What to do about Suicide

Today is the start of Suicide Prevention Week 2018.  I am sharing a past post from August 14, 2016.  Both today in 2018 and in 2016 I could write almost the exact same words as I did on May 18, 2014.  Depression and anxiety are real, and we are not doing enough to help people who battle with mental health concerns.  Over these past few years, there have been many stories about children killing themselves.  In my children's own school district there were a few suicides last year and many students with suicidal ideation.  This has to stop.  Adults must keep our children emotionally safe.

Here are the past posts...

From August 14, 2016:
I was thinking about writing something positive and motivating for a Spiritual Sunday post because I've been so busy with work I have not been able to post as often as I want.  Instead, I saw a post about a young boy who committed suicide... again.  He wrote in a note that he was bullied and teachers didn't help. Here's that article: "'I gave up:' 13 - Year-Old boy commits suicide after he claims school 'Didn't do anything' to stop his bullies." 

This breaks my heart!  I just don't understand how the adult who has the power to make life better for children do not step in and really make a difference.  Sometimes adults are the bullies as well.  My biggest concern about this article is it seems the child failed his grade in school.  I see this way too often - students getting failing grades and adults at the school do nothing but let the child fail.  The student is the one blamed for the failure.  This makes me so angry because adults have the power to step in and work on figuring out WHY the student is failing. I will write more on this topic but in the meantime here's the I wrote in May 2014~~

From May 18, 2014:
I woke up today thinking about what I wanted to share on Spiritual Sunday.  It has been a while since I posted a Spiritual Sunday because I've been struggling spiritually.  I just can't seem to understand why people lack empathy. Now, I wake up to read an article in the Columbus Dispatch newspaper about a teenage girl committing suicide and bullying was reported as one of the factors.  Here is the article: Pickerington teen's suicide raises concern: How much was bullying to blame?

My heart is breaking.  I did not know this girl, but I know her pain.  I have felt this pain many times myself.  I work with people who feel this pain or have felt this pain in their past. I wrote about Bullying and Suicide originally on November 19, 2013, after another teen suicide.  I have been making a plea to educators to STOP teaching "Anti-Bullying" programs and start teaching EMPATHY!   What we focus on we expand so if we are focused on bullying we will get bullying if we concentrate on empathy we will get empathy!  I wrote Empathy is the Antidote to Bullying on January 29, 2013, in hopes that we can start making this change.  I'm saddened that we now have lost another unique and beautiful person to suicide. 

Many people struggle with empathy when it comes to a person's depression and/or suicidal ideations.  These topics make people uncomfortable and often the person feeling these ways stays silent, puts a smile on their face, and suffers alone.  They know that no one will really understand or the other person will minimize their feelings.  People need to realize that the person often doesn't really want to die they want the pain to end.  When other's show empathy the pain can stop!!!

(Image: picture of a black & blue dragonfly & quote from Orson Scott Card's book 'Ender's Shadow' - "In my view, suicide is not really a wish for life to end.'  'What is it then?'  'I is the only way a powerless person can find to make everybody else look away from his shame. The wish is not to die, but to hide.")

So what can you do about suicide?  You can start paying attention to those around you.  You can start showing REAL empathy.  Know the difference between empathy & sympathy- here's a quick video to help you understand this: 

Remember that you do have the power to make the difference in someone else's life.  You can prevent a person from committing suicide, and you may never know that you did because the person will not tell you they wanted to escape this pain (world).  Often people, like this recent teen, Cora Delille, didn't share her pain overtly with family and friends.  She kept most of her pain silent, but if others have empathy, they will see that she is struggling with something and reach out to her.  If covert bullying (relational aggression) was happening in school then teachers need to be more diligent by watching students interact- there are signs of relational aggression (name calling, excluding, teasing, avoidance behaviors, mean looks...).  If administrators know that a teacher and/or coach is treating a child unfairly and emotionally damaging the child they need to protect the child.  Adults have the power to make positive changes and save the lives of children.

(Image: a silhouette picture of a person sitting holding their knees with their head down and a quote titled 'Be a friend save a life' - "Suicidal thoughts happen when pain exceeds the amount of resources needed for coping. Family and friends are often unaware of the suicidal ideations. If a loved one is depressed or under a great deal of stress, be a resource. Listen to his/her worries, stressors, and fears.  Make no judgments.  Just listen and provide support.") 

Please start paying attention to those around you (especially if they are a student who has learning disabilities - see picture below)! Practice empathy on a daily basis.  Let's teach all our children to be emphatic so they will be kinder to one another.  Please pass this on to help save the life of someone in pain.  Finally, remember I really do care about the lives of everyone and always here.  If you are in pain, know you are not alone!

Here's a link to a recent post about Asking for Help.  This is another critical post for parents!

(Image: student sitting at a computer desk with books in front of him and he is holding his head in his hands looking down as if defeated and a quote from Stephanie Sergent Daniel's article 'Reading Disabilities Put Students at Risk for Suicidal Thoughts and Behaviors and Dropping Out of School' - "In our study, poor readers were three times more likely than typical readers to consider or attempt suicide ant six times more likely to drop out of school.  Educators and parents should be aware of the risk of suicidal thoughts and behaviors among adolescents with reading problems.")

7 things to do for a positive 2017

2016 is now over and it is time to reflect back on the year... 

1.)  Overall did you have a good year?  

2.)  Would you do it all the same if you could do it over?

3.) Did you answer no to either of the top two questions?  

If so then you need to really think about what you need to change in yourself, attitude, beliefs, environment, situation.... for 2017.

You need to look at the lessons you have learned over the last year and how to work not repeating any mistakes.  We all make mistakes.  In fact, mistakes are great, they help us learn who we really are and what we really like and dislike.  We learn more from the mistakes we make than the things we do right.  

So here's what you can do to prepare for the next year:

1.) Appreciate all the mistakes you have made over the last year because these things taught you a lot about yourself and the world around you.

2.) Focus not on the negative things that happened to you but the positive things that occurred - this includes our lessons learned.  

3.) Focus on the positive things you want to bring into your life in the year 2017.  Write down a list of these positive things you want in your life.  Remember what we focus on we expand.

4.) Don't make a list of resolutions such as, "I will lose 10 pounds."  Instead make a list of aspects of life you want to  improve in yourself - "I will be loving to others,"  "I will accept myself for who I am," and "I will focus on the positive."  

5.) Remember when you focus on the negative or stress over things that are happening in your life you are bringing in negative energy.  Negative begets negative and no one deserves to live a negative life (if you just thought of someone you think deserves a negative life than you just brought negative energy on yourself - not the other person - you are only harming yourself!).

6.) Let go of expectations.  You will not have a perfect life - shit happens all the time.  If you expect things to be a certain way you will become disappointed and this is negative energy.  Don't expect things to go wrong but don't expect them to be perfect either.  Just enjoy the moments as they are occurring.  So what the dog just pooped in the closet -clean it up and move on- don't let it ruin your whole day.  So what you were late to the meeting - let it go - you finally got there right?  If others are upset with you because you are late that's their negative energy don't allow it to make you negative.  Don't allow another person's negative energy to make you have negative self-talk.  

7.) Finally, want to know how to stop that negative self-talk?  We all do it from time to time and some do it more than others so here's how to stop it from controlling you.   Every time you catch yourself having negative self-talk fight back.  Yep, fight back - argue back with yourself!  Shout it out loud if you have to - say the opposite the negative self-talk is saying.   For example, if the negative self-talk is saying that you are "no good and worthless" than fight back by strongly saying "Heck no, I am good and I do have worth."  You may not believe it at first but don't stop because eventually you will change that negative self-talk! 

So take some time to reflect over the last year and make positive plans for 2017!  

Letting it go

It has been a few days since I posted anything because I had surgery (anterior cervical spine fusion C5-C7) almost a week ago.  

I had heard really good things about this surgery and went in with a positive attitude that my surgery will turn out well.  I am glad to say the surgery did turn out well. I do have a few complications in the recovery process. I didn't realize that "your throat will be sore" actually meant you will be in severe pain and not be able to swallow liquid or food.  I have never had to actually chew Jello before and I choke on sips of water.  The good news is things are slowly getting better every day.

The other area that did not turn out as expected is how I would be supported in recovery.  I don't know why I expected that I would come home the day of surgery and others would help take over my job duties.  Oh, I know why I expected this.... the doctor told me that I was to just sit back and don't do anything but focus on getting better. 

Well, I am the kind of person who hates to see my job duties not completed so I have still been washing dishes, cleaning the house, cooking meals, wrapping gifts, and even doing some last minute Christmas shopping with one of my kids.  I had expected the people in my life to stop me from doing these things when I started doing them or prevent me from even starting by having them already done.  

Please understand I am not complaining about those in my life who have not been taking care of me.  They are all doing the best they can. I am actually admitting that I had unrealistic expectations... AGAIN!  

It has been a big "ah-ha" moment for me to realize that my expectations for others are still too high.  I have always had these dreams that others will do things for me, celebrate things with me, want to help me, listen to me, or even really get to know me and then boom these ideas explode like a overfilled balloon.  

So I have decided the best way for me to get through this holiday season is to just let go.  I will let go of my disappointment and let the past be the past.  I can't change the way things have happened or how other people act but I can choose to let go and let the past be the past.  

I wrote this today to let it out of my system so I can move on.  Here it is out in the open and now I will just let it go.  I will be realistic and know that I will be hurt in the future by exceptions because it is my nature to want to be treated a specific way and once in a while. I will always have dreams that I will be treated like I matter. 

  

Spiritual Sunday: How to have a great life!

Have you ever thought that your life would be better if you just reached a specific milestone (graduate, got a job...) or if you found the right person or moved to a different city?  I bet you discovered that your life did not get better.  You did not have this magical change.  Maybe because of Fairy Tales we expect life to just one day become perfect.  Well, I hate to be your Dark Fairy Godmother and burst your fantasy bubble but that's not reality.  

We don't just all of a sudden have the perfect stress-free life when we reach milestones or even lose that last 5 pounds.  Life is really about learning to become as strong as you can and appreciate what you have and who you are at this very moment.  Life is about dreams - it's about the journey getting to those dreams and not about the end destination.  Yes, once you get to the end destination you will be changed but the reason you are changed is BECAUSE of the journey!  It was the journey - the challenges, trials, and tribulations that made you change, not finally achieving this dream (graduation, perfect person, job, place to live......).  

One of my favorite quotes is below in the pic quote I made.  Kurt Vonnegut wrote "We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down."  This is exactly the point. To have a full-filling and happy life you must become stronger and the way to do that is to go after your dreams, fight all the battles you have to fight, take chances, and be an active participant in your own life.  In other words, get off your f-ing couch or computer chair and focus on making yourself stronger.  Building your wings takes time and a lot of practice.  Print this picture to remind yourself that your path in life is meant to be difficult and that is why it will be beautiful because you are full-filling your purpose!

Not long ago I heard a song that reminded me of this quote and I listen to when I want to be reminded that I can learn to fly - I just have to trust that I learn on the way down!  When you are feeling like you can't keep going you may find this song very helpful.  

Direct link to Maddie and Tae singing "Fly"

Spiritual Sunday - forgiveness!

We all make mistakes and bad choices at times in our lives. Sometimes we know that the choices are bad but sometimes we think we are doing the right thing only to discover later it was a terrible idea.  Of course, the realization that it was a bad decision is only after it has been made so the damage is already done.  

What we have to remember is we cannot beat ourselves up because of the mistakes we make.  We must remember this is life and a part of the learning process.  

So here's a message you need to say to yourself - "I forgive you, (state your name here), I believe in you and know that you will make better choices and decisions when you know better and the best way to know better is to learn from the mistakes you are making.  Life is about learning and growing so remember you are becoming better with each mistake you make."   

Motivational Monday: Plan to have a great life

Do you want a great life?  Well, then you must plan for this to happen.  If you are just waiting around for your life to get better, luck to change, or people to step up and love you then you will never achieve a great life.  You must put forth your own actions to make these changes.  So today, write down ways you can be productive, things you can learn, and how you can grow and change for the better.  Don't live on auto-pilot! Live consciously and to do this you must make plans!  I promise your life will be great if you make plans in your life.  Now you also must remember that you cannot expect everything to just work out how you plan because that is NOT the nature of life.  You will hit roadblocks, you will have disappointments, you will experience failures but just make sure you plan for these as well and they will NOT be too overwhelming.   

Why do we mistrust and distrust?

Why do we mistrust and distrust?   A better question is really- why do we trust at all?   

According to Erik Erikson, the most important period in a person's life is between birth and 18 months old, during the stage of trust vs. mistrust.  Children depend on their parents to protect and nurture them.   Unfortunately, not all parents can be trusted.  Some parents cause their children pain - intentional and unintentional.  This causes children to learn not to trust and yet they still have hope that the person who is put on this earth to take care of them will keep them safe and protected.  

What Erikson seems to miss is how this isn't the only time in a person's life that trust is a vital area of concern.  Yes, children who learn to mistrust during these very beginning years may continue to have trust issues throughout life.  This does not mean that children who develop strong trust during this stage will never encounter times where they struggle with trust. 

Another time in a person's life mistrust and distrust are formed is when a child attends school.  We trust that school districts will protect and educate our children.  We trust that teachers will have enough knowledge to teach each individual child. This trust is broken when the school does not protect children and cannot or choose not to educate children.  Yep, some school districts and teachers actually make a conscious decision to NOT provide a student with their free and appropriate education.  For some this trust is broken just once but for many each year is a repeated betrayal of trust.  Many of these children develop learned helplessness (check out my past article on this to fully understand). 

We also have to trust in our relationship with others. We have all different types of relationships everyday - friends, coworkers, family, romantic...   A relationship with another person is often very tricky because it is not always congruent.  At times, one person is more vested in the relationship than the other person.  Humans are egocentric, so they engage in relations with others to get specific needs met and this requires us to trust that the other person is able to meet those needs.  There are many people who violate this trust.  You will encounter people in your life that will use you for their own benefit.  

What we have to understand is the importance of mistrust and distrust.  Mistrust is often a general sense of unease and apprehension while distrust is based on negative experiences or reliable information that a person is deceptive and their motives and intentions are harmful. 

Some distrust is functional and good for us so we do not get taken advantage of or our rights violated.  - here's a fun example of functional distrust: 

Distrust can also be dysfunctional.  High levels of distrust can cause a person to avoid being vulnerable with anyone and negatively impact relationships. The main reason for this is when a person expects they can trust someone and that trust is violated it causes more psychological damage than if a person was expecting to distrust someone and experienced trustworthiness instead.  

The insight I want you to get from this is that your mistrust and distrust are not necessarily negative thoughts you need to change.  They are there to keep you protected.  The more aware you are about your own levels of mistrust and distrust the better you will be able to know when you have crossed over into dysfunctional distrust.  

My goal is to be more aware of my own levels of trust, mistrust, and distrust so I can keep myself protected.  

We must remember that actions speak louder than words so if someone tells you that they can be trusted pay more attention to their actions.  

Cartoon Saturday - too much work!

Why disabilities need to be included when teaching diversity

I recently went to a Diversity Conference that was hosted by my school district, where my children attend and I am on the Diversity Committee.  When planning this event, as usual, I kept pushing to make sure that Disabilities (especially learning disabilities) was on the agenda as well because we really need to embrace ALL diversity.  I have been wanting to report on this event and share with you the really great sessions I attended.  I will touch base briefly on the three sessions I attended (there was a lunch session but it was really us just chatting & eating).

Session 1: “This Exit, No Return”: Voices of parents whose children have severe disabilities and what they want the world to know.  Dr. Joy Cowdery  

This session we read from a play that depicted the voices of real parents who have children with severe disabilities.  As you can expect, I cried and I cried, oh yeah, I cried.  Good thing I have courage to be vulnerable.  Being able to put myself in the shoes of another comes easy for me.  I am also a parent of 3 kids with disabilities and a person with disabilities so I could really relate to the emotional rollercoaster the short play takes you on.  This was very powerful.  I also highly enjoyed the conversation after with other parents.  We, parents of children with disabilities, are the minority and it would have been great if parents of “typical” children (majority) attended this session- but they didn’t (unless they were an intervention teacher & that doesn’t count - it’s their job).  The minority of us need for the majority to understand what it is like to live in our shoes and see the world from our perspectives.  This is the same as a person of color wanting those in the majority race to understand what the world is like for them.  The more that is understood the less we will be judged and discriminated against.  I’m not sure if Dr. Cowdery is a parent of a child with a disability because either she didn’t disclose or I missed it somehow.  The play was the “voices” of real parents of children with disabilities and that left a lasting impression. 

Session 2: It’s Possible: How to begin Including LGBTQ themed books into the curriculum.  Dr. Dee Knoblauch

After coming off the emotional rollercoaster from the last session I was knew I would cry again in this session and of course, I did.  Dr. Knoblauch explained the importance of having books in the classrooms and libraries that have characters and/or subject matter about people who are LGBTQ – Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, & Questioning.  She shared with us lists of appropriate books she has already read and researched. These books are appropriate for middle and high school.  I was thrilled to get these lists.  As a counselor I suggest books for clients to ear-read or eye-read as a form of biblotherapy.  When we read books with characters and situations similar to ourselves and what we are going through, we can relate and feel connected.  By reading we can live vicariously through the characters, learn lessons, and know we are NOT alone.  Being LGBTQ is being a minority in a world where the majority is not often open and accepting. I appreciated Dr. Knoblauch sharing her own personal experiences being a lesbian, living with her partner while raising daughters together because this information gave credibility to her choices of appropriate reading material.    I’m in the processing of checking for Dr. Knoblauch to see if these books are also available in audiobook format since I ear-read SOOO much better than I can eye-read.

Session 3: Teaching African American History: Movies, Music, and Multimedia.  Dr. Hasan Kwame Jeffries

I’m a movie fanatic and, like books, they can be used in counseling to help clients work through some of their own issues.  As you know I’m a passionate inclusionist and want everyone to learning to see the world through the perspective of others!  This is the best way we, as a society can become stronger and a great way to build empathy (remember – Empathy is the antidote to bullying,bias, & bigotry).  Dr. Jeffries was outstanding as he explained how he taught African American History to students using movies and critical discussions.  As he held up the movies and started to talk about them, I cried.  Not the boo hoo crying but the tears just flowed because I know these movies, I have made my own children watch these movies when it was my pick for “Family Movie Night” in the Lam house.  I raise my children the same way I was raised – teaching empathy, acceptance, and understanding along the way.  This session was validating to me because I am raising my children the way Dr. Jefferies is teaching his classes- having them watch movies and then critically discussing them. I was also thrilled to learn of a few movies that my children have not seen and I will make sure that I get these movies soon.   

Lessons learned - the lived experience of being disabled from the person with the disability:

I really enjoy learning new things and having the opportunity to attend these sessions.  I was glad to see that there were some sessions on dyslexia (Dyslexia simulations & Dyslexia 101).  I did not attend these sessions for a couple reasons.  First, as a person with dyslexia I know firsthand what it is really like to live with this disability.  Second, I teach others about dyslexia and conduct simulations, although I do much more work at explaining how the dyslexic brain processes language, how appropriate accommodations can alleviate frustration, and able to provide examples from my own life. 

I also feel that to really educate others about what it is like to be a specific race, culture, sexual orientation, or disability the presenter should be of that race, culture, sexual orientation, or have that disability.  I always find it interesting when I hear non-disabled people speaking about what it is like to be dyslexic, dysgraphic, or ADD (all my invisible disabilities) because they really have NO idea what it is like to grow up and live with these disabilities on a daily basis.  Nevertheless, many people feel they can teach about what it is like to have these disabilities because they have a child with one, took classes, or read some research/books.  That’s kind of like me teaching a class on what it is like to be Asian because my husband is Asian and my children are half Asian.  Now, I can teach a class on Chinese New Year because that is about the traditions we do in our home to celebrate. I can teach about what it is like having biracial children or being in an interracial marriage. Are you still not convinced that a person with a disability is the best one to teach about what it is like to live with that disability?  Do you still think that it is okay for a non-dyslexic person to teach a simulation on what it is like to be dyslexic?  Well, then, let me put it this way… who would be better to teach what it like to be African American – a white person or an African American person?  

Although I can empathize what it is like to be discriminated against being LGBTQ it would be inappropriate for me to be the spokesperson for the LGBTQ experience.  Can I still support them – you bet!   Being in the majority population of sexual orientation my support, empathy, and understanding would be a wonderful way to make the world a better place for the LGBTQ (or any race/culture/disability…).  I have many friends that are LGBTQ that I love and respect but it would be an incongruous of me to teach about the lived experience of being LGBTQ.   

I often explain that I would make a TERRIBLE drug and alcohol counselor because I’ve NEVER been there.  I could counselor them as the books and research tell me to – evidence based research of proven methods to overcome being an addict, but I would be a major failure.  I would be a failure because the whole time I would be thinking – WTF, just stop drinking, doing drugs, watching porn… I would be making judgments all along that I am better because I don’t have these addictions and this makes not only an ineffective counselor but also an unethical one.  I believe that the best addictions counselor is one who has been there.  A person who has spiraled to the depths of addictions and survived so they can take others along the same journey without judgment. 

The world would be a much better place is we really celebrated ALL types of diversity and those who are diverse can teach us.  I want to know what it is like to be a person of a specific race, culture, religion, sexual orientation…. the list goes on but I want to learn this information from someone who IS that race, culture, religion………    The more understanding we have the more empathy we will acquire and the less hate and discrimination will occur but we first have to realize that the best teachers are the ones who live though the experiences.  

Here are some great picture quotes that really express the importance of teaching about disabilities from people with the disabilities.  When was the last time you learned about the history of the disability rights movement?  Did you even know there was a disability rights movement?  

Why do we ignore disabilities when we talk about diversity?  Why is it okay to ignore that disabilities don't exist?   The rights of every person with a disability - visible or invisible are being violated frequently.  This would not be tolerated if we treated a person of a color or religion these ways.  Think about it! I am so blessed to be in a school district that holds a diversity conference so we can all become better people!

Spiritual Sunday - Living Life focused on the Details -Jill Lam

I've been MIA from posting recently because I've been caught up in being productively busy. To me life is not about making money, it is about living consciously, helping others, being creative, living with integrity.  

I have the spirit of nature in my soul.  I need to be in the woods just as much as I need to breathe, eat, and sleep. I am usually always seen with a camera in hand because I love to take pictures.  I also love to write.  I have books of my own poetry, words of wisdom, and quotes from others that I have been filling up since I was in elementary school.  

I am compelled to make picture quotes and I am trilled when I can make my own.   I currently admin 5 Facebook pages and I work very hard to express myself creatively on these pages via my picture quotes.  I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy making them.  Although they are very time consuming, they are also very cathartic.  

Enjoy my Dragonfly Friends - I appreciate your support and positive comments for I do this out of my own passions.

I usually have 2 camera's with me- This is a pic of me taking some close up shots.

I can get real close at times but darn catching pictures of Dragonflies is HARD - they don't like to stay still!

Here's one of my pathways in the woods - I love this quote it makes me feel so good to read it everyday!

I love these rocks, they are one of my favorites and I collect them.  Have you ever let one sit in the sun and then hold it against your skin - such a warm and intense feeling.

I love hiking in the early morning when the dew is still on the ground.  I used this picture for this quote because the flower is not perfect and yet it is so beautiful.  We need to remember that we should support each other and not hurt each other.  Are you someone who helps and supports?

I just found this guy the other day, he's a Damselfly and not a Dragonfly (although I love them just the same).  You can tell the difference because when resting the Damselfly holds his wings close to his body while a Dragonfly holds his wings straight out, as if saying to the world -look at me!

Finally here's a Dragonfly picture that I took the day I was getting up close and personal!

Spiritual Sunday - 2 Ways to Get Over Disappointment

We all have to experience disappointment but this is something that I struggle overcoming.  I really do understand that all of our hopes and dreams will not come true.  No matter how much we work for something, how much effort we put into something, we still may obtain the desired results.  

This is a crushing feeling.  A feeling that is not easy to get over.  How quickly we get over these feelings often depends on how badly we wanted to reach our goal.  The feelings are heartbreaking at times.  

Disappointments are in our lives to help us with perspectives it means that we need to readjust our thinking, expectations, and goals.  

The challenge is- the feelings of disappointment are real and may last for a long time.  So here are 2 things you can do to help you on your road to recovery.

1- acknowledge that you are disappointed and focus on what exactly it is you are disappointed about. Did you really want a job that you didn't get?  Is it this job specifically you wanted or is the pain of disappointment because you just wanted a job? Know explicitly what you are disappointed about and you will be able to get over it more quickly.

2 - once you know exactly what you are disappointed about focus on ways to get to that goal via a different pathway or readjust your perspective of success.  If this is something you really wanted - say a specific job then are there other ways you can get a job similar to this one?  Can you reach your goal in a different way?  What are the lessons you have learned from this disappointment? Sometimes we experience disappointment because we feel like a failure if we do not achieve our goal/dream.  This does not make you a failure you are still a success you just have to alter your understanding of the word success.

The key is to not give up on YOU!  You can give up on the dream/goal/hope but don't give up on you!  Stop being disappointed in YOU and know you did the best you could - that goal/dream was not meant to be at this very moment - you need to learn things first or change the direction you are going.  

Why people are mean and what you can do about it

I’ll confess, I have a major problem.  The problem is I’m a helpless fixer, problem-solver, and cheerleader of the “underdog.” 

How is this a major problem?  I want everyone to be the best that they can be.  I have a passion for helping others achieve self-actualization.  Why?  Because I live in the light and know the world is a great place when we are caring, supportive, accepting human beings.  I know that negative behaviors are symptoms of problems, insecurities, issues…  So when others are mean, hateful, nasty, or rude to me or my family; it triggers my inner helper. 

I’m not saying that it doesn’t hurt when others are mean to me, I’m human.  When someone does something mean or hateful to me (or my family) my initial reaction is to feel pain but my emotional intelligence (EQ) kicks in and I start to see the situation in a different light.  People are mean because they are hurt, they are experiencing their own inner turmoil and issues.  We all experience emotional pain from others but not all of us are mean.  People who understand in life that we are not in competition with each other but only ourselves and that we are each on our own Hero’s journey toward our own quests and enlightenment are the kind of people who have empathy, kindness, compassion, and support of others.  People who believe that it is a ‘dog eat dog’ world out there, have insecurity issues, jealousy, have inferiority complexes, and often attack those around them, especially if they feel threatened in any way (socially, professionally, intellectually…).  I’m not saying these are bad people, I’m saying they are broken people with immature emotional development.  If they knew themselves better, accepted themselves more, and understood that it is hurting themselves not others to be mean and rude, than they would be able to walk a path of enlightenment and joy. 

People who are emotionally mature and enlightened are not saints, we have stressors and breakdowns.  It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable (Remember Vulnerability is a Good Thing!) and really see ourselves in the mirror.  I know I’m a “Looney Tune” at times (our family term for when you lose it).  Heck, I’m very similar to the TV mom, Frankie Heck from the TV show The Middle…  Here’s a quick view of me in a “Looney Tune” moment! 

I hope you are laughing because I am.  We laugh all the time in this house how this is me – The Middle is our life!  The kids also point out how I am also just like Sue Heck (the positive daughter in the show).  Yep that’s me too (see below)…

The thing is, when people are rude or mean to me, I find it as a challenge.  I see it for what it is; a person who is in pain (over-stressed, insecure, jealous, afraid…).  It triggers my desire to want to help them overcome these issues.  It is not about getting them to like ME, that is very different and honestly I have enough people who accept me, I don’t need haters in my life to “like me” to validate that I’m a good person.  I know I’m a good person.  I know I have good intentions, find humor and positive insights in things that happen in my life, and live my life with ethics and integrity.  So when a person interprets an email or Facebook post differently than what I intended I know it is based on their issues not mine.  People project their own tone and issues into emails and FB posts/messages because they cannot see the person.  So if I write “Thank you” the reader is the one who determines if it is said with sincerity or sarcasm and that is based on THEIR issues not mine.  To help the reader understand my tone I often put in qualifiers (“said with a smile” or “said in a tone of sadness”…).   This doesn’t always stop the misinterpretations because when people have issues they often have trust issues, so they assume their interpretation must be correct.   

I’m on my own Hero’s Journey and spend time helping others along the way-I see it as an exciting challenge.   For example, not long ago, while waiting on a flight to arrive in the airport (one of my favorite places to people watch) I noticed a male airline worker getting snapped at by passengers about a scheduling delay.  I watched as this man was degraded over and over by rude people and transform into a person who, in turn, started snapping at others (innocent people).  When we were called up to the gate, I was pleased that I was near the front of the line and was able to lean over to him and tell him that I was impressed how well he handled those rude passengers, I thanked him for his service, told him good things will happen because he was so patient, and gave him a genuine warm smile.  My heart melted as he reached over to me, touched my arm and said “Thank you that was so nice to hear.”  His whole body language changed, he took a deep breath and held his head higher.  This was NOT about me, I was just on my journey, saw someone in pain and stopped to help.  He just needed to be validated that he mattered.  Everyone wants to matter, they want to feel important and valued. 

Want to make your life better?  Want to feel good about yourself?  Then start living consciously, working on your own issues, stop being in competition with others and focus only on being the best YOU that you can be.  Know that when you are mean or rude to someone you are showing others that you are insecure, self-conscious, jealous….  These will not bring you joy as you travel on your Hero’s journey.  To conquer them you must be vulnerable and willing to battle against these.  When you have empathy and stop projecting your issues on others your life will be better! 

Here’s the character Sue Heck’s report on “Is smiling contagious?”   I have found this to be true and love watching the smiles spread because it makes a better world!  

P.S. Oh for those who don't watch The Middle here's their original trailer from years ago - it is still on and the kids have gotten older but the same chaos occurs.  The really is my current life (I say current because this is only one chapter of my life on my Hero's Journey) Enjoy!

**P.S.S okay one more for those who, like me sit through all the credits of a movie just to see anything the directors add at the end - of I love those!!  I hope this makes you smile!  Go Dragonflies of the world!