Depression in school-aged children especially those with disabilities

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A true story about depression – this could be you:

A student, "Thomas." has a learning disability and an IEP (the type of LD doesn’t matter as any will fit here for this story).  He knows that he doesn’t learn like the other students, is often excluded by his peers (bullied as well), and feels overwhelmed in the school environment.  Over time Thomas became depressed, he refused to attend school, and eventually, he contemplated suicide.  His parents have always been strong advocates for their son and contacted the school seeking help. The parents were surprised when instead of receiving support, they were attacked and blamed for his current situation.  The school principal became defensive and stated that the parents are at fault and they “need to work with them, not against them.”  The guidance counselor also condemned the parents stating as a counselor she is too busy to address all the needs of the students and she has done nothing wrong waiting for over a day to return the phone call.  The parents got help for their son outside of the school district but were not able to obtain appropriate support at the school which was the source of the problem. 
The Facts:

September is Suicide Awareness week, and October is Depression Awareness Month, so I want to address an issue that is often brushed aside and minimized.  It is depression.  Depression is one of the most common mental disorders, and according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), 1 in 11 children will experience clinical depression before the age of 14.  Furthermore, the risk of depression increases as a child gets older and is the leading cause of disability among Americans ages 15-44 according to the World Health Organization (WHO).  Depression affects a person’s entire physical and mental well-being. 

Did you know that students with learning disabilities (LD) have statistically higher accounts of depressions than their peers without LD?  Having a disability makes attending school challenging.  Students with disabilities know that their lives are not under their control, they are painfully aware that they don’t fit in, have academic failures, and experience a number of social rejections. Unfortunately, depression is not addressed in schools (another forbidden “D” word).  Many if not all kids with learning disabilities experience Learned Helplessness and this does NOT mean the child is coddled by their parents! Read this article to educate yourself on Learned Helplessness!

One of the reasons depression is not discussed, is shame.  Parents already experience a variety of emotions regarding having a child with a disability.  To make matters worse, teachers, counselors, school psychologists, and administrators often blame parents for the child’s academic struggles and behaviors.  I am frequently in meetings where school staff members give parenting advice and have blatantly stated that the child wouldn’t have these difficulties if the parents would only…“read with the child, help with homework, stop doing the child’s homework, discipline consistently, stop cuddling the child, reduce their social/sports schedule, increase their social/sports schedule”, and the list is endless.  When parents already feel responsible for their child’s struggles these comments only make the situation worse, not better.  This “blame the parents” approach makes it more difficult for the parents to bring up concerns about depression and the school staff perceiving the symptoms of depression as a parenting problem.

The second reason depression is not discussed is that people don’t know the symptoms of depression in children and adolescents, especially ones with a disability.  The symptoms of depression are often common signs of other problems, and the severity of these symptoms is not taken seriously.    

The following are some symptoms of depression (these will be unique to each person):

• Irritability, anger, angry outbursts  
• Continuous feelings of sadness, hopelessness, helplessness – feeling melancholy or sad most of the day
• Withdrawal from family and friends
• Over clinging to parents
• Feelings of anxiety, phobias
• Increased sensitivity to rejection or criticism
• Changes in appetite - either increased (weight gain) or decreased (weight loss)
• Changes in sleep (sleeplessness, too much sleep)
• Crying, temper tantrums, or sulking
• Difficulty concentrating
• Memory loss
• Fatigue (tiredness) low or decreased energy
• Physical Complaints or chronic pain (stomach aches, headaches) that do not respond to treatment (possible real physical problem or feigning illness)
• Digestive Disorders
• Reduced ability to function during activities at home or with friend, in school, extracurricular activities, and in hobbies or interests
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Getting into trouble, increased behavior problems
• Inability to experience pleasure or excitement even when doing activities that were pleasurable
• Mania or putting on a good front by being over happy
• Experimentation with drugs or alcohol
• Thoughts or talk of death or suicide

To get a direct perspective of what depression it is like for a popular non-learning disabled student watch this video of Kevin Breel (Confessions of a Depressed Comic):  Watch one of the two - sometimes phones do not allow a video to play so you have two options to choose from, but they are the same video!

Embedded video 

Kevin Breel (Confessions of a Depressed Comic)

What can be done:

Depression can be treated and children experiencing depression MUST be treated because if they do not get help, it will only get worse.  According to the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI), once a child experiences depression, the child is at risk of developing another depression within five years.  Eventually, the child may contemplate or attempt suicide.  Did you know that according to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, suicide is the third leading cause of death for 5-15 year-olds?    

If we continue to minimize depression, we risk losing children to suicide.  Is this a risk we want to take?  NO!

So, make sure you, as a parent know what to look for regarding depression.  Ask the school staff members to also be educated on depression and look for signs and symptoms in all children.  The earlier this is caught, the easier it is to treat. 

(Image: black and white photo of a student sitting at a computer desk with books and a computer on the top of the desk and the student is sitting with his/her head down being held up by his/her hands with elbows resting on the desk.  Quote from Stephanie Sergent Daniel's article 'Reading Disabilities Put Students at Risk for Suicidal Thoughts and Behaviours and Dropping out of School' - "In our study, poor readers were three times more likely than typical readers to consider or attempt suicide and six times more likely to drop out of school.  Educators and parents should be aware of the risk of suicidal thoughts and behaviors among adolescents with reading problems.")

(Image: a figure sitting with their hands clasped and their head down and the words "Did you know?  1 in 11 children will experience clinical depression before the age of 14 & suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 5-15 year-olds?  It's time to talk about depression")

5 things a great coach needs to know!

Spring sports are starting!! I wrote this article because I understand sports from a varieity of perspectives! I have 3 children who have played almost all team & individual sports 2 of them are die-hard soccer players.  I have been a coach's wife for many years as well- my husband coached our children in some of their little league sports but mainly coached middle school teams.  Finally, I have a Ph.D. in psychology with a specialization in educational psychology.  In an interview regarding the 2014 World Cup the US Men’s National Team Soccer Coach, Juergen Klinsmann stated – “We cannot win the World Cup because we are not at that level yet.  For us, we have to play the game of our lives seven times to win the tournament.”  This comment and some personal experiences got me thinking about sports psychology.

Sports psychology is vital in the world of sports just like educational psychology is essential in the world of education.  The two are almost identical except in different arenas.  Sadly, both of these psychologies are not utilized well and most of the time the key figures (administrators, teachers, coaches, and directors of sports program) have little if any knowledge of how utilizing psychology is the first pathway to success.  True, these people may have had some exposure to the concept of psychology in their fields (education or sports) but they all seem to lack an in-depth understanding so they can proficiently incorporate it in their teaching and coaching. 

What is even more devastating is how people in the sports world are even more ignorant about people with hidden disabilities; Asperger’s, Attention Deficit Disorder, Dyslexia…  A person may have exceptional athletic talent but they will never reach their athletic potential because coaches along the way are uninformed and ill-informed about these types of disabilities.  Coaches often don’t even realize that a player has one of these hidden disabilities because these disabilities are not often obvious just by looking at the person.  Just as a teacher can make or break a student, a coach has the power to make or break a player.  I know many great athletics who never made it to their highest level of performance all because they had uneducated coaches along the way.  A team can have all highly skilled players yet not win games because an ineffective coach is damaging the players psychologically.

I’m pretty sure the US Soccer Coach, Klinsmann was telling the world his team isn’t as good as the other teams and has no chance to win the World Cup because he is using psychology to get into the minds of his players and opponents.  The opponents will come into the game of play overconfident and this may be their downfall.  Coach Klinsmann may think that he is doing what Herb Brooks, Coach for the US Men’s National Hockey Team did years ago.  In the 1980 Winter Olympics, Coach Brooks publicly belittled his players and even stated “Unless the ice melts, or unless the United States team or another team performs a miracle, as did the American squad in 1960, the Russians are expected to win the Olympics gold medal for the sixth time in the last seven tournaments.”   The Russians were overconfident and the players were upset with their coach so they bonded together and did create a miracle by winning gold.  What Coach Klinsmann  actually did though was creating a self-filling prophecy.  Remember, I write frequently that “What we focus on we expand.”  Coach Klinsmann got exactly what he has predicted because that is what they were all focused on, especially if the coach and the players believe there is no chance of winning. The USA Men's team was knocked out by Belgium in Round 16.  

These USA soccer players were supposed to be the top players in the US but maybe these soccer players are not the best of the best athletically but the players who with more athletically skills had a bad coach or two early on and was never given a chance or they quit. Some coaches believe that this is a good thing because the weak minded are weeded out.  Unfortunately these are the players that could be the best in the world if coached with a positive psychology approach.  The brain is not designed to handle being broken at such a young age. Being broken early is very common for players who have a hidden disability.  I have worked with some very talented athletics that have been broken by coaches or not given a chance because the coach have a negative confirmation bias or the player is struggling academically and doesn’t have the GPA to even be allowed to play. 

There are athletics with disabilities that have become very successful such as: Michael Phelps (ADHD), Terry Bradshaw (ADHD), Bruce Jenner (Dyslexia), Greg Louganis (Dyslexia), Molly Sullivan Sliney (Dyslexia), Anthony Crudale (Asperger’s), Clay Marzo (Asperger’s) – the list could go on and on…  But for every athlete that reaches the top level there are hundreds of talented athletes who never make it that far because of negative experiences often related to coaching.  

The reason these players made it this far is they had some coaches that believed in them and helped build their self-esteem.  They had at least one coach devote time to their development.  When a coach takes time to really focus on developing a player they get better.  If the coach doesn't put effort into the player and treats the player poorly then they don't improve or get worse - it's the Matthew Effect (the rich get richer and the poor get poorer). 

Many assume that all a coach needs to know is the sport and how to teach the players the technical and tactical aspects of the specific sport.  This is wrong, the most important part of making a successful player and team all relates to psychology. 

So, here are 5 things every coach needs to know to improve players and have a strong winning team.  Since the coach has the power to create or destroy a player’s athletic success it is vital to know what to look for in a coach or things to strive for if you are a coach. 

1-   Every team will have players with a hidden disability.  Yep, that is correct!  One out of five is dyslexic so if you have a team of 10 players there’s a good chance at least 2 are dyslexic.  Parents are often not going to disclose their child has a disability for the following reasons: they may not even know their child has a disability, they may be afraid their child will be labeled or stigmatized, they know that the coach isn’t as knowledgeable as they are so the coach may be very misinformed (the coach may believe that if a player has dyslexia that means they are not very bright), or they may worry that their child will be treated differently.   What a great coach should do – become educated on ADHD, Dyslexia, Asperger’s… there are plenty of resources on the internet.  A good way for clubs to educated their coaches is to have someone like me (an Educational Coach & expert on all types of hidden disabilities) come in and do an educational professional development workshop to teach the coaches about these disabilities; what they are, how they may appear on the field/court, and strategies to use to help these players reach their athletic potential which in turn will produce more successful teams. Coaches often ask why they should care if a child has a hidden disability and the answer to this is - if you know then you will be a more effective coach.  For example, if you know that a player has dyslexia then you will have a better understanding why they confuse their left and right and they will learn quicker if you demonstrate using the foot/hand you want them to use instead of telling them with words (or telling the player to go "inside" instead of saying go left).

2-   What you focus on will expand – so focus on what you want and refrain from focusing on what you don’t want.  Having 3 children all involved in sports this is a common mistake I see from almost every coach.  What happens is a coach will tell a player to stop doing something or to not do something.  For example, on the soccer field I have heard coaches say things like: “don’t kick to the goalie,” “don’t kick the ball more than 2 times,” and “why did (or didn’t) you pass.”  These type of comments cause the player to focus on what you don’t want them to do.  The way the brain is designed, the brain will focus on the action you are describing and the words they can visualize as pictures. So, if you want a player to perform a specific action then you need to tell the player explicitly what action you want them to perform.  If the coach tells the player “away from the goalie” the player will still be focused on the “goalie” and therefore will kick the ball to the goalie (it’s just the way the brain works).  So the best way to phrase this would be “Kick to the net, shoot to the net, focus on the net…” See, you get the picture – YOU can create the picture.  This is especially true for players with hidden disabilities because they respond best when given explicit instructions of what to do and can visualize the play.  What a great coach should do – Pay attention to what you are saying.  If you want your players to perform well then what you say to them matters.  Tell players explicitly what you want from them in a positive way. 

3-   Belittling, degrading, and demeaning does NOT work!  There is some old-school belief that coaches need to ‘break’ their players or berate them – think Bobby Knight.  What we have learned via sports psychology is that this makes a player and team less productive, especially if their frontal lobes of their brains are still developing.  This form of coaching is actually a form of emotional and mental abuse.  This type of coaching does not build a better player.  If a player or team is successful and the coach behaves this way know that it it was not the coaching. It was other factors because effective coaches are positive and motivating for each and every player.  Most of the time when a coach uses this abusive style they are damaging a players self-esteem and these wounds can last a life-time.  This type of coaching will also produce inconsistent and poor player performance on the field/court.  Here’s why this happens.  When the brain is learning a physical skill it uses the outer part of the brain to process this skill.  With repetition these skills develop into muscle memory which is in a deeper part of the brain.  When a coach uses these negative coaching strategies the player experiences an anxiety (fight or flight) reaction and the player’s brain changes causing them to have to use their outer brain to think about the athletic skills they are trying to perform.  Their performance becomes inconsistent and inadequate AKA- performance anxiety.  Some coaches believe that their belittling is actually making the player better when in fact the coaches are making the player worse.  Most players brains are NOT able to handle this kind of coaching style.  Watch a player’s body language after the coach berates them.  If you tell a player they will perform poorly then it will happen (what the player focused on expanded).    What a great coach should do – Know it is not making a player weak if you provide positive feedback, inspire, & motivate players.  This will make players better!  Positive begets positive!  Yelling, belittling, and berating distracts the player from their skills and abilities while it damages their self-esteem.  Teams will win more with a positive approach instead of a negative way. 

4-  Players need to know what skills they need to improve, how to improve these skills, and the opportunity to practice this skills in games.  Often coaches want players to improve or play better but they never take the time to explicit explain to the player what they are doing well and what they need to work on.  I don’t mean telling a player to work on their dribbling, I’m saying that a coach needs to tell a player why their dribbling needs improved and specific skill drill to make it better.  By the time a player reaches adolescents, coaches think it is not their job to teach the players skill because they should already know them but this is inaccurate.  Everyone can benefit from learning and improving on skills.  I’ve seen many coaches at the older level run a practice of a few skill drills and then some small sided scrimmages.  They believe they are coaching because once in a while they tell a player what to do or what they did wrong.  This is NOT coaching-- this is babysitting.  Good coaches watch players, know what each player needs to improve, and then target training specifically on these areas. Players with hidden disabilities often need a lot of repetition and over learning to put information into their long-term memory (or in the world of sports – muscle memory). Players cannot improve these skills only at practice sessions they need game time experience.  Coaches who only play the "good" or "talented" players during the game are abusing their power as a coach. The coach who only wants to win so they only play the "best" players and leave others on the bench is NOT an effective coach.  The goal of youth sports should be player development and NOT winning. Sadly, some coaches and clubs think that winning is evidence that they are a great coach or club but that is not true when not every player is getting equal play time on the field/court. What a great coach should do – meet with your players individually at the beginning of the season and then every 2 weeks.  As the coach you should know what each player is doing well and what each player needs to improve.  Focus on at least 3 positives and then 1 goal for improvement. Put the positives and the goal in writing (along with steps you will be helping the player reach this goal) – this way you can review it again in a couple weeks and so the parent knows.  Focus on player development over winning games and assure that each player receives fairly equal play time on the field/court because that is the best place for players to learn, improve, and build their confidence (remember no yelling). When you demonstrate that you believe in your players they will start believing in themselves and strive toward their athletic potential!

5-  Finally, listen to parents.  Yes, there are parents out there who think their child has athletic talent when they really don't but most parents understand what their child needs to improve.  We as parents want our child to improve.  Parents of children with hidden disabilities also have a wealth of information to share so coaches need to listen.  Coaches should be able to tell the difference between a parent who wants their child to improve and a parent who thinks their child is athletically gifted.  It is not easy for parents to advocate for their child athletically because coaches are not receptive to this discussion.  There is often a preconceived idea that the parents are trying to suck up or get their child more play time.  Sometimes a parent just wants a coach to know that their child will shut down if yelled at or often confuses their left or right.  I happen to have a child that does not feel comfortable talking to adults and will avoid the coach.  Coaches may perceive this as rude, arrogant, or apathy but it isn’t – often players with hidden disabilities have learned to shy away from speaking with adults.  Many coaches are not receptive to discussions with parents and only wants to communicate with the players.  Just like the teachers need to keep parents informed about what it going on in the classroom, coaches need to keep parents informed about how to help their child improve athletically.  What a great coach should do – At the beginning of the season email parents a questionnaire and ask them to share with you information about that player.  Let parents know that you are open for conversations.  Be receptive and listen to parents.

A special note to parents – Your child is important so do not allow another person to mentally or emotionally abuse your child.  If your child has a bad coach then try to see if you can move to a different coach.  I’ll be frank here, talking with the club director will probably not work!  Club directors are often focused on the money and the business side and do not want to have to take time to find a new coach.  Club directors also have positive confirmation bias about their coaches (if they like the coach they see most things the coach does in a positive light) so they will not do anything about.  Furthermore, you as a parent will be perceived as difficult.  This isn’t reality but this is often what happens when a parent advocates for their child athletically.  From personal experience I regret not removing my child from the bad coach.  I’m still dealing with the damage the coach has done and guilt that I allowed my child to be exposed to this kind of treatment. 

A special note to Club directors – there are great coaches, good coaches, and bad coaches.  Your club will be much more successful if you do not have bad coaches on staff.  Just because a person is a "good person" does not mean they are a good coach.  If you have parents contacting you about a coach then that coach is a bad coach.  If players are quitting a team then the coach is a bad coach.  Often directors don't want to get rid of the coach because they like them or because they report that they are "good" or "effective" coaches with a great record of success.  My comment to that has and will always be - "think about how much more successful this coach (team & players) would be if this coach understood and utilized all aspects of Sports Psychology!  Think how much better the whole club would be if every coach practiced positive sports psychology.   

Here's a great must watch video: 

Here's a quote I share with teachers and administrators when helping teachers understand educational psychology and the importance of empathy.

(Image: yellow/orange dragonfly on a stick with quote from Haim G. Ginott: "I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element.  It is my personal approach that creates the climate.  It is my daily mood that makes the weather.  I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal.  In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized.  If we treat people as they are, we make them worse.  IF we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming."

Someone you should know: Caiseal Mor, Autistic Artist

People often do not understand Autism and Asperger's.  There is this crazy belief that people on "The Spectrum" do not have creativity or imagination.  This is WRONG!  This is the problem: People are assuming that the desire for structure, consistency, and routines means a person lacks creativity and imagination.  These are very different and should NOT be confused.  People on "The Spectrum" are able to be very creative and imaginative.  One of the symptoms of autism is to look for a lack of pretend or imaginative play; but who are we to judge what is pretend or imaginary if we don't know what is going on in the child's head?  

It is no wonder why there are so many children out there misdiagnosed.  To make matters worse there is a negative perception of the Autism and Asperger's labels. This is why it is vital to make sure the person diagnosing you or your child has the knowledge and expertise in all types of disabilities (you know the saying "to a hammer everything looks like a nail").  Make sure they are experts in all these disabilities - that is the KEY!   

Here's someone you should know:  Caiseal Mor!  Check out the creativity from a person diagnosed with Autism.  Isn't he great! Isn't it great to openly accept people for the gifts they give the world instead of perceiving that something is wrong with them because they are not like the "average" population?

Pilgrimage - Music and video by Caiseal Mor

He also has a interesting website you must check out: http://www.mahjee.com/mahjeedrums.html

Advice: Frustrations is all about Expectations

Take a moment and think back over the last few weeks.  How often did you get frustrated with someone in your life who has ADHD/ADD, Asperger’s, Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, and so on?  Do you realize that even if you do not openly display this frustration you still convey your frustrations in tone and body language? Well, you do.  The person you are frustrated with knows that they are the cause.  Many times the reason for the frustration is not their fault.  Here’s why you are frustrated…

People become frustrated when they have an unmet expectation.  We get ideas into our head of what we expect to happen, some of these are realistic and some are not realistic.  It is an unrealistic expectation to take a very ADHD child to a wedding and expect them to sit quietly during the ceremony.  So, when you are frustrated you need to first think about what was your expectation.  What are you frustrated about and what did you expect to happen?  You need to ask, was your expectation realistic or unrealistic.  Now come on, be honest with this one because most of the time it is an unrealistic expectation.  Even if all you expect is to be able to buy chocolate milk at a restaurant and all they have is white milk; it is unrealistic to expect your desires to be met all the time.    

So what do you do?  You change your expectations.  This doesn’t mean to lower your expectations but instead reframe them.  If you expect your expectations to not always be met, it will not be so frustrating. If you fully understand the uniqueness of the other people in your life (their disability, time orientation, & perspectives) you will be much more successful.  Everyone wants to be accepted for who they are and when you are frustrated with them you are not accepting them; you are expecting them to be something they are not.

 The other thing you need to do is remember the Serenity Prayer!!  Here’s a copy for you to keep!

World Autism Awareness Day April 2nd

Today is World Autism Awareness day!  To help bring awareness to the Autism Spectrum replace white lights with blue lights!  

Replace your lights today with blue lights and wear blue.  When asked about why the blue you can Enlighten others about the positive aspects of the Autism Spectrum!  

Together we can change the world and make a difference for ALL!  

Why a Dragonfly?

I am often ask – Why refer to people who are different as a Dragonfly.  So here’s why:

Dragonflies are often misunderstood, undervalued, and labeled as wrong, bad, or evil.  They have been given names such as devil’s darning needle, ear sewer, horse stinger, skeeter hawk, and the snake’s servant. 

Many people dislike Dragonflies or even fear them; mainly because they have never taken the chance to see the gifts Dragonflies provide the world.  Dragonflies are beneficial, peaceful, and stunning.   Dragonflies do not bite you or harm you in any way.  If you actually look at a Dragonfly you will see the Dragonflies reveal iridescence – the ability to show itself in different colors depending on the angle and polarization of light falling on it~~ making the Dragonfly breathtaking. 

You are a Dragonfly if you are different because you have some type of disability, disorder, or difference.   You know if you are a Dragonfly because you will feel that you just don’t “fit-in” with what main-stream finds acceptable.  Some Dragonflies are obvious because they have physical disabilities that can be seen but many Dragonflies have hidden disabilities/disorders such as ADHD/ADD, Anxiety, Asperger's, Autism, Depression, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Nonverbal Learning Disability, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Sensory Processing Disorder, and Twice Exceptional (gifted but has a disability).

Finally, the Dragonfly symbolizes change – self-realization!  So this is why The Dragonfly Forest was created – as a place where Dragonflies can come to for motivation, inspiration, education, and be accepted as a Dragonfly!   

I try to keep my blog posts short and to the point (I know many of you Dragonflies don’t like to read long posts or lose interest if a video is longer than 15 – 20 minutes).  Please stop by and visit The Dragonfly Forest often and share this with your other Dragonfly friends!  

By the way I also have a Facebook page for The Dragonfly Forest, a business FB page for Forest Alliance Coaching, and a FB page for dyslexia Decoding Dyslexia Ohio, Decoding Dyslexia OH Family Support and Decoding Dyslexia Oh Homeschool Support ~~~  Go show your Dragonfly spirit and like these Facebook pages!!! 

Shame it needs to STOP and How to help!

Although everyone experiences shame in their lives, people with learning disabilities have to battle shame more often than their non-learning disabled peers.  When children with learning disabilities begins school they learn very quickly that adults (and peers) in their lives think less than ideal about them either via implied or direct messages.  These messages hurt and make the children feel less-than, worthless, stupid, unlovable… Eventually these messages become shame-ridden scripts replayed over and over damaging their self-esteem and leaving deep scars.  Here's a previous post regarding Brene Brown and her research on Shame.

Shame is different than guilt.  Guilt is when you feel bad because of something you did while shame is when you feel bad because you believe you ARE bad.  For example, when a student fails a test one student may feel bad that they just didn’t study hard enough (guilt) while another student feels that HE/SHE is a failure (shame).   Research has provided evidence that shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, eating disorders, bullying, aggression, and violence.  These are also highly comorbid (common) in students with learning disabilities - this is connected to SHAME!  Here's a previous post about Depression in children what you need to know. 

Imagine if you will, a first grade student with undiagnosed dyslexia, I’ll call him Charlie.  The students in the classroom are learning to read and although the teacher is teaching the students all the same way and Charlie is putting forth great effort, he just can’t seem to grasp reading skills.  His teacher feeling her own guilt (and/or shame) because no matter what she does he just can’t seem to learn to read or his reading is inconsistent.  Charlie’s parents are experiencing anxiety thinking something is wrong and Charlie overhears his parents discussing their concerns and begins to think something is wrong with HIM. 

Charlie’s parents meet with his teacher to discuss their concerns and are either validated and made to feel they are on the right path or dismissed as over-concerned parents and minimized.  A variety of scenarios will occur here – the school may be receptive right away and assure Charlie is educated appropriately with an Orton-Gillingham method and parent anxiety is reduced so Charlie is less likely to perceive that HE is stupid or something wrong with HIM – or the other extreme and the school denies Charlie has a disability, blames parents and/or Charlie for his lack of learning, refuses to evaluate, attacks parents for wanting to “label” their child,  and therefore Charlie’s parents become more scared for Charlie, his teacher becomes more defensive (due to her own shame or guilt or because her hands are tied by the school) and Charlie now KNOWS that there is something wrong with him that he is stupid.   Most scenarios are fall somewhere in between but the point here is how easy it is for Charlie to feel shame because he is struggling with reading all because he is dyslexic and therefore needs to be taught to read via an Orton-Gillingham approach and that many teachers and parents don’t know about dyslexia so they are not able to tell Charlie that there is nothing wrong with HIM. 

Charlie may share his feelings of shame by saying things like “I’m stupid” or “I’m a failure” but he also may be displaying his shame behaviorally through depression, anger, acting silly, or even avoiding activities that make him feel bad about himself.  When Charlie shares his feelings of shame either verbally or behaviorally, he is validated, minimized, or gets into trouble- then the cycle of shame continues.  Charlie’s peers become part of this cycle as well.  Sometimes it is as obvious as name calling (block-head) but sometimes (and most often) it is relational aggression where he becomes the student that no one picks to partner with or excluded socially.  These only reinforce Charlie’s negative scripts of shame. 

Sometimes Charlie finds a strength and will focus on that strength to counter some of the feelings of shame.  Maybe Charlie is great at tennis so he excels on the tennis court – for some kids this is enough protection from shame invading their whole life.  Charlie, however, is good at some things and could possibly be great if an adult would just step in and nurture his strengths to reduce the pain of the shame.  Unfortunately, adults only view Charlie as lazy, unmotivated, not living up to his potential, annoying, stupid, or a trouble-maker so they don’t want to bother with him.  Again, more validation that Charlie is right, something is wrong with HIM-- he is not good enough! 

I could go on and on about Charlie’s life, explain how shame permeates everything he does, how hard it is for him to be successful because he doesn’t experience much success and when he does experience success he has such a negative self-script that it is difficult for him to accept the success, how teachers and the system consistently add to his bucket of shame (either intentionally or unintentionally) or how the way he deals with shame are often not productive but I won’t because I think you get the picture.

Instead I want to help you see ways we can help Charlie and other kids like Charlie.  I used dyslexia as my example but it can be replaced with any type of disability (ADHD, Dysgraphia, Asperger’s…) and the results would be the same.  I’d like to point out that the more hidden a disability the more likely that the child will have intense shame.  This is because it is not socially acceptable to call a student lazy if she is struggling to get her wheelchair to move instead, we provide her assistance --but it does seem to be acceptable for teachers to call or imply a student is lazy when they are struggling academically and/or socially. 

Ways to make change:

We must first recognize the difference between shame and guilt.  Guilt is “I feel terrible I ate too much over the holidays, I should start working out more” and shame is “I ate too much over the holidays, I’m so fat, I have no self-control, I hate myself…”  Or from the perspective of a young child who lost a game: guilt is “Darn I lost, I feel bad so I’ll have to practice and I’ll eventually win” and shame is “I lost again, I’m such a loser.”   

We need to openly talk about shame and know that everyone experiences shame.  When we hide shame we only allow it to grow more deadly.  We have lost too many people to suicide, especially kids – kids are not killing themselves because of guilt they are killing themselves because they feel shame!  When we shine light on shame and call it out into the open it can no longer hide and we can battle it head on. 

We need to stop putting a negative stigma on mental health disorders (depression, anxiety, bi-polar…) and learning disabilities (I’ll stop calling them disabilities by the way, when we can openly accept and embrace all of them and there is no shame in having any of them – in the mean time I must use the word disability so that educators understand the severity of the problem the student is struggling with)!  When we are proud to share that we are depressed, dyslexic, or ADHD and people/teachers do not make judgments but instead accept us as we are, then and only then will shame be reduced.   

We must label kids appropriately and as early as possible.  Research provides evidence that the earlier a child is diagnosed the less shame and negative effects they experience later on.  Sometimes parents are told “don’t label your child” or “why do you want to label your child.”  The thing is the child is already getting miss labeled which is filling them with shame.  The correct label will reduce this shame.  When adults are finally accurately diagnosed there is a sense of relief that they are not all the negative things they thought they were, they were just dyslexic, ADHD, or have Asperger’s.  You hear about this from the likes of Steven Spielberg, Susan Boyles, Henry Winkler, and so forth. Wouldn't it be great if we can stop the shame before it even begins? 

We need to teach empathy in schools and STOP teaching bullying prevention programs (Empathy is the antidote to bullying).  What we focus on expands and therefore by focusing on bullying and differences we are priming our students to look for bullying and differences.  When we teach empathy we instill in our students the skills needed to see the world through the eyes of others and a result is a more positive support world where people care openly and honestly about others.  A place where there is less shame because when a student hears his peer say “I’m stupid, I failed that test” and that student can tell his peer – “failing a test doesn’t make you stupid in fact, you are so good at [fill in the blank] remember we learn from our mistakes.” 

We need to celebrate all students and stop excluding those that don’t fit the ‘super-star’ mold.  Have you ever been to a graduation or award ceremony that shames those who are not in the spotlight?  This is very common – I wrote about one such event months ago Stop the Shaming but the gist is if the educators had empathy they would be able to see things from the perspective of all the students who were not showered with accolades and at least acknowledge their existence. When students with learning disabilities have to sit in these award events remember they have a negative shaming script running through their heads that tell them the reason they are not getting an award is because they are NOT good enough, they are stupid, or unworthy.  Is that really the message educators want to send – no, but it is still happening.  

I could continue but want you to digest what I have already written.  Don’t worry my Dragonfly friends, I will discuss this again. 

I want to leave you with this…  

**By the way - did anyone think of this Charlie when I discussed the "Charlie" above?  I was not referring to Charlie Brown but I hope you can see the shame that Charlie Brown experienced cause if so, you are developing or have empathy!  

Words of wisdom buttons for school meetings

It is time for the school year to really get into swing which means meetings for parents of Dragonflies!  I not only attend meetings as a parent but I also attend hundreds of meetings with parents (via my business Forest Alliance Coaching).  

Many times teachers and school staff really do care about the child being discussed.  Unfortunately, there are some people who attend these meetings that just don't get it~~  They don't understand: the disability, special ed law, how much a parent is fully informed, evidence-based programs, how all the negative experiences are damaging the child's self-esteem, why parents care so much about their child, appropriate education, and so on....

I don't know why I am shocked by what is said in these meetings cause I've heard it all (oh and someday I'll write a book on this subject).  I'm not looking forward to the school meetings for my own children this year because there will be some new staff members attending.  See, I already have an interesting reputation in my school district so I never know what to expect.  

I have made some words of wisdom buttons that can be printed and pinned to the front of your shirt or added to the top of your child's notebook (you really need to have a notebook of all your child's past reports & articles on special ed law/your child's disabilities).  

Here are a few (I'll be posting some to my Forest Alliance Coaching Facebook page every once in a while so like that FB page to check out some new ones when posted- I posted a couple there todayForest Alliance Coaching on Facebook).

Learning skills for people with Asperger's, Dyslexia, ADD...

Danny: Good books to read that teach skills

When we feel different or have a child that feels different it makes life challenging. It does not matter what disorder you have, life is challenging.  The key is to accept yourself for who you are and learn skills to function in your daily life.  Here's Danny from Asperger Experts explaining some great books that help build these skills.  

These are not only great for people who have Asperger's but also for any person as they are growing and learning in this world.  Did you know that some kids with ADD and/or Dyslexia may have difficulties with social skills?  Even children without any disorder may be socially awkward during their teen years so this video is good for ANYONE!  

Enjoy this video from our Dragonfly Friend, Danny:

Motivational Monday: Patricia Polacco Author and Illustrator with a Learning Disability

Don't ever let a learning disability stop you... EVER!  Patricia Polacco did not learn how to read until she was 14 years old but that did not stop her from achieving her dreams.  She is an author and illustrator. Patricia Palacco talks about learning disability Some of her books include: Thank You, Mr. Falker, Thunder Cake, Bully, Just in Time Abraham Lincoln, The Keeping Quilt, and many many more!  

Here is a great video of her talking to elementary students about wishes, friendships, and what it was like being a student with a learning disability.  Very inspiring!!  

Patricia Polacco talks to students about learning disability

Here's her link to her website as well:     

patriciapolacco.com

Temple Grandin: Someone you should know

Temple Grandin: The world needs all kinds of minds

This wonderful woman is Temple Grandin is on the autism spectrum and does a great job here talking about her experiences and her work.   She revolutionized practices for the humane treatment for handling cattle.  She is on my list of people I want to have lunch!  Isn’t she great?  

Should I tell my child they have Aspergers? Great video!

Should I tell my child they have Aspergers

These guys are GREAT!  The best people to help us understand are the ones who have been there!