Life Lessons from The Hobbit & Lord of the Rings: Must See Movies

*Reposted from December 29, 2013, with a new video added to the bottom~

I was finally able to squeeze “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug” into my schedule.  Those who know me, know that I LOVE everything about The Lord of the Rings trilogy & The Hobbit movies and books (btw I ‘ear-read’ most books- which means I listen to them on audio, usually while driving).  

What you probably don’t know is why I love these adventures.

 

These are perfect tales of the Hero’s Journey.  As a therapist, one of my favorite things to do is coach others on their own Hero’s Journey and these movies & books are great examples of the lessons we all need to learn. 

Here are a few of those lessons: 

~~We should focus on a person’s strength not weaknesses. Hobbits (be it Frodo, Sam, or Bilbo) may be small but they are cleaver, courageous, and know the value of friendship.

~~We should value mentors and become a mentor to others.  Gandalf is a perfect mentor.  He can see the strength and potential in Bilbo and Frodo.  Gandalf not only tells them that he believes in them but also pushes them out of their comfort-zones so they can reach their potentials.  By having a strong mentor like Gandalf, both Bilbo and Frodo begin to have faith in themselves.  Everyone deserves to have a mentor in their life so go out there and be a mentor to someone; it makes the world a better place. 

~~Too much of something isn’t good for you.  Dwarves are obsessed with gold (& jewels) and King Thror is so obsessed that he ends up losing his whole kingdom (& thousands of people) because another obsessed creature, the Dragon Smaug.  These are examples of how an obsession causes negative events: Gollum and his precious; Thorin’s desire for the Arkenstone Gem over the lives of others; and Saruman and his quest for power.

~~Being vulnerable makes you strong, not weak.  When we believe that helping others causes us to be vulnerable we not only lose support but we also lose trust.  The Elves didn’t want to risk losing some of their own kind to help the Dwarves so later the dwarves refused to support and help the Elves.  Sam doesn’t want to be vulnerable to Gollum but without his help Sam and Frodo would not have been able to complete their adventure.  This does not mean that you blindly trust others.  Keep your guard up but allow yourself to be vulnerable once in a while so you can become successful.  Don’t be so full of yourself and think you can do it all alone. 

~~It is the experiences we have in life that build our self-esteem and our confidence.  When we overcome an obstacle, hurdle, or quest we change and become stronger.  Sometimes the most difficult challenges are the most rewarding in the end.  There are so many examples of how the characters (Bilbo, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pip, Bard, the Dwarves…) become better and more self-assured after each challenge.  We need to remember these examples when were are in the middle of one of our own battles because it is often hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but there will be a light if we keep moving forward. 

~~The way to obtain success when in the mist of chaos is by having tenacity, girt, and perseverance.  Giving up and quitting will not allow you to conquer your demons whatever they may be.  Again, there are countless examples of how each character used tenacity, grit, and perseverance to achieve goals and become successful. 

I use this story (and many others) in my life to help me stay motivated on my own Hero’s Journey.  When times get tough, I seek inspiration and guidance in quotes.  Here’s one of my favorites from each film:

“Tell me, when did we let evil become stronger than us?” ~ Tauriel (The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug) 

“Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay... small acts of kindness and love.”  ~Gandalf (The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey) 

 “Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.” ~ Galadriel (LOTR – Fellowship of the Ring) 

“That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.” ~ Sam (LOTR- The Two Towers) 

“This day does not belong to one man but to all. Let us together rebuild this world that we may share in the days of peace.” ~ Aragorn (LOTR – the Return of the King)

**Yes, I had to add Viggo!

I know that each movie is long but trust me they are worth watching.  Here’s the trailer of the most recent Hobbit:

The Hobbit The Desolation of Smaug

(the direct link if you do not or cannot see the video here)

**Update- here's the most recent movie trailer: 

The Hobbit- The Battle of the Five Armies

(The direct link if you do not or cannot see the video here)

Depression in school-aged children especially those with disabilities

 Please share to help save a life

A true story about depression – this could be you:

A student, "Thomas." has a learning disability and an IEP (the type of LD doesn’t matter as any will fit here for this story).  He knows that he doesn’t learn like the other students, is often excluded by his peers (bullied as well), and feels overwhelmed in the school environment.  Over time Thomas became depressed, he refused to attend school, and eventually, he contemplated suicide.  His parents have always been strong advocates for their son and contacted the school seeking help. The parents were surprised when instead of receiving support, they were attacked and blamed for his current situation.  The school principal became defensive and stated that the parents are at fault and they “need to work with them, not against them.”  The guidance counselor also condemned the parents stating as a counselor she is too busy to address all the needs of the students and she has done nothing wrong waiting for over a day to return the phone call.  The parents got help for their son outside of the school district but were not able to obtain appropriate support at the school which was the source of the problem. 
The Facts:

September is Suicide Awareness week, and October is Depression Awareness Month, so I want to address an issue that is often brushed aside and minimized.  It is depression.  Depression is one of the most common mental disorders, and according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), 1 in 11 children will experience clinical depression before the age of 14.  Furthermore, the risk of depression increases as a child gets older and is the leading cause of disability among Americans ages 15-44 according to the World Health Organization (WHO).  Depression affects a person’s entire physical and mental well-being. 

Did you know that students with learning disabilities (LD) have statistically higher accounts of depressions than their peers without LD?  Having a disability makes attending school challenging.  Students with disabilities know that their lives are not under their control, they are painfully aware that they don’t fit in, have academic failures, and experience a number of social rejections. Unfortunately, depression is not addressed in schools (another forbidden “D” word).  Many if not all kids with learning disabilities experience Learned Helplessness and this does NOT mean the child is coddled by their parents! Read this article to educate yourself on Learned Helplessness!

One of the reasons depression is not discussed, is shame.  Parents already experience a variety of emotions regarding having a child with a disability.  To make matters worse, teachers, counselors, school psychologists, and administrators often blame parents for the child’s academic struggles and behaviors.  I am frequently in meetings where school staff members give parenting advice and have blatantly stated that the child wouldn’t have these difficulties if the parents would only…“read with the child, help with homework, stop doing the child’s homework, discipline consistently, stop cuddling the child, reduce their social/sports schedule, increase their social/sports schedule”, and the list is endless.  When parents already feel responsible for their child’s struggles these comments only make the situation worse, not better.  This “blame the parents” approach makes it more difficult for the parents to bring up concerns about depression and the school staff perceiving the symptoms of depression as a parenting problem.

The second reason depression is not discussed is that people don’t know the symptoms of depression in children and adolescents, especially ones with a disability.  The symptoms of depression are often common signs of other problems, and the severity of these symptoms is not taken seriously.    

The following are some symptoms of depression (these will be unique to each person):

• Irritability, anger, angry outbursts  
• Continuous feelings of sadness, hopelessness, helplessness – feeling melancholy or sad most of the day
• Withdrawal from family and friends
• Over clinging to parents
• Feelings of anxiety, phobias
• Increased sensitivity to rejection or criticism
• Changes in appetite - either increased (weight gain) or decreased (weight loss)
• Changes in sleep (sleeplessness, too much sleep)
• Crying, temper tantrums, or sulking
• Difficulty concentrating
• Memory loss
• Fatigue (tiredness) low or decreased energy
• Physical Complaints or chronic pain (stomach aches, headaches) that do not respond to treatment (possible real physical problem or feigning illness)
• Digestive Disorders
• Reduced ability to function during activities at home or with friend, in school, extracurricular activities, and in hobbies or interests
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Getting into trouble, increased behavior problems
• Inability to experience pleasure or excitement even when doing activities that were pleasurable
• Mania or putting on a good front by being over happy
• Experimentation with drugs or alcohol
• Thoughts or talk of death or suicide

To get a direct perspective of what depression it is like for a popular non-learning disabled student watch this video of Kevin Breel (Confessions of a Depressed Comic):  Watch one of the two - sometimes phones do not allow a video to play so you have two options to choose from, but they are the same video!

Embedded video 

Kevin Breel (Confessions of a Depressed Comic)

What can be done:

Depression can be treated and children experiencing depression MUST be treated because if they do not get help, it will only get worse.  According to the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI), once a child experiences depression, the child is at risk of developing another depression within five years.  Eventually, the child may contemplate or attempt suicide.  Did you know that according to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, suicide is the third leading cause of death for 5-15 year-olds?    

If we continue to minimize depression, we risk losing children to suicide.  Is this a risk we want to take?  NO!

So, make sure you, as a parent know what to look for regarding depression.  Ask the school staff members to also be educated on depression and look for signs and symptoms in all children.  The earlier this is caught, the easier it is to treat. 

(Image: black and white photo of a student sitting at a computer desk with books and a computer on the top of the desk and the student is sitting with his/her head down being held up by his/her hands with elbows resting on the desk.  Quote from Stephanie Sergent Daniel's article 'Reading Disabilities Put Students at Risk for Suicidal Thoughts and Behaviours and Dropping out of School' - "In our study, poor readers were three times more likely than typical readers to consider or attempt suicide and six times more likely to drop out of school.  Educators and parents should be aware of the risk of suicidal thoughts and behaviors among adolescents with reading problems.")

(Image: a figure sitting with their hands clasped and their head down and the words "Did you know?  1 in 11 children will experience clinical depression before the age of 14 & suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 5-15 year-olds?  It's time to talk about depression")

We all have Bias - learn to stop being so judgmental

Re-sharing - a post I wrote back in June 2013 but think it needs to be addressed again!  

There has been a lot of discussion in the media about racism, sexism, homophobia, equality… (There is no need to identify these stories because they could be any story; even your own story of being oppressed, discriminated against, of judged).   I will address these issues because they are vital to making the world a better place; so we can do better now that we will know better!  To do this we must first understand implicit bias and confirmation bias.  EVERYONE makes judgments based on both of these biases.  They are rooted in our upbringing and may be so deep you are not aware they exist.  But do not think that you are not prejudice or bias because we all are; it’s human nature. 

Understanding Bias:

Implicit bias is the unconscious attitudes and beliefs that can be expressed overtly or covertly.  These implicit biases develop early in our lives and can occur even if we believe we have no biases toward others.  Implicit bias can be measured (Harvard has done some great research in this area).  These biases are not only about race but also about: age, disabilities, religion, gender, and so on. 

Watch this video of Alan Alda taking this test and explain implicit bias.

Alan Alda doing the Implicit Bias test at Harvard

Here’s the link to check your own implicit bias: Implicit Bias Test 

People do not base their decisions and opinions on fact but instead on confirmation bias.  Confirmation bias is the process of paying attention to information about a person/topic/issue that confirms (validates) your belief/opinion and ignoring, minimizing, or rationalizing the information that does not support your belief/opinion.  The more emotionally charged an issue or topic is the more this bias occurs.  The recent political race is a perfect example of confirmation bias.   If a person liked one presidential candidate then most of the things that candidate said or did was spun in a positive light.  The other candidate could have done or said the exact same things but these would have been seen in a negative light. 

 Here’s a quick video that explains confirmation bias:

Confirmation Bias

Our brains automatically engage in low-effort information processing which consists of stereotyping and judgments (implicit bias).   We then look for information that validates these beliefs and opinions while we ignore or minimize information that disproves these beliefs and opinions (confirmation bias).  This happens with EVERYONE!  

This can change only if we do a few things:  First, we need to acknowledge and accept that we have biases.  We need to be openly admit these to ourselves.  Second, we need to willingly look at all the evidence and use our OWN critical thinking skills.  Decisions need to be made based on evidence (not only the evidence you want to look at - that's confirmation bias).  This is not easy because your biases will get in the way.  We expect others to be emphatic  to understand us, our points of view, and accept our values and beliefs but we often don’t practice empathy to others. 

Remember that empathy is NOT feeling what another person feels it is UNDERSTANDING the other person’s emotions, experiences, situations…  It does not mean that you have to agree with the person but that you understand why they believe what they believe and feel what they feel.  When you have empathy you don’t try to change another person’s belief to your belief.  You don’t judge others because empathy is the antidote to bias, bigotry, and bullying!

When people become aware (conscious) of the potential for prejudice, they often attempt to correct for it and are less likely to exhibit bias behaviors (overt and covert).  Nevertheless, just understanding implicit bias and confirmation bias is not enough.  Actions, with the intent to do better, must occur on a daily basis.

Please watch the final video of Oprah speaking about Maya Angelou words “when you know better, you do better.”  (If you have not watched any of the other videos than please watch this one.)

Lessons Oprah learned from Maya Angelou

Why we should NOT follow the Golden Rule!

* Note: this was posted in Fall 2016 but necessary to re-share today~

I have been reading and hearing from Trump supporters "What are you so afraid of?  We already had racism, hate, rape...."  Ummm Society is aware that the world was NOT safe but this point of view is very egocentric.   People are afraid not because they fear these things but because the accepted Political Correct etiquette is now gone because Americans have a role model who is NOT Politically Correct.  I have been hearing how refreshing to listen to Trump because he is real and honest with his thoughts and feelings and people are too sensitive about "offending" others so they are glad to get rid of this Political Correct etiquette.  What people don't understand is that being PC is actually just being respectful.  By saying "Happy Holidays" instead of Merry Christmas to people is respecting that the other person may not be Christian and you are accepting that they might not share your religion.  Being PC means that you don't push your views on another person because the other person has a different experience than you do and you shouldn't assume we all experience life the same way.   I am also hearing people say that they are bringing Christian values back like the Gold Rule.  Well, that isn't the right answer either...

We need to stop teaching our children the Golden Rule.  Yep, that’s right!  We are teaching our children to do unto others as they themselves want done unto.  The concept sounds great.  If we want to be treated with respect we treat others with respects.  But if we actually follow this rule it means to treat others exactly how WE want to be treated.  So, if I like being touched and appreciate being hugged I should touch and hug others.  What if they don’t want to be touched and hugged?  Then what?  If you are the type of person that wants to be left alone when hurting and leave others alone when they are hurting you may lose friends.  Some people may want you to do everything in your power to let them know you care and you are there.  So treat others how THEY want to be treated.  

The Golden Rule is essentially a person being egocentric.  This is actually a type of cognitive bias, false-consensus effect to be exact.  We have a tendency to overestimate how much other people have the same values, opinions, beliefs, and preferences.  Yes, people can have a lot in common but we should NOT assume that we have everything in common.

If we are not teaching our children the Golden Rule, what should we be teaching them?  We need to teach empathy.  Empathy is being able to understand the perspectives of other people.  So instead of treating others how WE want to be treated, we need to treat others how THEY want to be treated!  This is referred to as the Platinum Rule.

Henry Rollins gives advice on being yourself & suicide

Today is Henry Rollins birthday & I want to send this message out to you again----BE YOURSELF!!!  You many not believe it but the best person you can be is YOU!  Don't try to be someone else!  Don't compare yourself to anyone else.  Don't let it bother you that others seem to have it easier than you; focus on yourself and your own life!  Remember, as I always say: Empathy is one of the most important skills you need to have to be successful in life- that means empathy for yourself and others.  Work hard, care about others around you, be yourself, and you will be successful!!!  

Here's a great video from Henry Rollins (an ADHD Dragonfly who suffered from depression and low self-esteem).  Henry is a musician, writer, journalist, publisher, actor, radio host, spoken word artist, and activist!

Recently Henry wrote some comments about a parent shouldn't commit suicide after Robin Williams death (Fuck Suicide).  I understand these comments! - I understand Henry's point. Many people were upset with Henry and one of my favorite things about him is his ability to accept criticize and his willingness to look at other perspectives (More Thoughts on Suicide).  When you are an individual you can have your own opinion and when you have empathy you have the ability to accept that your opinion is just that- yours. Here's Henry....

(FYI he is referring to President Obama in this clip not President Trump but I bet you figured this out)

Henry Rollins point of view and advice!

Empathy is the Key!!

Empathy is being able to see another person’s point of view even if you have no specific frame of reference or similar experience.  Unfortunately, most people do not have empathy because they just cannot put themselves in another person’s shoes unless they have direct experience.  A great example of this is when Senator Rob Portman reversed his stance on gay marriage after learning about his own son being gay.  Geez, only when his own life was affected by the ban on gay marriages did he see the light and understand.  The world would be a much better place if everyone focused on empathy instead of their own egocentric point of view. 

Empathy is being conscious and fully aware of the experiences of others!  Here are some ways you can step outside of your own frame of reference and become more empathetic:

• Truly listen to what another person is saying – listening is not waiting for your turn to talk and tell your own opinion/story/experience.  Listening is also not making judgments.

•  Really think about your advice before you offer it to someone.  Your own advice is much more about what YOU would do in situation. 

•  In fact, do not give advice or opinions unless the person directly asks for this information.  Your advice and opinions are about YOU not the other person.  It also demonstrates that you are NOT really listening. 

•  When creating things such as presentations, papers, books, movies… you must really understand your target audience.  You must be able to put yourself in their shoes and view the experience through their eyes if you hope to make a difference. 

• When experiencing an event such as a movie, play, sporting event… think about it from many different perspectives.  Think about the perspective of a variety of people (blind, deaf, specific race or ethnicity, physically handicapped, dyslexic, ADHD, homosexual, old, young…).  What might they think and feel?  By being open to other perspectives you become less egocentric. 

As a Dyslexic Dragonfly I am a very slow reader but I love to escape in books via audiobooks (ear-reading).  One of my favorite quotes from C.S. Lewis is:  “My own eyes are not enough for me, I will see through the eyes of others.”   So remember to take some time to think outside of yourself today to help make the world a better place.  Let the focus be on empathy!  

Life is all about Perspective

When you are having a bad day take some time to change your perspective.  Instead of focusing on what you think is reality take some time to step back and reflect.  Look at the problem from all angles and I guarantee you will see a better perspective!  Try it and see!

*Having a hard time with this, just turn your head 90 degrees clockwise and enjoy!  

Advice: Frustrations is all about Expectations

Take a moment and think back over the last few weeks.  How often did you get frustrated with someone in your life who has ADHD/ADD, Asperger’s, Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, and so on?  Do you realize that even if you do not openly display this frustration you still convey your frustrations in tone and body language? Well, you do.  The person you are frustrated with knows that they are the cause.  Many times the reason for the frustration is not their fault.  Here’s why you are frustrated…

People become frustrated when they have an unmet expectation.  We get ideas into our head of what we expect to happen, some of these are realistic and some are not realistic.  It is an unrealistic expectation to take a very ADHD child to a wedding and expect them to sit quietly during the ceremony.  So, when you are frustrated you need to first think about what was your expectation.  What are you frustrated about and what did you expect to happen?  You need to ask, was your expectation realistic or unrealistic.  Now come on, be honest with this one because most of the time it is an unrealistic expectation.  Even if all you expect is to be able to buy chocolate milk at a restaurant and all they have is white milk; it is unrealistic to expect your desires to be met all the time.    

So what do you do?  You change your expectations.  This doesn’t mean to lower your expectations but instead reframe them.  If you expect your expectations to not always be met, it will not be so frustrating. If you fully understand the uniqueness of the other people in your life (their disability, time orientation, & perspectives) you will be much more successful.  Everyone wants to be accepted for who they are and when you are frustrated with them you are not accepting them; you are expecting them to be something they are not.

 The other thing you need to do is remember the Serenity Prayer!!  Here’s a copy for you to keep!

Rules for daily life of a Dragonfly

Here are some rules to follow:  Print this out and put it on your mirror so you can see it every day!

Celebrate Earth Day!

Important lesson to teach your child

One thing I know for sure~~  Life is NOT smooth sailing. We are doing our children a disservice if we teach them that everything will be easy.  We must teach them that life if full of rough spots and lessons we must learn.  

As parents we hate watching our children struggle and sometimes we want to rescue them from the pain and suffering.  We want to help make things easier but we must refrain.  We can guide them but they must learn how to handle problems on their own.  We can model for them how to deal with adversity and how to advocate for themselves but we cannot allow our children to believe that it will be easy or quick.  

When we have expectations and these expectations are not met then we feel disappointed and frustrated.  These negative feelings can lead to more negative feelings such as depression and anxiety. 

Parents often ask if they should exempt their child from the school's standardized assessments.  My question is "WHY?"  Why exempt the child from these tests?  Often I'm told it is because the child become anxious and stressed.  Hmm isn't a way to overcome anxiety and stress is to tackle the triggers and learn how to deal with them?  If the child is exempt from these assessments they will never learn how to take tests under negative emotional conditions. Also, these tests are more about grading the school district than the individual student (even if they threaten you that your child will not move on if they do not pass - they are using this psychological tactic to deflect attention that THEY are failing to teach your child).  If your child will perform poorly on a district standardized assessment than you WANT their score to reflect the terrible job the district is doing educating students.  Exempting the child from these tests only hides the reality that the district is failing our students.  So let your child take these district standardized assessments as practice for test taking.  

When your child is struggling with learning remind them that everyone struggles with something and the goal is to learn how to overcome an obstacle. Teach them that the key to success is knowing how to solve problems.  When your child is struggling with a school assignment ask them how they can solve the problem. Help them see ways to work smarter and not harder.  Listen to books on audio, type assignments/speech-to-text, use calculators, Google the question, review Cliff-notes, ask to see a finished product of what the project is supposed to look like, and ask questions.  These things are NOT cheating they are ways to solve problems!   

When students learn ways to solve problems they are less likely to experience learned helplessness (Click on the link - this is a must understand concept!!!).  

Remember that it is important to allow your child to struggle and help them learn that this is normal and we are learning ways to overcome obstacles so we can be successful!  We need to help our children understand the meaning of success - it does not mean money, wealth, status, material items....  Success is being able to overcome obstacles, solve problems, and learn lessons (so we don't keep repeating them).  Also read: 

6 Ways to build Grit, Tenacity, and Perseverance in your child at home

David Raymond's essay is a must read (On Being 17, Bright, and Unable to Read)

This was shared last November 14th but worth sharing again because the school year has begun! 

Message to teachers and parents: Dyslexia is real!  Dyslexia impacts more than just reading and writing but it also impacts a person's self-esteem.  As a person with dyslexia, parent of three children with dyslexia, and a Psycho-educational Diagnostician & Educational Coach (I diagnose all types of learning disabilities & provide coaching/counseling services as well) I can honestly say that I'm disappointed that our educational systems continue to make it difficulty (both academically and social/emotionally) for people with dyslexia to receive an appropriate education.  It's not like Dyslexia is new!  Here's an essay that was written by a student with Dyslexia, David Raymond (born in 1959) while he was in high school and published in the New York Times in 1976.  YES, this was published in 1976 but it could be written by a 17 year old student now, in 2014!!!  There sure is something wrong with our education system if this experience hasn't changed in 38 years!

On Being Seventeen, Bright, and Unable to Read

David Raymond

One day a substitute teacher picked me to read aloud from the textbook. When I told her "No, thank you," she came unhinged. She thought I was acting smart and told me so. I kept calm, and that got her madder and madder. We must have spent 10 minutes trying to solve the problem, and finally she got so red in the face I thought she'd blow up: She told me she'd see me after class.

Maybe someone like me was a new thing for that teacher. But she wasn't new to me. I've been through scenes like that all my life. You see, even though I'm 17 and a junior in high school, I can't read because I have dyslexia. I'm told I read "at a fourth-grade level," but from where I sit, that's not reading. You can't know what that means unless you've been there. It's not easy to tell how it feels when you can't read your homework assignments or the newspaper or a menu in a restaurant or even notes from your own friends.

My family began to suspect I was having problems almost from the first day I started school. My father says my early years in school were the worst years of his life. They weren't so good for me, either. As I look back on it now, I can't find the words to express how bad it really was. I wanted to die. I'd come home from school screaming, "I'm dumb. I'm dumb—I wish I were dead!"

I guess I couldn't read anything at all then—not even my own name—and they tell me I didn't talk as good as other kids. But what I remember about those days is that I couldn't throw a ball where it was supposed to go, I couldn't learn to swim, and I wouldn't learn to ride a bike, because no matter what anyone told me, I knew I'd fail.

Sometimes my teachers would try to be encouraging. When I couldn't read the words on the board they'd say, "Come on, David, you know that word." Only I didn't. And it was embarrassing. I just felt dumb. And dumb was how the kids treated me. They'd make fun of me every chance they got, asking me to spell "cat" or something like that. Even if I knew how to spell it, I wouldn't; they'd only give me another word. Anyway, it was awful, because more than anything I wanted friends. On my birthday when I blew out the candles I didn't wish I could learn to read; what I wished for was that the kids would like me.

With the bad reports coming from school and with me moaning about wanting to die and how everybody hated me, my parents began looking for help. That's when the testing started. The school tested me, the child-guidance center tested me, private psychiatrists tested me. Everybody knew something was wrong—especially me.

           It didn't help much when they stuck a fancy name onto it. I couldn't pronounce it then—I was only in second grade—and I was ashamed to talk about it. Now it rolls off my tongue, because I've been living with it for a lot of years—dyslexia.

        

           All through elementary school it wasn't easy. I was always having to do things that were "different," things the other kids didn't have to do. I had to go to a child psychiatrist, for instance.

One summer my family forced me to go to a camp for children with reading problems. I hated the idea, but the camp turned out pretty good, and I had a good time. I met a lot of kids who couldn't read, and somehow that helped. The director of the camp said I had a higher I.Q. than 90 percent of the population. I didn't believe him.

About the worst thing I had to do in fifth and sixth grade was go to a special education class in another school in our town. A bus picked me up, and I didn't like that at all. The bus also picked up emotionally disturbed kids and retarded kids. It was like going to a school for the retarded. I always worried that someone I knew would see me on that bus. It was a relief to go to the regular junior high school.

Life began to change a little for me then, because I began to feel better about myself. I found the teachers cared; they had meetings about me, and I worked harder for them for a while. I began to work on the potter's wheel, making vases and pots that the teachers said were pretty good. Also, I got a letter for being on the track team. I could always run pretty fast.

At high school the teachers are good, and everyone is trying to help me. I've gotten honors some marking periods, and I've won a letter on the cross country team. Next quarter I think the school might hold a show of my pottery. I've got some friends.  But there are still some embarrassing times. For instance, every time there is writing in the class, I get up and go to the special education room. Kids ask me where I go all the time. Sometimes I say, "to Mars."

Homework is a real problem. During free periods in school I go into the special ed room, and staff members read assignments to me. When I get home my mother reads to me. Sometimes she reads an assignment into a tape recorder, and then I go into my room and listen to it. If we have a novel or something like that to read, she reads it out loud to me. Then I sit down with hen and we do the assignment. She'll write, while I talk my answers to her. Lately I've taken to dictating into a tape recorder, and then someone—my father, a private tutor, or my mother—types up what I've dictated. Whatever homework I do takes someone else's time, too. That makes me feel bad.

We had a big meeting in school the other day—eight of us, four from the guidance department, my private tutor, my parents, and me. The subject was me. I said I wanted to go to college, and they told me about colleges that have facilities and staff to handle people like me. That's nice to hear.

As for what happens after college, I don't know, and I'm worried about that. How can I make a living if I can't read? Who will hire me? How will I fill out the application form? The only thing that gives me any courage is the fact that I've learned about well-known people who couldn't read or had other problems and still made it. Like Albert Einstein, who didn't talk until he was 4 and flunked math. Like Leonardo da Vinci, who everyone seems to think had dyslexia.

I've told this story because maybe some teacher will read it and go easy on a kid in the classroom who has what I've got. Or, maybe some parent will stop nagging his kid and stop calling him lazy. Maybe he's not lazy or dumb. Maybe he just can't read and doesn't know what's wrong. Maybe he's scared, like I was.

 ---Article from the New York Times 1976

I recommend all teachers be given this essay to read (share this blog post or print it out) so that they can understand what it is like to be dyslexic.  I was 10 years old when this was published and how I wish my teachers would have understood what it was like for me in school.  I was mislabeled as lazy and made to feel ashamed that I could not read like my peers.  Like, David , I went on to graduate successfully from college. I earned a Master's Degree and currently working on my Ph.D. dissertation.  What David and I had in common that helped us achieve academic success was an underlying knowledge that we were smart, just learned differently so we had tenacity.  I worry about those who don't know how smart they are and continue to believe they are stupid.  Therefore, I'm on a mission to make sure every person knows how wonderful he/she is and that we don't need to "fit in a box" to achieve success.   

Feature Friday - Sharing my story - Jill Lam

Hi Dragonfly Friends!  I would like to say thanks for following me and all my adventures.  I sometimes share some personal information but sometimes my blog is a place I can share insights into what it is like to be a person with a disability.  I am in many school districts all over the state of Ohio and so I hear comments that I find shocking, frustrating, and down right sad.  When this happens I tend to write a blog post to enlighten others to the reality of what is going on. 

Today, I wrote a different blog post for one of the other things that I volunteer my time to- Decoding Dyslexia Ohio.  I have started a new blog so people with dyslexia can share their own stories & the stories of what it is like to be a parent of a child with dyslexia.  Please feel free to email me if you are interested in sharing a story at 4DecodingDyslexiaOhio@gmail.com.  

Here's my first blog post which is all about ME!  So please check it out and share it with others so I can start posting the stories of others.  If you do not have dyslexia and want to share your story please email me (TheDragonflyForest@gmail.com) that information too because I am willing to share it here on a future Feature Friday post!  

http://decodingdyslexiaoh.blogspot.com/2014/05/my-journey-with-dyslexia-dysgraphia-add.html

Words from parents and dragonflies Wednesday

Words from Parents and Dragonflies Wednesday

~ “I'm so glad there's no school because it's too cold outside.  I'd rather be home than at school."  

From a student in elementary school

~ “Really, it's only cold outside why the heck does he have to stay home from school?  I'm willing to drive him to the front door.  Can't wait till  he goes back to school so I can go back to work I'm using up all my sick and personal days!"  

 From the parent of the student in elementary school

*** The parent was being funny by the way and was not upset or angry.

 

Words from Parents and Dragonflies Wednesday - what a parent wants a school to know

"We often hear that we should be partners not prosecutors and accused of causing problems.  Remember we come to you with a lot of emotional baggage (some very bad) plus it is a natural instinct to be protective (of ourselves and child).  When I feel YOU are being a partner and truly understand my experience and my child I am exceptionally cooperative because I finally can feel trust."

"Stop taking it personal if I don’t trust you, I don’t know you and I have been burned year after year.  Once bitten, twice shy."

*A parent of a child with a specific learning disability wanted this shared because the staff members at the school are constantly accusing her of being bitter or hostile and she is NOT acting this way, she is only asking the hard questions the school does not want to deal with.  

Words from Parents and Dragonflies Wednesday

 I am the parent not the professional, so do not expect me to take care of your emotional needs.  I don’t always know how to word my questions and/or comments correctly.  Do not assume I am judging or criticizing you and become defensive.  I am not trying to work against you; I just don’t know how to phrase things to get my message across.  You are the professional so remember that my underlying emotions are fear, anxiety, and guilt.

* Many parents of Dragonflies would love to be able to say this to the school staff.  Often the school staff becomes defensive or attacking when parents question methods, certifications, and knowledge.  Every parent should have the right to ask these questions without being attacked.  It's amazing how many times parents are attacked because they are just trying to help their child receive an appropriate education.   

 

Words of wisdom buttons for school meetings

It is time for the school year to really get into swing which means meetings for parents of Dragonflies!  I not only attend meetings as a parent but I also attend hundreds of meetings with parents (via my business Forest Alliance Coaching).  

Many times teachers and school staff really do care about the child being discussed.  Unfortunately, there are some people who attend these meetings that just don't get it~~  They don't understand: the disability, special ed law, how much a parent is fully informed, evidence-based programs, how all the negative experiences are damaging the child's self-esteem, why parents care so much about their child, appropriate education, and so on....

I don't know why I am shocked by what is said in these meetings cause I've heard it all (oh and someday I'll write a book on this subject).  I'm not looking forward to the school meetings for my own children this year because there will be some new staff members attending.  See, I already have an interesting reputation in my school district so I never know what to expect.  

I have made some words of wisdom buttons that can be printed and pinned to the front of your shirt or added to the top of your child's notebook (you really need to have a notebook of all your child's past reports & articles on special ed law/your child's disabilities).  

Here are a few (I'll be posting some to my Forest Alliance Coaching Facebook page every once in a while so like that FB page to check out some new ones when posted- I posted a couple there todayForest Alliance Coaching on Facebook).

Words from Parents and Dragonflies Wednesday - disability

"My disability does not define who I am."  14 year old Dragonfly with ADHD

"The teacher asked why I was trying to hard to get my kid labeled.  I told her that I was not trying to get him a label I was trying to make sure that he received an appropriate education.  The school is the one trying to label him as lazy and stupid, not me.  Knowing exactly how his brain works by having a diagnosis will open up the world of knowledge to him not limit him. When the school refused my request for the evaluation that was limiting him."  Parent of a Dragonfly with dyslexia and asperger's

Words from Parents and Dragonflies Wednesday

"I can do everything you can do I just do it in a different way.  Different isn't bad, just different."

This quote is from a 10 year old and I think it says it all today!

Words from Parents and Dragonflies Wednesday

*With school starting in a few weeks for most school districts a parent emailed me this quote to add today.  This is what the parent would like the school to understand:

"Teacher: You may have gone to college and earned your degrees in education but I earned my knowledge from personal experience and a lot of research.  Please do not act superior when I share my knowledge of my child's disability with you.  Do not assume that because you have a college degree that you are smarter or know more than I know, especially about my child's disability.  I can assure you that I know more.  Unless you have a child exactly like mine, you do not fully understand my experience.  Finally, don't take offense when I share with you information about my child's disability I am doing this so we can work together as a team (since I am a team member regarding my child's education)."