be academic or athletic “super-stars,” accept them as a shining individual star.  When you expect your spouse or partner to read your mind and “know” everything about you then you are setting both of you up for frustration so be direct and explicit regarding what you want from them.  Anyway, you get the picture, right?

Make 2014 the year you accept that you are: PERFECTLY IMPERFECT!