The Dragonfly Forest

They have been given names such as devil’s darning needle, ear sewer, horse stinger, skeeter hawk, and the snake’s servant. Actually, Dragonflies are beneficial, peaceful, and stunning. You are a Dragonfly if you are: ADD/ADHD, dyslexic, dysgraphic, Asperger’s, NLVD, autistic…

Showing posts with label positive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label positive. Show all posts

Thursday, July 19, 2018

The importance of changing Learned Helplessness in students with disabilities


RE-SHARING!!!  This is so important to understand please pass-along to anyone who works with kids!

Why do some students with learning disabilities (LD) succeed while others appear unmotivated, fail, or drop out?  The answer is quite simple.  The LD students who are more successful have grit – tenacity.  The LD students who are not achieving academic success have developed learned helplessness.  Students do not develop learned helplessness because teachers and/or parents coddle the students, do things for them, or make things too easy.  Learned helplessness is a condition in which the student has come to believe that he/she is helpless in a situation and events are out of his/her control. Learned helplessness is so damaging to a student and is the reason many quit rather than try harder, procrastinate, and even experience emotional problems. As an Educational Coach, Therapist, and Psycho-educational Diagnostician I will enlighten you on learned helplessness and changes that need to be made to help all LD students. 

BACKGROUND:

Decades ago, a psychologist, Martin Seligman, performed some experiments on dogs. Here’s the abridged version.  The researchers put dogs into different situations where they were placed in cages (shutter boxes).  Some dogs were placed in a cage where they received an electric shock but were able to end the shock by pressing a lever, while other dogs were placed in a cage where they experienced random shocks but had NO ability to make the shock stop or escape.  The dogs who had some control over their negative experiences recovered quickly but the dogs who could not escape or stop the pain learned to be helpless, gave up, and displayed clinical depressive symptoms.   Later the dogs were placed 
in another box and only needed to jump over to the other side to escape the pain.  The dogs who learned they could control their environment jumped over the small barrier quickly.  The dogs who had no control over their situation continued to display helpless behaviors and instead of escaping the situation they just laid down and whined; they didn’t even try.   Would we call these dogs lazy, unmotivated, or coddled?  No, we would not, the dogs had learned to be helpless.  No matter what, they could not change their environment or situation even if they had a desire to change– they were stuck. 


HOW THIS RELATES TO STUDENTS WITH LD:

More research has occurred over the past decades focused on learned helplessness and we have discovered that it happens in humans as well.   We are now able to understand why kidnap victims do not seize the opportunity to escape or why a battered spouse stays in an abusive relationship.  We also now understand why some students with LD give up.  

When students attend school, they are stuck.  The law says that a student MUST be in school and unless you are homeschooled you cannot just leave when you are feeling scared, vulnerable, stupid, or sometimes even sick.   Classroom management techniques are designed to assure that the teacher has all the power so students are controlled.  Granted, these classroom management techniques are often necessary but think about how similar they are to the cage the dogs were stuck in – quite similar in fact but with windows and more people.  

Now, some of these students will experience a great deal of negative pain while in these classrooms because they have LD.  They will watch other students grasp concepts and ideas quicker and with ease while they struggle.  These students with LD will also watch teachers praise and give positive attention to students who are being academically successful but they themselves cannot seem to achieve this academic success no matter how hard they try.  Often despite trying exceptionally hard, teachers send clear messages to these students that they are perceived as lazy, unmotivated, not working hard enough, not working up to their potential…  Wow, more shocking pain that they cannot escape and these LD students experience intense shame (Shaming needs to stop post).   

Students with LD often have the intellectual capabilities to be academically successful but have a false perception that they lack these abilities and have learned that trying hard or putting in effort has no positive effect.  Remember, a student’s perception is his/her reality.  So, even if they are gifted and LD they may still experience learned helplessness.  Learned helplessness undermines the student’s motivation to learn, reduces the student’s ability to learn, establishes ineffective learning strategies, and deteriorates school performance.

Over time these students with LD end up just giving up and accepting their fate that they are stupid, will never learn, or will always fail anyway so why try.  This is why there is a high dropout rate by the way!  And let’s not forget that with these feelings of learned helplessness are other problems such as anxiety, depression, stress, suicide…   Which is why I work hard to help teachers understand that students should never be labeled as a student with a behavior problem or lazy – the behaviors are a symptom of a deeper issue and behaviors often stems from learned helplessness and shame. 


FIXING THE PROBLEM:

Studies have provided evidence that the teacher-student dynamic is a major factor that contributes to the development and maintenance of learned helplessness.   This is not because teachers intend to create this environment for students but because when the student struggles and displays learned helplessness behaviors, positive reinforcements and support seldom occur.   An LD student experiencing learned helplessness will not be motivated to do better by receiving bad grades which often is frustrating for the teacher who in turn give up on trying to even help the student.  Let’s face it, teaching students who are motivated is much easier than teaching students who struggle and display self-defeating behaviors.

Ways the system needs to change:
Teach and embrace differences.  Many schools have been willing to focus on cultural and racial diversities yet few focus on learning diversities as a whole.  Some teachers are educating their students in their own classrooms about learning differences and the importance of accepting how everyone learns but this is hardly done at a district level.  School districts are focused on Academic Excellence- praising and rewarding students and teachers who are high achievers.  Yes, we want students to be achieving but school districts are “doing it wrong.”  Success in school should not be defined in regards to high scores but instead, success should be defined as progress and improvement.  Improving the academic knowledge and self-esteem of students should be the focus of all education.  School districts also need to eliminate the shaming – discussed here: Stop the shaming post.        
School districts need to stop being afraid of the numbers (amount of students in special education) and just do what is right for all students!  I’m frequently in school meetings where I hear principals, school psychologists, or special education directors tell parents that their child doesn’t qualify for services.  This is often because the student “fits in the box” of average and therefore does not need the extra support services, accommodations, or intervention programs the parents (and myself since I diagnosed the student with a disability) believe are necessary.  We are not wanting arbitrary services and supports.  We see the struggles the child is dealing with.  We are standing outside the cage watching the child disintegrating from the pain and are trying to prevent learned helplessness.  It can be extremely frustrating watching the school district continue to press the shock button over and over and refusing to help stop the pain.  By the way, I have never met a parent who has asked the school for help when the child did not need the help but I have experienced many school district refuse to provide help when it is explicitly clear what needs to be done. 
Teachers need to stop using red ink all over the papers!   When teachers focus on errors, they are teaching students that failing is wrong/bad and that it isn’t okay to make mistakes.  In reality we really do learn more from the mistakes we make than the things we get right so we need to help students embrace errors.  The score at the top of the paper should be the number the student received correct.  The answers the students got wrong should be identified and the students should be taught how to go back over their mistakes, relearn (or be retaught) the material, and correct the mistakes. This technique should be taught as early as kindergarten and continue until the student graduates cause the goal is for students to learn, isn’t it?   Some students will need to be re-taught the material they missed in a different way because what the errors (poor grades) tells us is the student has failed to learn the information.   Sometimes teachers have gotten into the habit of thinking that the F means that the student has failed to study, or the student failed to listen, or the student has failed to apply him/herself, or the parents failed to do their part… 
This leads me to the next important thing that needs changed - blame.  To learn everyone needs to participate, the students, parents, and most importantly the teachers.  The teachers are the leaders here and if a student is not progressing and improving in their learning most of this responsibility needs to fall on the teachers shoulders.  I have heard many teachers place blame on the students and/or parents.  When a student struggles with learned helplessness the teacher needs to add specific strategies to help guide the student out of their perceived electric cage.  Most students with learned helplessness require a teacher to be explicit in their instructions and take time to meet with the student one-on-one to provide assistance.  Remember, an LD student hears comments such as “Your written response is sloppy and poorly written” as criticism (an electric shock) so focus on positive constructive comments such as “Let’s think of another way to answer this problem.”  This demonstrates that you, as the teacher, really do care and are willing to help alleviate the pain.  This does not mean that you as the teacher are doing the work.  You are guiding the student on how to do the work, rewarding them for their effort, and providing the student an opportunity to feel success. 
Remember that students with learned helplessness have learned to just give up so they may be resistant to help.  Think of them as a traumatized dog that just left the cage and the shocks were conditioned with human contact – the dogs will then avoid humans.  So when interacting with these students focus on the things the student does well and avoid focusing on what they are doing wrong or it will only make them more resistant and have increased avoidance.  I coach many LD students with learned helplessness and know that they do not want to have failing grades, they don’t want to feel stupid.  These students really just want the pain to stop but have no idea how.  Parents often try to help but they often have to spend their evenings trying to glue pieces of their child’s shattered self-esteem back together (these students frequently come home and let out all their anxiety, fears, and frustrations).  Teachers can help alleviate this pain.  One of the common themes in LD students with grit, is they had at least one teacher/mentor who believed in them so they in turn started to believe in themselves.  They had teachers/mentors who never gave up on them even when the times got tough and helped teach them that failing doesn’t make them a failure.  We all need people in our lives to help instill motivation, especially these students with learned helplessness.

Finally, we need to change the structure of our educational system to include instructions on developing grit and tenacity.  To be straight forward here – schools should focus less on developing new curriculums like the “Common Core” and put more energy into developing programs to teach grit, tenacity, and perseverance.  To learn more about this read, Promoting Grit, Tenacity, and Perseverance: Critical Factors for Success in the 21stCentury.  

Just think of how much better a school district would be if they could actually educate students to be successful in the world by having a positive self-esteem and grit.  I hypnotize that our prison population would decrease and we would have more productive high achieving citizens. 

Here is an activity that is similar to the one I do when teaching college classes and for professional development workshops for schools it's only a few minutes long and is a great example of how easy it is to develop learned helplessness. (if the video doesn't appear below click the link to get to the video)





(Image below: picture of an adult female sitting with her arm around a young male who is looking at a book and has a distressed look on his face.  A quote from Sutherland & Singh's book 'Learned Helplessness and Students with Emotional or Behavioral Disorders: Deprivation in the Classroom-' "Students who are repeatedly exposed to school failure are particularly at risk for the development of learned helplessness." Then my explanation of learned helplessness from the research - "How to know if a student is experiencing learned helplessness: *Takes little independent initiative * Prefers easy problems & avoids hard problems * Makes negative or degrading comments about own ability *If fails one part of a task is certain to fail entire task *Gives up easily *Stops trying or avoids difficult academic work *Does not respond with pride when talking about academics *Does poorly despite having ability)



References if you need them:

Schunk, D. H. (1984). Sequential attributional feedback and children's achievement behaviors. Journal of Educational Psychology 76(6), 1159–1169.
Seligman, M.E.P. (1975). Helplessness: On Depression, Development, and Death. San Francisco: W.H.Freeman.
Sutherland, K.S., & Singh, N.N. (2004). Learned Helplessness and Students with Emotional or Behavioral Disorders: Deprivation in the Classroom. Behavioral Disorders, 29(2), 169-181.
Tollefson, N. (2000). Classroom applications of cognitive theories of motivation. Educational Psychology Review, Vol. 12, No. 1, pp. 63-83.



Tuesday, January 2, 2018

The 2 things you need to do to make 2018 great

Here we go again folks~  Another year has begun! So are you full of hope and excitement thinking that this could be an amazing year?  Well, you should be excited it will be positive because what we focus on we will expand.  So, if you are focused on the positive in your life every day this positive will expand.  

Now, remember this doesn't mean you will have a perfect year! It is important to make mistakes ~ check out this Resolutions post to learn why.  Don't think that if you focus on being perfect you will be perfect because there is no such thing as perfect and this only makes you have unrealistic expectations (which will only lead to disappointment).  

Here are 2 things you need to do today to get your year off to the right start~

1.   Reflect back on the lessons you have learned in 2017. These lessons may come from positive events and discoveries but most likely they come from events where things didn't work out as you expected.  Reward yourself for learning these lessons and acknowledge that you plan on living life based on these lessons learned (AKA: Don't repeat these mistakes).  Now, write down 1-3 goals you want to achieve this year - make them realistic goals. Every day in 2018 you must do at least one thing to work toward these goals.  So for example, if you have a goal of building a stronger relationship or business than every day you must do something to make this happen.  The key is your intent every day is to work toward your goals.

2.   Write down 1-3 things you will NOT do in 2018.  These can be things you already don't do such as ~ "I will not waste money on a gym membership."  This can be something more challenging such as ~ "I will not beat myself up mentally when I make mistakes."  This one may be harder but you will have to remember that when you do make a mistake and start belittling yourself you stop and say "nope, I'm not going to keep doing this."  The key to this resolution is to give yourself a different kind of power.  

I'm looking forward to our adventures together in 2018! On this journey together we will learn a lot, grow emotionally & spiritually, and eventually, we will soar!  

Happy New Year my Dragonfly Friends~

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

We all have Bias - learn to stop being so judgmental

Re-sharing - a post I wrote back in June 2013 but think it needs to be addressed again!  

There has been a lot of discussion in the media about racism, sexism, homophobia, equality… (There is no need to identify these stories because they could be any story; even your own story of being oppressed, discriminated against, of judged).   I will address these issues because they are vital to making the world a better place; so we can do better now that we will know better!  To do this we must first understand implicit bias and confirmation bias.  EVERYONE makes judgments based on both of these biases.  They are rooted in our upbringing and may be so deep you are not aware they exist.  But do not think that you are not prejudice or bias because we all are; it’s human nature. 
Understanding Bias:
Implicit bias is the unconscious attitudes and beliefs that can be expressed overtly or covertly.  These implicit biases develop early in our lives and can occur even if we believe we have no biases toward others.  Implicit bias can be measured (Harvard has done some great research in this area).  These biases are not only about race but also about: age, disabilities, religion, gender, and so on. 
Watch this video of Alan Alda taking this test and explain implicit bias.





Here’s the link to check your own implicit bias: Implicit Bias Test 
People do not base their decisions and opinions on fact but instead on confirmation bias.  Confirmation bias is the process of paying attention to information about a person/topic/issue that confirms (validates) your belief/opinion and ignoring, minimizing, or rationalizing the information that does not support your belief/opinion.  The more emotionally charged an issue or topic is the more this bias occurs.  The recent political race is a perfect example of confirmation bias.   If a person liked one presidential candidate then most of the things that candidate said or did was spun in a positive light.  The other candidate could have done or said the exact same things but these would have been seen in a negative light. 
 Here’s a quick video that explains confirmation bias:




Our brains automatically engage in low-effort information processing which consists of stereotyping and judgments (implicit bias).   We then look for information that validates these beliefs and opinions while we ignore or minimize information that disproves these beliefs and opinions (confirmation bias).  This happens with EVERYONE!  
This can change only if we do a few things:  First, we need to acknowledge and accept that we have biases.  We need to be openly admit these to ourselves.  Second, we need to willingly look at all the evidence and use our OWN critical thinking skills.  Decisions need to be made based on evidence (not only the evidence you want to look at - that's confirmation bias).  This is not easy because your biases will get in the way.  We expect others to be emphatic  to understand us, our points of view, and accept our values and beliefs but we often don’t practice empathy to others. 
Remember that empathy is NOT feeling what another person feels it is UNDERSTANDING the other person’s emotions, experiences, situations…  It does not mean that you have to agree with the person but that you understand why they believe what they believe and feel what they feel.  When you have empathy you don’t try to change another person’s belief to your belief.  You don’t judge others because empathy is the antidote to bias, bigotry, and bullying!
When people become aware (conscious) of the potential for prejudice, they often attempt to correct for it and are less likely to exhibit bias behaviors (overt and covert).  Nevertheless, just understanding implicit bias and confirmation bias is not enough.  Actions, with the intent to do better, must occur on a daily basis.
Please watch the final video of Oprah speaking about Maya Angelou words “when you know better, you do better.”  (If you have not watched any of the other videos than please watch this one.)




Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Why Bill Gates is a Part of the Educational Problem

There’s an article going around the internet posted by Huffington Post titled: Gates Says Fixing Education Toughest Challenge.  In this article Gates is quoted as saying: "And the one thing we have a lot of in the United States is unmotivated students.”

Wow, this is not reality.  We do not have UNMOTIVATED students we have students who have not been educated appropriately and therefore they have developed Learned Helplessness. I wrote an article on The Importance of Changing Learned Helplessness in Students with Disabilities and would love for Mr. & Mrs. Gates to understand the reality of why students are not being successful.  I know of many very intelligent students who dropped out or failed out because of this Learned Helplessness experience.  This article was very popular and I received a number of emails from people who wanted to tell me their story because this was exactly what they were/had experienced. 

I later received emails and phone calls from parents who were frustrated because they took the Learned Helplessness article (or emailed it) to the school and the staff often disregarded the student developed learned helplessness and continued to blame it on being unmotivated and unwilling.  This prompted me to write another article: Why We Should Help Studentswith Learning Disabilities. 

We need to admit that we as a nation are doing it wrong when it comes to education.  We are rewarding the wrong behaviors, setting kids up for consistent failures, and using an arbitrary grading system (Grades, ACT/SAT, and Standardized Tests).  In a more recent article I address this topic: Students don’t Fail, the Education System is failing our Students!

So, what can we do about this?  We can admit that it is uncomfortable to face reality.  To look at ourselves in the mirror and see the naked truth.  Our education system is the problem.  If Mr. & Mrs. Gates want to make the world a better place than they need to put money into education research.  We need to educate our children and stop letting so many of them fall through the cracks as if these kids don’t matter.  Mr. & Mrs. Gates could help financially support programs that are evidence based such as making sure all schools have systematic, explicit, and phonic based reading approaches/programs.  If a student is not progressing at grade level then this student is to receive one-to-one tutoring until they are at or above grade level.  We need to stop allowing teachers to just pass a student on or fail these students. 

We need to stop with the standardized testing and focus on educating these children.  A teacher can tell if a student is behind in the areas of reading, writing, and math.  We don’t need a standardized test to prove these students are behind.  Teachers should be allowed to identify these students so they can receive individualized support and the school district should pay for each student who is behind an individualized tutor until the student is at or above grade level.  Failure should NOT be an option.  We need to stop waiting until the standardized test scores come out to finally decide to help some of these students.  We need to stop waiting until the student is so far behind that it is almost impossible for them to catch up.  The school system is squishing the self-esteem of many children and causing students to develop learned helplessness. 

So here’s my final message to Mr. & Mrs. Gates.  Stop being a part of the problem.  Saying students are UNMOTIVATED is fueling the negative fire already in these children.  They are not UNWILLING they are UNABLE!  If I had the funds you have I would be making a difference in the way we educate our students, the way we motivate, and the way the culture & climates of the school are focused on competing against each other and not supporting each other for success.  I’d spend money educating the educators on EMPATHY because Empathy is the Antidote to bullying!  Honestly, education is not as challenging as Mr. & Mrs. Gates think, it will just take a while to see the positive changes once the discrimination stops.

Finally, if you want to know what discrimination does to a person watch: Dr. King &Lessons from A Class DividedPeople with dyslexia and other learning disabilities are often discriminated against in the educational system.  There are rumors that Bill Gates himself is dyslexic but I do not believe that it true.  I believe if he was dyslexic then he would have empathy and stop blaming our children (here’s a great article by Pam Wright: The Blame Game!  Are SchoolProblems the Kids’ Fault?).  I do not believe that Mr. Gates knows what it is like to struggle or be discriminated against.  If this opinion is not true, then Mr. Gates can enlighten me but in the meantime, I have no evidence to prove he understands what it is really like in the shoes of someone who struggles.

Here's a picture & quote from a child who experienced only a couple of days feeling bad about himself. Think about what our current education system is doing to children and then tell me that kids are UNMOTIVATED Mr. Gates!  


Friday, May 19, 2017

Stop the shaming: why ceremonies and graduations need to change


It is that time of year again & I am sharing this post because it is vital for these ceremonies to change!  I know some are worse than others.  It was originally written & published years ago after sitting for over 3 hours at my son's 8th-grade graduation where only a very select group of students were praised. Sadly, it still holds true today.  Thanks so much for taking time to read this - if there are any grammar errors please forgive them (editing is not my strength).
The end of the school year brings with it many award ceremonies and graduations.  As an inclusionist, I am not fond of these event!!  Many (although not all) of these events are designed to exclude and shame students into what our society considers acceptable behaviors and standards of success.  True, students who achieve should be rewarded and acknowledged; heck, almost all students want to be acknowledged.  I think all students who attend the ceremony should receive an award.  This does NOT mean I believe we should give all students an award, what it means is that only those students who are receiving awards should be required to attend the ceremony.    Students who are subjected to sit through a 1-3 hour long awards ceremony or graduation and not receive one accolade are not being motivated to become a better student or athlete. 

Often a reason given as to why students should be acknowledged for their hard work and effort in front of their nonperforming peers is because this motivates students to work harder.   Really?  Students getting good grades, high test scores, or achieving athletic success are not necessarily the ones putting forth the most effort.   We are doing our students a disservice by only shining a light on achievements and failing to embrace diversity. 

Schools often report they are sensitive to diversity yet they only mean race, gender, and ethnicity.  What about the diversity of learning?   Some students will work exceptionally hard and only earn C’s while for other students learning is easy, therefore they earn A’s.  Yes, the “C” student could have all A’s too but it is up to the teachers to educate this student appropriately (this is their educational right – to receive a free and appropriate education).  I heard a teacher recently state in her speech about the academic award recipient; “she is so easy to teach... students like her are the reason why people get into teaching.”   My heart sank, of course, this student is easy to teach. This student doesn’t have a learning disability causing struggles with reading, math, or writing.   The message was loud and clear, teachers don’t get into teaching to have challenging students they get into it so they can reap the rewards of a student who excels easily.  Okay, to be fair, that may not have been the speakers intended message but it sure could be interpreted that way.

Sports are another example of how school exclude and shame students.  A few weeks ago I wrote details about this topic in my "Lessons from The Breakfast Club"  post.  Not all students have the ability or talent to play sports although some may have the desire.  When schools put talented athletes on a pedestal and worship these students they are sending a message to other students that in order to be successful you must be athletically talented.  If you don’t believe this then look at our society as a whole; how much does a professional athlete get paid compared to a teacher. 

Sometimes schools try to pretend that they are including all students by having “student of the year” or “star student” awards.  This is not true inclusion.  You are kidding yourself if you think that each and every student had an equal chance to earn one of these awards.  Did the staff really consider the student with severe ADHD who has difficulty with impulse control?  How about the student who has Asperger’s and is struggling with learning social skills or is awkward?  I bet the student who was bullied so severely he became depressed and withdrawn wasn’t given a second thought.  Students who are challenging or have challenges are not often picked for these awards.   So, face it, this is not true inclusion; it is a facade.  Also, be careful of another facade - when the obviously disabled student gets an award just so the school can say ...  "look at us, aren't we amazing, we just honored a student who has a major disability..."  Umm this isn't genuine & only done for the thrill of inspiration porn.  This is NOT okay either. 

So, here is my proposal to all school districts across the country.  Over the summer decide what you consider the values we should be instilling in our children.   Take a good hard look at the way you are rewarding students.  Do you make the students with good grades stand-up in front of their non-achieving peers and tell these peers that they too can have these honors and rewards if they only tried hard enough?  Do you have ceremonies where everyone is invited but only a few get rewarded?  Do you give out student of the year awards, if so - really look to see if all students have equal opportunity for these awards?  Learn about confirmation bias (you like someone so you see most things they do in a positive light – you dislike someone so you see most things they do in a negative light).  Once you fully understand confirmation bias go back over and answer the last question: Do all students have an equal chance of winning “student of the year” or “star student?”  Now, relearn confirmation bias again and repeat the last question one final time.  If you still believe that all students have an equal chance than you don’t understand confirmation bias.    

Am I saying that there should be no more award ceremonies and graduations?  No, I am not saying this at all.  Go ahead and have these events but only require the students receiving awards to attend and if anyone else wants to attend they can make that choice but do not force students to attend hour long ceremonies/graduations where EVERYONE ELSE gets rewarded and praised.  Graduation ceremonies can be wonderful celebrations when focused on all students.  Call each student up and reward them with their certificate (don't just call their name as they walk in & go to a seat with their "graduation award" is sitting on the chair), if they received other awards announce them at that time – this way each and every student gets the opportunity to walk across the stage (front of a room) and be recognized.  Remember that almost everyone wants to be acknowledged and accepted.  Schools should focus on inclusion and quit reinforcing a “haves versus have-nots” climate.  Now is the time for change and acceptance.  Just because the ceremonies and graduations have always been done a specific way does NOT mean they must continue that way.  Remember we were once a nation where: slavery existed, women were not allowed to vote, and racial segregation was acceptable.  We now know better so we should do better.   We need to embrace the diversity that each and every student has and acknowledge their strengths instead of measuring them as successful under one specific set of standards.      
(Here's another post about shaming- Stop the Shaming Pt. 2) 




Saturday, January 14, 2017

Be uniquely you!

Today is a day to be strong!  Look at yourself and appreciate all your wonderful qualities!  If you are saying "What wonderful qualities?  I don't have any wonderful qualities."  Then tell yourself to stop it!  Stop putting yourself down because you do have wonderful qualities.  You are an individual.  You are unique.  Take some time today focusing on all the things that make you - uniquely you!  

Sure some of these things will be external but I want you to look deeper - dig deeper!  You have distinct ways you perceive the world, you have your own feelings & experiences, and you have exceptional gifts and talents. Don't allow yourself to say things like - "But others do better than me in ...."  This is wrong because you are comparing yourself to someone else - be your unique self!   

Embrace yourself!  Love yourself!  Enjoy what you have to offer this world!  Finally, don't hide yourself but live your life being uniquely you!



Tuesday, November 29, 2016

How to not let the bad in the world control you

Are you heartbroken by all the pain and suffering that is happening in the world?  Some people obviously want this to occur because they are the ones causing the pain and suffering.  We cannot change these people but we can make changes in our own lives! 

I deserve to have a good life and so do you.  We have value and worth and we don't have to settle for all the negative that is occurring around us.  





















Sput this quote on your mirror and read it every morning~~  
"I am the narrator of MY life so I choose to see the beauty in the world all around me.  I notice the details of things, appreciate my connections to people, and feel grateful for what I currently have in my life!  I also have the power to disconnect and/or no longer interact with people and events in my life that cause only negative experiences. I create a positive world for myself and those around me.  I will show empathy to others and live my life with integrity!"



Friday, June 17, 2016

Life is all about Perspective


When you are having a bad day take some time to change your perspective.  Instead of focusing on what you think is reality take some time to step back and reflect.  Look at the problem from all angles and I guarantee you will see a better perspective!  Try it and see!


*Having a hard time with this, just turn your head 90 degrees clockwise and enjoy!  

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

The Gift of Friendship - Toolkit Tuesday


Friends are important.  Personally, life without friends would be very lonely.  There's a saying about if you want friends that you should become a friend.  I don't think everyone really understands that concept.  We have all seen one person be mean to another person.  I would have to say that we have all done it too.  I know I have done this in the past.  Over the years I have gone out of my way to always be a good, kind person, even when others are mean to me.  It is a lot harder to be kind to people who hate and are mean, than it is to hate and be mean back.  It takes a lot of strength and courage to still be nice to people who do not have your best interest at heart.  

Sometimes people tell me that I am allowing myself to be taken advantage of or I'm being naive.  I'm not doing either of these things.  I am well aware of the intentions of others, I just choose to live my life by still being a person with empathy.  It takes great strength to have empathy for a person who is unkind or hurtful to you, but living life with empathy makes my life more joyful.  I don't want to be like the other person, I don't want to have negative feelings or hate.  Empathy is a choice, the choice to live a better life.

What people also need to understand is, I have a few definitions of friendship.   Friendship isn't one-sided where only one person gets their needs met.  Friendship is multifaceted and ever changing.  We need friends to help us in life and sometimes we need them there to teach us a lesson we don't really want to learn.  Sometimes we have friends that make bad choices but that doesn't make them bad people.  

Now, do not misunderstand.  If a person is physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive then that person is NOT a friend.  If the person consistently does not have your best interest at heart, than that is NOT a friend: friendship is NOT one-sided.  If a person's intention is to harm you in anyway then they are NOT a friend.  

A friend will be there for you in a time of need even.  They may not be able to drop what they are doing at that exact moment but they will still be there for you when they can.  A friend will want you to be successful, even though sometimes they may have to battle demons of envy and jealous. 

Here's another recent article I wrote about friendship: 5 Lessons about Friendship

Thursday, January 21, 2016

You can change your brain!

Today I want you to think about your brain! Do you have control over your brain?  Do you know of ways to make your brain change so you can lead a better life? When meeting for coaching and counseling sessions I am frequently teaching about how the brain works so success can be achieved. This is one of my favorite things to do because we really do have the power to change our brain, emotions, situations, and our lives.  

As many of you also know - I struggle with understanding how the education system does NOT focus on educating students based on how their brains work. I also will NEVER understand how classroom teachers seem to be lacking an understanding that how they, the teacher, interact and teach influences the brain of each student.  I can only assume that teachers are not taught about the brain.  How can a person be in a profession where the brain is so vital in learning, not be taught how that brain works.  School districts are also not educating their teachers about the brain.  I just don't understand.  There is a major disconnect.

Often when I am attending a meeting at a school with parents to help the teachers learn about the student's brain, the teachers seems surprised that their own behaviors impacts a student's learning (or lack of learning).  When I explain that the student is NOT lazy but struggling with, avoidance, depression, anxiety or learned helplessness the teachers seem confused.  When teachers blame a student (or their parents) for the student's difficulties in learning I have to explain in details how the brain works.  I believe every educator needs to be taught about how the brain actually works and about learned helplessness (click to see article).  

Since I love teaching about the brain and learning about the brain I was thrilled to meet Dr. John Arden!  His books have not only been a positive influence in my life personally but also professionally. 

I recommend you read his books and start today on changing your brain!   The more you learn about the brain the more you can make positive changes in your life and the lives of your family.








Tuesday, January 5, 2016

5 steps to a great year ~ Toolkit Tuesday!

Do you want a great life?
You still have time to make life plans for 2016.  What you focus on you attract (bring into your life).  So, if you want a positive, exciting, and wonderful life you need to actually make plans for this to occur.  You wouldn’t go on a trip or vacation without planning on where you are going and how you are going to get there.  You plan and take action. Live an active life, not a passive one!  Here’s how to plan your pathway to a great year:
1.     Decide on 1 or 2 areas of your life you will be focusing on this year (focusing on too many areas causes cognitive overload, especially for a Dragonfly and will lead to stress).  For example: abundance, love, money, friendships, career, family, fitness, health…  Notice these are just one words and positive.
 
2.     Write down the word on the top of a piece of paper (you will have two papers if you have two areas of focus).  Below the word, write a description of that word.  What does that word mean to you? Keep this positive.  For example: Abundance – having plenty of the positive things I need in my life.  Love – acceptance of myself and others as they are, for whom they are and/or having others accepting me as I am.  Career - A professional occupation that gives my life meaning and purpose where I am valued and earn a significant amount of money and happiness.
   
3.     Give your year a motto and write it down below your definition – something that you can use in a daily mantra to keep you focused on your end result.  For example, “I have abundance in my life.” “Loving myself and others.”  “2016 will be a Best-selling year.”

4.     Below your motto make a list of at least 10 things you WILL be doing to bring your focus word into your life.  A few examples for Abundance would be: Be grateful for the things I already have/ keep focused on what I have instead of what I don’t have/ determine if something is a want or a need…

5.     This is your road-map so read it every day (sometime a few times a day).  Make a copy and put it on the bathroom mirror you use in the morning so you see it first thing every day. 

Finally- read this quote every single morning as you start your day!  
"There are two rules for living in harmony: #1 Don't sweat the small stuff and #2 it's all small" by Richard Carlson




Sunday, January 3, 2016

Are you being your authentic self~ Spiritual Sunday

Are you being authentic?  

Are you being your true self?  

Are you letting others influence you into being someone you are not?  

Make this the year that you stop doing this.  You deserve to be who you are and not feel pressured or shamed into hiding your true self!   

The other day I posted on The 2 things you need to do to make 2016 great one of those things was to make a short list of things you will NOT be doing in 2016.  I decided one of those things for me was I will NOT be bullied into silence this year.  This has happened too much in my past because I feared the consequences of speaking my mind. Have you ever not stood up for yourself because you were afraid of retaliation in some form?  Here's a past personal post on retaliation and what to do.

SO HOW DO YOU LEARN TO FOLLOW YOUR HEART?

~You need to work on learning who you are & we are going to work on that this year together.  

~Pay attention to the things you like and dislike.

~Notice how often you go against what you want to do to please others (this will be important to remember for a future post).  

Starting this very minute do something that your heart desires - even if it is only for a short period of time.  

This is just the start of discovering more about your authentic self!

Monday, July 13, 2015

Motivational Monday with Will Smith

   Will Smith gives great advice and motivates us to be a better person!  Here's a quick video of clips of Will Smith's wisdom.




Saturday, June 27, 2015

Brendan James a singer worth listening to!

I do not know if Brendan James is a Dragonfly but I love his music.  He is so talented.  I am sharing him with you today my friend because I am excited that I will be seeing him again in July in my city. I also believe in supporting the things you love so enjoy one of my favorite songs by Brendan James:  "Your Beating Heart"  I hope it makes you think of the things you love and inspires you to have a great day!  H&H5 (hugs & high fives if you didn't know).





Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Advice: Frustrations is all about Expectations


Take a moment and think back over the last few weeks.  How often did you get frustrated with someone in your life who has ADHD/ADD, Asperger’s, Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, and so on?  Do you realize that even if you do not openly display this frustration you still convey your frustrations in tone and body language? Well, you do.  The person you are frustrated with knows that they are the cause.  Many times the reason for the frustration is not their fault.  Here’s why you are frustrated…

People become frustrated when they have an unmet expectation.  We get ideas into our head of what we expect to happen, some of these are realistic and some are not realistic.  It is an unrealistic expectation to take a very ADHD child to a wedding and expect them to sit quietly during the ceremony.  So, when you are frustrated you need to first think about what was your expectation.  What are you frustrated about and what did you expect to happen?  You need to ask, was your expectation realistic or unrealistic.  Now come on, be honest with this one because most of the time it is an unrealistic expectation.  Even if all you expect is to be able to buy chocolate milk at a restaurant and all they have is white milk; it is unrealistic to expect your desires to be met all the time.    

So what do you do?  You change your expectations.  This doesn’t mean to lower your expectations but instead reframe them.  If you expect your expectations to not always be met, it will not be so frustrating. If you fully understand the uniqueness of the other people in your life (their disability, time orientation, & perspectives) you will be much more successful.  Everyone wants to be accepted for who they are and when you are frustrated with them you are not accepting them; you are expecting them to be something they are not.

 The other thing you need to do is remember the Serenity Prayer!!  Here’s a copy for you to keep!